George Osborne’s hair to headline Glastonbury

Noel Osborne

Osborne will perform tracks by The Ramones, Joy Division and Bob the Builder.

Chancellor George Osborne is hoping to boost his popularity, by taking his new ‘mod’ hair on the road and playing at Glastonbury.

Osborne, who now drops his aitches and calls the festival ‘Glasto’, has been remodelled into what politicians believe is ‘the average punter’.

“Plebs ‘n that, they don’ like airs n’ graces an’ all that”, explained Osborne. “So ar’ve decided to be meself, or at least be the meself that wouldn’t have been bullied quite so relentlessly at school.”

Focus groups have identified ‘clear speech’, ‘privilege’ and ‘being a politician’ as turn-offs for some voters, particularly the ‘squeezed middle-class’ who are offended by their own rising levels of poshness.

“This is the real me, come raand my ‘ouse fer a brew an’ you’ll see ah don’ use a saucer or doily or nuffink”, insisted the old Etonian, before adding “f**k that sh*t. Tea’s a mug’s game”.

With help from image experts including Nigel Kennedy and Jamie Oliver, Osborne’s transformation is so complete even his own mother wouldn’t be surprised to see him sniffing glue on a run-down council estate in Peckham.

“My old girl, she’s right ashamed of me, ‘specially when she ‘eard I was doin’ Glasto” revealed Osborne, as he took out a pouch and papers and attempted to roll his own tea bag. “But I’m an edgy rebel these days, so she’s just gunna ‘ave to develop a coping strategy.”

With Jamie Oliver on drums, Tim Lovejoy on bass and Nigel Kennedy on first violin, Osborne is confident the gig will be so popular even Ed Balls would think twice about being mean to him.

But Osborne’s mother, Felicity Alexandra Loxton-Peacock, is worried about the MP for Mockney. She told us that her son was at risk of losing what remained of his credibility.

“Glastonbury for f**k’s sake? Why the b*****ks would the little c**t want to play there?” she exclaimed. “It’ll just be one boring tw*t, pretending to be all edgy and non-comformist, performing in front of thousands of other class traitors doing exactly the same.”

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