Category Archives: Around Harold

by | June 5, 2015 · 10:36 pm

Couple arrested for ‘disappointing public sex act’

couple

Not even slightly convincing.

A visitor to Harold who was thought to be performing a sex act on her boyfriend when she was in fact just waking him up, has been arrested for leading the village on.

Lou-Anne Buck told PC Flegg “the rules in Harold are bizarre”,
after being detained next to the village bandstand with her boyfriend Barry Marston in her grasp.

Music fans, including children, gathered to watch as the pair appeared to get it on. Witness Kevin Smith was so aroused that he even filmed the couple on his mobile phone.
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by | June 4, 2015 · 7:00 am

Dwile Flonking Executive to make doping compulsory

dwile

Definitely on something.

Officials at the Harold World Dwile Flonking Association have voted unanimously for drugs.

In a competitive sports environment dominated by corruption and cheating, Dwile Flonking has struggled for media attention compared with other daft sports, such as running.

But while some expressed concerns for the safety of competitors, the committee came to the conclusion that pharmaceuticals would make dwile flonking ‘funnier’.

“Whether it’s hayfever tablets or hippy crack, you’d better be on something”, said Head of Flonking, Phil Evans. “The doctor will shine a special torch in your face and if he’s not convinced, we’ll give you something from this bag.”
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by | June 3, 2015 · 12:32 pm

Popular ‘Harold in Bloom’ winner disqualified for mass murder.

img_4915-1 Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.

73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading →

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by | · 10:30 am

Horror ride re-opens early for serious thrill seekers

rollerDespite the recent horrific accident in which several people were maimed, a local theme park has confirmed the ride involved would be open for business as usual this morning.

The proprietor of Harold Pleasure Park explained the ethos of the ride. “Everyone who takes a trip on a rollercoaster is seeking a thrill and taking a risk,” said Eddie Evans, “our Mortician Botherer ride offers all of that and more with our dodgy maintenance and lax attitude to health and safety procedures thrown in at no extra cost. You get a real sense of survival when you get off one of our rides.” Continue reading →

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by | May 31, 2015 · 12:32 am

Health and safety course postponed over concerns of training manual weight

trainingA Harold Council health and safety training course due to be held on Monday has been postponed following concerns about the weight of the training folder.

The updated folders were delivered to the council offices on Friday, but due to their now excessive weight they have been left on the floor, surrounded by highly visible tape, a warning sign, and a copy of the council’s public liability insurance certificate.

“The delivery driver romantically dropped off the training material on bended knee, with a straight back, and arms at shoulder length,” Joan Willis, the council’s health and safety officer said. “It was text book manual handling. Well at least we think it was.

“Sadly we can’t be sure as the amount of health and safety rules we now need to follow means the health and safety training manual is too heavy for anyone to move and check.”
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by | May 30, 2015 · 9:04 am

Amazing scenes as villagers lift bus onto hipster unicyclist

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A hipster and his iPod

The village came together as one yesterday evening to rescue itself from a hipster on a unicycle.

“It was rush hour. A busy time on the High Street during which there can be as many as three cars travelling plus a tractor,” PC Flegg told us. “I was on hand to co-ordinate the traffic when I saw this bearded idiot on a unicycle holding everyone up and looking unbelievably pleased with himself. I had no option but to taser him in the face for being an insufferable dick.” Continue reading →

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by | May 27, 2015 · 7:00 am

Born to run: persistence hunting moves to the gym

huntersize

“I’m working my way up to an antelope.”

Are you bored with going to the gym and drudging away on equipment in front of a mirror? But are you too soft to go outside? An ultra runner from Harold thinks he may have the answer.

“Man evolved to be a ‘persistence hunter’, tirelessly chasing down antelope to the point of exhaustion “, explained Dave Evans. “We were truly ‘born to run’, not to squeeze springs with our thighs. Which is why I put a cow on a treadmill.”

Evans has created a more natural gym in his barn, where wannabe Kalahari bushmen can pursue a range of animals for days at a time.

“I’m catering for the everyday gym-goer, so you can start with a fat hamster, or one of my old donkeys if you like”, said Evans. “And gradually work your way up to a heifer. Just keep pursuing it until it reaches the point of exhaustion, and then finish it off with a stick.”
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by | May 23, 2015 · 10:30 am

Proud child tells class about gifted parent

dadA Harold schoolboy used his morning talk to tell his classmates that his dad was gifted, and quite possibly a genius.

Simon Atkins, 8, said he first realised his dad Alan was gifted when he got sacked from his job as an insurance assessor.

“It was clear to me that dad’s job wasn’t challenging enough for him and he was bored. As a high-functioning type he needed extra mental stimulation which is obviously why he chose to defraud the company he worked for and then burn down the premises to cover his tracks.”
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by | May 19, 2015 · 6:43 am

Controversy as Primary school sandpit gains blue flag status

cat

Local cat, hatching a ‘stink vole’.

A sandpit that’s as popular with local cats as it is with the school children of Harold has been awarded ‘blue flag’ status.

Beach scientists sifted through the 3 metre by 2 metre site, using their toes and EC-standard flip-flops.

With a clear pass for oil spills and only one sticky penguin found, the team praised the sand for its relative freshness.

“It’s a wonderful eco system, the top inch was relatively barren, but below that, we found some furry, brown ‘stink voles’ that were flourishing” said team leader Nate Grimshaw.
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by | May 12, 2015 · 8:56 am

Man stops to smell the roses and suddenly remembers he’s going to die

Businessman rose“I’d just been so … busy. Pressures of work, lots of chores to do round the house, and the kids constantly playing up. Existential stuff pretty much took a back seat” said Harold insurance assessor Alan Atkins.

“Then there was the distraction of the election, who would ultimately triumph? Those nasty Tories or those bumbling socialists? And what about Farage? Were some of his best friends really Muslim? I don’t know if there was a conclusive answer to that one.”
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by | April 27, 2015 · 11:34 am

UK launches home-testing kit for arseholism

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Test is simple and quick.

A scientist from Harold has launched a home testing kit, allowing people to diagnose whether or not they’re an arsehole.

The condition is widespread and can make those affected insufferable, but until now, it’s been hard to self-diagnose.

Local GP Dr Evans is the brains behind the kit, which he’s expecting to sell in large numbers.

“Not directly to those with arseholism, obviously”, clarified Evans. “None of them have a clue that they’re ill.”

“But work colleagues can chip in and present an arsehole with a test kit, as a hint that there might be a problem.”
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by | April 21, 2015 · 4:53 am

Get your tits in for the girls: shirtless men ordered to stop wandering streets

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Shirtless blokes, this is not what you look like

The village council has passed a new law ordering men to cover-up when mooching around during the heatwave on account of no one wanting to be confronted by shirtless horror while innocently trying to do a little shopping.

“The High Street isn’t the beach,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “And the garden of the Squirrel Lickers is not the gym. Villagers have the right to be about their business without having moobs, scrawn, fur, horrible tattoos, spots, and distressing combinations of all five shoved in their faces with all the force and grotesqueness of Katie Hopkins’ opinion on migrants crossing the Med.” Continue reading →

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by | April 14, 2015 · 11:13 am

Odds shorten on royal baby being named ‘Vote Tory’

Kate models her pillow

Baby name could give Tories a small bump.

Ladbrokes has revealed that ‘Vote Tory’ is the odds-on favourite name for the royal baby, after a visit to Buckingham palace by Ed Miliband.

Less than 10 minutes after the Labour leader left the premises, a flurry of bets were made from a large address in St. James’s Park.

“It’s an unusual name”, admitted Gail Evans of Harold’s branch of the bookies. “In fact it’s so rare that if they were one day to be monarch, they would only be ‘Vote Tory IV’.”

A number of names have been suggested recently, including ‘Goodfor Tourism’, ‘Nigel’ and ‘Gene Pool Enlargement Specimen B’.
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by | April 13, 2015 · 7:34 am

Disgust as fans watch Game of Thrones ‘for free’

GOTFans have accessed a copy of Game of Thrones Season 5, days before it screens on Sky Atlantic.

The opening episode has been viewed by hundreds of fans, none of who paid a penny for the privilege.

“This is a serious matter”, said Harold’s PC Flegg. “There’s some evidence that this is the work of the criminal underground: the leak seems to have eminated from the UK’s oldest prison.”

Flegg explained that a torrent of fans had rushed to see the much-anticipated episode, by sneaking along a red carpet.

“Nothing would stop them, although some did pause for photos and autographs”, said Harold’s cybercrime specialist. “Then they shamelessly stole the entire programme using their eyes to stare at a screen outside the Tower of London.”
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by | April 9, 2015 · 6:40 am

Electorate demands: ‘Can we see the real candidates now?’

miliband muppet

The man that does the lips previously operated Jabba the Hut’s ringpiece.

With less than a month to go until the most dismal general election for decades, voters are pleading with the establishment to show them ‘the proper candidates now’.

Fed up with a wall of cartoon morons who you wouldn’t leave alone with your children, voters think it’s about time they came clean and showed us the real people.

“They spend a lot of time trying to look normal, some of them even pretend to eat”, said Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “But you can tell they’re just puppets because their eyes don’t work properly.”

Concerns were raised when a still-crumpled Cameron was emerged from a box on a bus in Wales, and a muddled-up Miliband was filmed blinking with his mouth.
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by | April 8, 2015 · 6:54 am

Election 2015: UKIP would ‘tax the French’

pub_landlord_farage

France hasn’t bought Nigel so much as a drink.

Nigel Farage has unveiled his party’s economic policy, and within it, plans to make the French pay our taxes.

In a move which would shift the financial burden from working class, middle class and upper class Brits, UKIP will instead tax someone else entirely.

“I’m sure we’ve all heard of the French”, said Farage. “And what the people on the streets are telling me, is that a lot of the French aren’t currently paying any tax at all in the UK.”

“They’re just idling away in their own country, and refusing to fill in British tax returns. That’s typical of them, and so many others in Federal Europe.”
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by | April 6, 2015 · 10:14 am

Shopper who saved over £1,000,000 at clothing and shoe sales bemused by bankruptcy

Dress saleA local stylist is distraught she has been made bankrupt despite holding clothing and shoe receipts showing she has saved over £1,000,000 in 5 short years.

“I just don’t understand” said 25 year old Sheree Evans. “We are told to save and I’ve spent many hours each week doing just that, buying clothing and shoes that were as much as 95% off. I’ve sought out last season’s fashions, as that’s where you make the biggest savings, even though obviously I wasn’t going to wear the stuff.”
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by | April 5, 2015 · 11:00 am

Crucified rabbit ‘was administrative error’

cross bunny

The magic rabbit may have laid its last egg.

Harold’s vicar, Rev Tansey Forster, has distanced herself from an event that saw a large-ish rabbit nailed to a cross on the village green.

Although she admitted telling children that the ‘Easter bunny’ wasn’t real and that the focus of the holiday should be more on capital punishment, she denies giving explicit orders to crucify a fat rabbit.

“It’s no secret that the bunny and I didn’t really see eye-to-eye”, admitted Forster. “And that’s not just because I’m diabetic.”
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by | March 31, 2015 · 11:55 am

EXCLUSIVE! Local greengrocer ‘won’t quit’

carrot (1)

A carrot

A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.

Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.

The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.

Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”

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by | March 30, 2015 · 7:00 am

Police take threat ‘not to buy tv licence’ seriously

tv licenceAn anonymous threat to not buy a television licence is being treated as ‘serious’ by police.

“We received a tip-off by email that a member of the public was planning to switch on an appliance, without having the appropriate paperwork”, said Harold’s PC Flegg.

“As soon as I read it, I put my Taser on charge and had a couple of practice shots at a potato on my sofa”, said Flegg. “I knew it was perfectly safe, because I don’t need permission to use it. Unlike my television, which costs me £145.50 a year before I can legally operate it.”

A psychological profiler thinks they’re looking for a man in their 40s, who likes cars or has a history of using one. He may also be uninterested in cooking competitively, and has possibly never knitted a bee.
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