‘I stung PM not to punish but to enable’ says jellyfish


Jellyfish: apparently the top 1% own more of the sea than the other 99% combined.

The jellyfish who yesterday stung David Cameron as he swam off Arrieta beach in Lanzarote has denied intentionally upsetting him.

“My actions were in no way harmful or a punishment,” said Floaty Steve who has lived in the water off the beach for the last two years. “David Cameron wasn’t swimming he was just wobbling about. He was, to be precise, shirking. So I gave him a sting to enable him to work harder and really tear through the water before he ran up the beach wailing that his arm was all owie and crying for his nanny.”

“Some may criticise my actions on the grounds that I live in the sea and have every advantage when it comes to swimming and that, in a sense, I was just picking on someone weaker than myself but to those critics I say: yes, it hurt, yes, it worked.”

Floaty Steve said that in these difficult times sacrifices have to be made just not by him or any of his chums.

“We’re all in this together,” he said. “Except I’m basking in a lovely warm sea and you’re not. And that’s what’s best for the beach as a whole right now. We need to crack down on fat posh blokes in stupid trunks bobbing around in the shallows and ensure a fairer deal for everyone who looks like a jellyfish, talks like a jellyfish and is in fact a jellyfish.”

“Today, I used my tentacles to give David Cameron the dignity of work. He’ll thank me for it later.”


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12 Responses to ‘I stung PM not to punish but to enable’ says jellyfish

  1. Pingback: ‘I stung PM not to punish but to enable’ says jellyfish | The Evening Harold | kickingthecat

  2. LMAO, this cleverly written article made laugh out loud and made my day!

    Floaty Steve is completely right in his approach to fat posh blokes. How dare they? Rather than frolicking around, watching Jeremy Kyle and scrounging, they now ought to be far more dedicated to working, all based on very reliable statistics of course. Perhaps a few more stings would have been called for, since it’s far more effective when they’ve been stung already.

    Hoping to see Floaty Steve in action when Gideon Osborne and Iain Duncan Smith go on a well deserved holiday!

    The best article I’ve seen in ages and hoping to see more!

  3. Pingback: God Works In Mysterious Ways – Cameron Stung By Jellyfish In Lanzarote | ukgovernmentwatch

  4. Pingback: David Cameron stung by jellyfish | Dear Kitty. Some blog

  5. There are people who might characterise that action as an individual act of terrorism.

  6. Yes, it hurt. Yes, it worked.

  7. Floaty steve has more backbone than any of the 57 Libdem enablers in Westminster