Appalling motoring conditions
A performance artist has been detained in Moscow after nailing his scrotum to the cobblestones of Red Square in a protest against the ‘appalling’ condition of recent resurfacing work.
Pyotr Pavlensky, 29, sat in the square for an hour on Sunday with a nail driven through his genitals into the ground, as a metaphor for the poor-quality asphalting following roadworks. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Politics, Travel
The scene was so emotional you couldn’t make it up, unless you are the security services or Alastair Campbell
A tearful Tony Blair was reunited temporarily with his conscience last Saturday, at the Royal Albert Hall’s Festival of Remembrance.
Blair, who has been publicly recognised for his major part in creating “Gulf2: ‘A boy never forgets starting his first war’” had left his conscience in the waiting area outside the US President’s Oval Office in 2002 but forgot to collect it on his way out. He’d not been expecting to see it again for a long time, if ever. Continue reading
Your work ethic between November 12th and January 2nd.
There have been long drawn-out sighs of quiet satisfaction across the nation this morning as the realisation dawned that ‘let’s get Christmas out the way first’ can once again be used as a legitimate excuse not to do anything.
“We had the two minutes silence for Armistice Day,” said Harold estate agent Gill Gates. “And then I thought that’s it. We’ve done Hallowe’en, we’ve commemorated Remembrance Sunday and Armistice Day, we’re on the home stretch to Christmas so it’s time to put the kettle on and spend the rest of the morning on Facebook.” Continue reading
Mayor Jackson in reflective mood.
The Mayor of the village of Harold has vowed not to resign, despite police confirmation that they have a video of him apparently eating a local pensioner.
Mayor Rufus D Jackson, who had previously denied being a murderous man-eating monster, appeared emotional as he insisted to journalists this morning that “a few isolated bouts of cannibalism” should not prevent him from doing his job.
After months of ducking the question, Mr Jackson acknowledged at a press conference outside Harold’s butcher supplies emporium that he had merely “eaten one or two people” while “really really hungry”.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Food, Lifestyle, Politics
Plenty of space inside Cox’s head.
A team of micro-scientists working inside Professor Brian Cox’s brain say they have found the source of the universe in a small cluster of his brain cells. “The universe we are all familiar with in everyday life is nothing more than a holographic projection from within this man’s imagination,” said Professor Kevin Heidelberg out of Cox’s left ear.
The announcement in such a tiny voice from within Cox’s cochlea would surely have passed unheard had it not been for dentist Dr Richard Burlington, whose own ear ‘was in the right place at the right time’ as he polished Cox’s teeth to perfection. It was a moment in time for the doctor.
“I was plunged into an existential vortex,” Dr Burlington admitted, “questions racing through my mind about the very essence of life and the universe and whether Professor Cox was himself perhaps just a character in one of Dara O’Briain’s dreams. But I pulled myself together, tapped him on the knee and said ‘There, all done now’.”
The discovery that everything is a figment of Cox’s imagination has left a lot of people feeling slightly numb, with a sense of uncertainty as to whether they’re really here or not and whether there’s any point in anything anymore. Worried Harold pensioner Doris Kettle said she felt ‘funny in the head.’ “I’ve been ringing the NHS helpline all day,” she told the Evening Harold, “but all you ever get is an answering machine. Hello?”
The Indian Space Agency is particularly angry at the timing of the discovery and the Pope has spent the day pinching himself. The UK Government has stepped in with a summons for Professor Cox to appear before a select committee and explain himself, a move which the opposition described as ‘lacking imagination and probably futile’.
Meanwhile, the Department of Work & Pensions has called for ‘calm and commonsense’. “The best advice,” said Vince Cable, “is for everyone to relax, take a deep breath and get back to what you’re supposed to be – ” but he was cut short as he spontaneously disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Peter Pan complex: is Brand the sixth form debater who never grew up?
There was shock for Russell Brand’s acolytes yesterday when it turned out that he is not the nation’s moral leader and holds no official position in either government or the church.
“I thought he was like boss of everything,” said Harold resident and long-term Brand follower Sean Pavey. “Because he gets blanket press coverage and goes on Newsnight giving it the big I am, I assumed he was important.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics, Showbusiness
The UK’s ability to effectively deal with terrorists was dealt another blow after the European Court of Justice ruled that it was unconstitutional and basically bad form to burn Guy Fawkes for the 407th year in a row.
The European Court noted that it was satisfied that Guy Fawkes was correctly found guilty of being Catholic, and hence a little burning was required, but said 407 times was excessive and amounted to torture or, at the very least, a breach of European clean air guidelines relating to open fires.
In a move that has inflamed public opinion, the Court has not only halted Guy Fawkes impending immolation, but has also said he must be released on bail.
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
Results will be altered and covered up in time for award ceremony.
The prestigious 2013 National Police Lying awards ceremony will be held at the O2 arena later this month and with only days left until nominations close, excitement is building.
Contenders for the headline Lie of the Season award will certainly come from amongst the numerous plebgate participants but the smart-money is awaiting the outcome of this week’s Home Affairs Select Committee. Committee Chair Keith Vaz MP will find himself in the unusual role of ‘the nice one’.
Sergeants Stuart Hinton and Chris Jones, who are expected to put in yet another stirring performance at Westminster, may later have the opportunity of reprising it 12 miles away at Wormwood Scrubs; to Big Ron on the landing of E wing.
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Unlike all our other pictures, for some reason this one wouldn’t stick to the left
Following on from yesterday’s announcement that the conservative-led Home Office had lost track of two terror suspects, the Labour Party have had to admit they too have lost someone with a proven record of being a danger to national security.
Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, also known to his associates as ‘Yo Blair’, has been missing since 31st October when an undercover surveillance team saw him enter a Halloween party dressed in ‘western- style clothes’.
It is thought he gave the team the slip by exiting in a scary and spooky but wholly realistic Margret Thatcher disguise (pictured above).
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Filed under Crime, International News, News, Politics, Uncategorized
Take twice before meals
Whilst Durham’s Police and Crime Commissioner is assessing drug consumption rooms, where addicts may safely inject, Boris Johnson thinks their remit might be extended to include pies.
London’s Mayor has studied a summary of a half-page article about research in Denmark, where they already run drug rooms and he believes the model might work here too.
Johnson says the experiment in Copenhagen has helped clean up streets from take-away food wrappers.
“Gluttons are good for business and good for London, in the same way as compulsive gamblers and alcoholics. But we want gluttons to access pies in a safe environment so they’re not committing crimes against decency; say munching a pasty in the dole queue without using a serviette, then dropping the greasy bag on the floor.”
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‘Don’t forget your sandwiches…’
School run mums in Harold are teaching their children to exit vehicles at speed, to avoid fines from council stooges with cameras.
Dozens of parents have been fined for parking illegally while dropping their kids off at the local primary school, with photographic evidence being used to make the charges stick in court.
But desperate families who live some 1200 yards away have adopted an alarming new technique, which involves ejecting children at speeds of up to 20 miles an hour.
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Happy birthday Samaritans. Five million calls answered a year and no one ever gets put on hold. Whatever you’re doing we wish you could train the call centre at our bank to do it too.
A valuable skills-orientated workplace for a modern Britain and definitely not a dark satanic mill. Honest.
While on a tour of a factory David Cameron spoke of his hopes for the future by declaring that he wants the vast majority of the nation’s children to grow up and work for the children of he and his friends.
“As a country what we ought to be saying is: ‘Let’s get our education system right so we are producing young people out of our schools and colleges who are fully capable of doing these low-paid, soul-sapping jobs for less money a week than I spend on micro-transactions when I’m playing Angry Birds,” the Prime Minister said.
Osborne will perform tracks by The Ramones, Joy Division and Bob the Builder.
Chancellor George Osborne is hoping to boost his popularity, by taking his new ‘mod’ hair on the road and playing at Glastonbury.
Osborne, who now drops his aitches and calls the festival ‘Glasto’, has been remodelled into what politicians believe is ‘the average punter’.
“Plebs ‘n that, they don’ like airs n’ graces an’ all that”, explained Osborne. “So ar’ve decided to be meself, or at least be the meself that wouldn’t have been bullied quite so relentlessly at school.”
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Following the ‘great breeze’ of 2013, the government has taken the opportunity to use the travel disruption to push forward some of the benefits of HS2, claiming the carriages of the high-speed trains will have the ability to jump over fallen trees.
A pram almost as large as their sense of entitlement.
The government has received a large boost in opinion polls with the announcement of the new prams in coffee shops tax.
“We believe in helping hard-working Britons,” said Chancellor George Osborne. “And our new tax will allow people who only have a few minutes to leave their workplace and grab a caffeinated beverage of their choice to be able to do so without being forced to fight their way into coffee shops stuffed with prams the size of shire horses or having to queue for ages as a parent insists on their three year old doing the ordering and paying no matter how long this takes or how many people are waiting to be served so said three year old can ‘have a learning experience’.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Despite omnipotence, God may still need to rely on coalition with Nick Clegg.
Omnipotent Christian deity God has spent the day changing some faces in his cabinet in the first reshuffle for over 2000 years. Many involved are household names and the shake up is seen as significant on earth as it is in heaven.
The big loser is God’s long time wing man Jesus of Nazareth, whose coveted position of ‘sitting at the right hand of God’ has gone to Princess Diana. The heavenly father has recently faced fresh accusations of nepotism as well as a failure to represent females in positions of power, and has seemingly smote two birds with one stone.
What goes up, must stay up.
In an attempt to avoid increasing energy bills, Harold resident, Julie Kettle, has found herself back with her original energy provider after assiduously following Government advice by changing suppliers six times in three weeks to take advantage of the apparent competition.
“At the start of this my provider was SSE,” said Mrs Kettle, “so I was rather distraught when they announced that they were pushing up their bills by 8.2%. The last straw for me was when they announced that their Economy 7 tariff was now going to become ‘Economy 7.57’ in line with the price rise.” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
President Obama defended hiring Rupert Murdoch as his communications officer after it emerged the US may have been hacking Angela Merkel’s phone.
President Obama had phoned the German Chancellor to discuss the issue and left a message, however she has denied receiving it. But Obama is adamant he left the message on her voicemail.
“I was shocked to hear the message I left her may not have recorded properly so I got Murdoch to check for me” Obama said.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
With the Home Office deciding not to continue using the immigration ‘go home’ vans, some Spanish resorts have shown an interest in purchasing them.
“A van with the basic message of ‘go home foreigner’ will do well here” the Mayor of Magaluf said.
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