Professional harridans have warned readers of certain downmarket papers that the Duchess of Cambridge could be slowly ageing, it can be revealed.
Despite marrying into the Royal family and being quite thin, less professional journalists believe that there’s a chance Kate Middleton is still getting older.
Such a move by the Duchess will be a seen as a blow by the royals, and is likely to turn the public against her.
“No wonder she’s not a proper princess”, complained Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “If I’d married Wills, I wouldn’t dream of giving in to the passage of time. And the coat she was wearing made her look a bit ‘mumsy’. I expect she’ll be dumped soon and it serves her right, the frumpy bitch.”
Experts in making personal comments when they’re not wanted have advised Kate to wear short, tight clothing, and put make-up on with a spade.
“When you see her up close, she’s still got skin pores and natural eyebrows. She’ll never keep hold of her husband like that”, revealed bitter alcoholic Julie Honkston from the Dunstable Telegraph. “It’s not like she’s short of a bob, she could hire a personal stylist to follow her and touch her up.” Honkston’s article tailed off after expressing this thought.
Orange people who write endlessly about dresses and make-up have picked up on the article and repeated the tittle-tattle on Twitter. From this speculation it soon became apparent that the couple divorced some time ago, owing largely to her slobbing round in her pants.
“It’s certainly a brave move for Kate to brazenly go out with a grey hair”, claimed Jade Potter, 24 and Pantone 21. “I just hope and pray it was all part of some stupid stunt. If it isn’t, I’m worried what this could mean for the future of the monarchy. Baby George isn’t going to want breast milk from some scruffy old hag.”
Potter claims to have met with Kate Middleton on several occasions, to give her advice on how to stand still in time. “When I asked if she cared how she looked, the haughty cow actually raised her eyebrow at me”, complained Potter. “That’s a clear sign she’s not injecting enough botox.”
*The Evening Harold would like to assure readers that it would never resort to writing such vacuous tosh, but will continue to report on others who write it, purely so you don’t have to read it.