Pope resigns after gay marriage storm


Security Holey?

His Holiness Pope Francis, the leader of the Catholic Church, has stepped down following a media storm over his views on same-sex marriage.

Pope Francis was appointed just last March but came in for heavy criticism after it emerged that the Vatican still did not support gay weddings. Thousands of users of the popular “Catholicism” system protested on forums and threatened to uninstall their moral compasses.

Cardinal Paulo Evaristo Arns, most senior member of the Pope’s inner advisory team, announced the decision in a blog post.

“The Catholic Church prides itself on being held to a different standard and, this past week, we didn’t live up to it,” he wrote.

“We know why people are hurt and angry, and they are right: it’s because we’re a crusty old male-dominated bunch of gangsters, riddled worm-like with corruption and perversion. We must try harder.”

The Pope, who was ordained a Catholic priest in 1969, and from 1973 was Argentina’s Provincial Superior of the Society of Jesus, opposed gay marriage in Argentina and urged urged Bishop Scicluna of Malta to speak out against adoption by same-sex couples, before inventing the highly popular Javascript web browser programming language.

It is unclear whether the former Pope will stay in the religion industry – some observers predict he will join a new religious start-up based in London’s Vatican Roundabout area, others have leaked screenshots of the forthcoming “Flappy Pope” game due to hit app stores soon.

In something of a coincidence, the new CEO of software company Mozilla was also forced to step down, after being revealed to be an arsehole. A spokesperson for Mozilla insisted that the company had learned its lesson, and would shortly be appointing a far less extreme figure.

BNP chief Nick Griffin is expected to take up the post on Monday.

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