New tax on prams in coffee shops gives government boost in polls

A pram almost as large as their sense of entitlement.

A pram almost as large as their sense of entitlement.

The government has received a large boost in opinion polls with the announcement of the new prams in coffee shops tax.

“We believe in helping hard-working Britons,” said Chancellor George Osborne. “And our new tax will allow people who only have a few minutes to leave their workplace and grab a caffeinated beverage of their choice to be able to do so without being forced to fight their way into coffee shops stuffed with prams the size of shire horses or having to queue for ages as a parent insists on their three year old doing the ordering and paying no matter how long this takes or how many people are waiting to be served so said three year old can ‘have a learning experience’.”

“The tax is simple. Anyone wishing to enter a coffee shop with a pram must pay a ten pound supplement on their bill which then goes straight to the Treasury. If you want to drink-in with a pram it’s twenty pounds and if you loudly complain about there being no gluten-free wheat-free food-free items on the menu because your Tarquin is special you will be arrested.”

On the streets of Harold the pram tax was mostly met with approval.

“It makes perfect sense,” said former Bond girl and animal sanctuary owner Emilie Bourdain. “I have to go outside to smoke because of the effect that has on people so it’s time parents and the screaming children that they allow to run around coffee shops without intervention are kept out for the same reason.”

Nick Stalling who as a member of Harold’s own  Bravo Company, TA has served two tours in Afghanistan commented, “I’ve seen buggies on the high street so big they could run over a Taliban stronghold. And is it me or are the kids in them getting older? You get four year olds now with dummies in their mouths being pushed around. Get ’em on their feet, get ’em running.”

Geek shop owner and mother of two Cassie Fine had a different opinion. “Have we all gone mad? We’re talking about children. What kind of society wants to ban the next generation? This is a deliberately divisive and monstrous tax.” After some thought she added. “On the other hand if the Chancellor were to change it to a tax on Apple fixated wankers nursing a single coffee for hours and posing with their shiny toys then I’d be bang on side.”


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2 Responses to New tax on prams in coffee shops gives government boost in polls

  1. I was in Starbucks this morning and the gentleman in front of me ordered a “decaf soya latte”. As you can imagine I pushed him over but unbelievably I was asked to leave. They wouldn’t even honour my order of a mochachocasnikasnakafrappafuckingchino so I was forced to sit at one of their tables with a coffee I’d bought elsewhere. Have any of your other readers encountered such appalling customer service?

    • I’m appalled by what passes for correct etiquette when beveraging out these days. No saucer, no sugar tongs, not so much as a doily. McDonalds has gone right down hill.