Born to run: persistence hunting moves to the gym

“I’m working my way up to an antelope.”

Are you bored with going to the gym and drudging away on equipment in front of a mirror? But are you too soft to go outside? An ultra runner from Harold thinks he may have the answer.

“Man evolved to be a ‘persistence hunter’, tirelessly chasing down antelope to the point of exhaustion “, explained Dave Evans. “We were truly ‘born to run’, not to squeeze springs with our thighs. Which is why I put a cow on a treadmill.”

Evans has created a more natural gym in his barn, where wannabe Kalahari bushmen can pursue a range of animals for days at a time.

“I’m catering for the everyday gym-goer, so you can start with a fat hamster, or one of my old donkeys if you like”, said Evans. “And gradually work your way up to a heifer. Just keep pursuing it until it reaches the point of exhaustion, and then finish it off with a stick.”

We gave it a go, the results were extraordinary. After just 10 minutes of hypnotically gazing at the cow’s nethers, our reporter began to wonder which bit bacon comes from.

20 minutes in, and he was hallucinating the dotted lines that you see in the butchers, and imagining unzipping a beef burger from one of the rumps.

However, after 27 minutes, the hack collapsed, the thrill of the chase finally over. “I woke up to find a cow licking all the sweat off my back”, explained our employee. “It was a bit embarrassing, but much better than sharing a communal shower.”