Tag Archives: baby

by | October 8, 2015 · 7:00 am

Baby licked by Brian Blessed ‘developed super powers’

blessed

Very advanced for her age.

A baby that was delivered and subsequently licked by Brian Blessed now possesses powers associated with the super-human actor.

The baby girl was freed from her mother after Blessed gnawed through her umbilical cord. And just 6 months later, she was sporting a full beard.

“I remember sitting under a tree, when my pregnancy began”, said mother Charlotte Twaddle. “And then moments later, Blessed was chomping at the bits.”

After Blessed licked the baby clean of the associated unpleasantness, the child crawled almost immediately, before taking to the air.
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by | April 14, 2015 · 11:13 am

Odds shorten on royal baby being named ‘Vote Tory’

Kate models her pillow

Baby name could give Tories a small bump.

Ladbrokes has revealed that ‘Vote Tory’ is the odds-on favourite name for the royal baby, after a visit to Buckingham palace by Ed Miliband.

Less than 10 minutes after the Labour leader left the premises, a flurry of bets were made from a large address in St. James’s Park.

“It’s an unusual name”, admitted Gail Evans of Harold’s branch of the bookies. “In fact it’s so rare that if they were one day to be monarch, they would only be ‘Vote Tory IV’.”

A number of names have been suggested recently, including ‘Goodfor Tourism’, ‘Nigel’ and ‘Gene Pool Enlargement Specimen B’.
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by | March 2, 2015 · 2:16 am

Prince William arrives in China to see how ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along

rs_560x415-130624152710-1024.RoyalBaby14.mh.062413Prince William has arrived in China to help strengthen trading ties with the UK, and to see how the ‘new royal baby’ merchandise is coming along.

Visiting a sweatshop on the outskirts of Beijing, the second in line to the throne inspected a new range of plates, tea towels, and baby lizard toys that should be ready in time for the birth of his second child.

Speaking at the sweatshop, wearing a high visibility protective line of bodyguards, the Duke of Cambridge commended the employees on their work ethic.

“I’m grateful these workers are putting in 18 hour days in appalling conditions just to put my wife’s face on a plate” the prince said. “George had only just starting walking at their age”
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by | October 29, 2014 · 7:00 am

Robbie Williams manages to make childbirth more painful

'Robbie Williams shared photos and videos of himself and Ayda Field in the delivery suite.'

Actually, yes. It is all about me. It always is.

Robbie Williams tried to distract his wife Ayda from her recent  labour pains, with a spirited rendition of his hit song ‘Candy’ whilst she was in the maternity suite. “It was difficult to tell if it was working, because she usually whimpers when I’m performing.” said Williams.

The celebrity couple’s second child made a much-delayed appearance at Dunstable Royal Infirmary maternity unit as nurse Ærndís Vigfusson explained. “We’d already seen the baby’s head. But when Mr Williams started prancing about, the wee mite crawled back up the birth canal.
We had to coax him back out with some jelly tots and an exclusive contract with ‘Hello’ magazine.” Continue reading →

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by | November 11, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Duchess Kate ‘could be ageing’ reveals world media

kate's head

Signs of ageing ‘hardly noticeable’ until you blow them up and draw round them in red.

Professional harridans have warned readers of certain downmarket papers that the Duchess of Cambridge could be slowly ageing, it can be revealed.

Despite marrying into the Royal family and being quite thin, less professional journalists believe that there’s a chance Kate Middleton is still getting older.

Such a move by the Duchess will be a seen as a blow by the royals, and is likely to turn the public against her.

“No wonder she’s not a proper princess”, complained Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “If I’d married Wills, I wouldn’t dream of giving in to the passage of time. And the coat she was wearing made her look a bit ‘mumsy’. I expect she’ll be dumped soon and it serves her right, the frumpy bitch.”

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by | July 25, 2013 · 7:00 am

Royal baby named George following William’s tattoo dilemma

Duke's new tattooThe Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have finally named the ‘royal baby’ George Alexander Louis after arguing over a suitable name. The arguments revolved around the length of the third-in-line to the throne’s first name.

In his continuing efforts to modernise the monarchy the Duke wanted to be seen driving his new family home himself, has changed two nappies to give their nanny a rest and is now going to get his child’s name tattooed onto his forearm.

“The idea of getting a tattoo has been set for a while but William is a bit of a wimp”, royal watcher Nicholas Witchell told us. “Catherine always wanted a Bartholomew, Montgomery or Slartibartfast, but he had his heart set on something short and relatively painless to ink such as Bob, Jon or 3.”
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by | July 18, 2013 · 11:00 am

Exclusive royal baby update; nothing’s happened

After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.

After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.

After a nine month wait, newspapers, television news, internet sites all over the world and now the Evening Harold can confirm that nothing has happened in the royal baby story.

“There was a lady who pulled up in what we believe was a car, and made her way into the maternity ward” our reporter for the Evening Harold at the hospital said. “She was large, screaming and out of breath. Early reports suggest she was pregnant but not the Duchess of Cambridge.”

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by | June 14, 2013 · 7:00 am

Kate Middleton elects to have a ‘media birth’

kate preggers

Traditional bodyguards keep watchful eye on royal beef curtains

The Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton  has elected for a media birth, according to palace officials.

Like many young mums-to-be, Kate had a lot of choices to make for her ‘birth plan’, with some advisors suggesting an exclusive ‘push’ in Hello!, OK! or Pregnant MILFs!.

Editors have been scrubbing their arms and donning gowns they found on ebay, in the hope of getting a glimpse inside our future Queen.
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Image

Picture Exclusive: Klay Rooney gives Wayne and Coleen their first sleepless night

Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin

Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin

If you like it, we’d love you to share it.

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by | May 21, 2013 · 9:45 am