Author Archives: waylandsmithy

by | May 6, 2014 · 7:00 am

Louis Vuitton enters ‘posh crisp bag’ market

vuiton crisps

Louis Vuitton crisp bags unlikely to be plundered by husbands.

Fashion giant Louis Vuitton is targeting fat cats, with a new range of impossibly posh potato-based snack bags.

The firm will offer exclusive flavours for the more discerning palate, including lamb n’ minted, cheese et privilege and ‘plain’ pomme de tiara.

With product placement key to success, celebrities from LA to St. Tropez have been spotted dipping into the designer delicacies, before wiping their fingers on a servant.
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by | May 5, 2014 · 10:00 am

Crowds gather for May Day cyclist shoot

mounted head

Bagging a cyclist is the dream of many.

The annual May Day cyclist shoot is expected to draw a record crowd this year, as huge numbers of the migrant subspecies pour into Harold from surrounding ring roads.

With their brightly coloured lycra plumage in spectacular condition, organisers hope to bring down at least 20 of the blighters before they reach the relative safety of Dunstable.

“Barristers and stock brokers alike revere the cyclists of Harold”, explained sportskeeper Iliah Evans. “They’re bred for their speed, stamina and easily shootable buttocks.”
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by | May 2, 2014 · 11:00 am

Man sitting near journalist for local newspaper ‘definitely a filthy tramp’

office2A man sitting in the offices of an undisclosed local newspaper is a manky, filthy tramp-pig, according to unnamed sources.

Accused of burping, sniffing and farting simultaneously and harvesting nose hair with his fingers, the alleged oaf also eats cake for breakfast, it can be revealed.

“Although these activities aren’t illegal, some working at the newspaper think they should be”, said one employee. “Especially those who sit within range of his spittle.”
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by | May 1, 2014 · 11:00 am

Critic slams Kurt Cobain suicide note as ‘derivative’

Nirvana

Cobain fans: ‘tragic, too young’

A music critic has poured scorn on a recently revealed suicide letter, found on the body of Kurt Cobain.

The Nirvana frontman left the ‘derivative’ and ‘pedestrian’ note in his wallet, before shamelessly copying Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and other stars by dying while aged 27.

“This note, with its tired references to his wife, drugs and money, is the sort of thing that’s been done hundreds of times before”, said Q Magazine’s Gregory Mallard. “But normally with more nuance, or at least an occasional change in tempo.”
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by | April 24, 2014 · 12:00 pm

‘Misleading’ Centre Parcs ad ‘showed visitor who still had some money left’

money burn

Slightly cheaper than burning an approved fire log.

An advert for holiday sharks Centre Parcs has been banned, after claims that it showed a visitor who still had a penny to his name.

Amidst the normal crowd of gaunt faces and children dressed in rags was a man looking at a menu, and wondering whether to buy chips.

“The very idea that anyone can come away from Centre Parcs while still remaining solvent is a disgusting distortion of the truth”, said campaigner Pippa Delaney.

“We’d done most of our money before we’d left the car park and had to spend the remaining four days eating soil. We just sat in our chalet trying to remember how to play charades, and fantasising about cooking a swan over one of their £87 fire logs.”
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by | · 10:00 am

Shock as people mumble incoherently in a pub

Jamaica

Cornish pirates are renowned for their correct pronunciation.

Viewers are furious that a show about the Jamaica Inn contained incoherent mumbling, gurgling sounds and other fairly common pub noises.

In one scene, the barman Joss Merlyn explained something really earnestly and slowly just using vowels, as he attempted to sit carefully on the fire.

‘Erm a pira’, said Joss. ‘AAAAARRR! y’now. A pir. afur afurki pir. A PIRA! AAAAAARRR JIM LAD.’

At this point, his brother Jem aggressively disagreed with him, stating ‘ba..b…bullo’s. yerr a f…f…a big f**kern PIRATE.’

Others attempted to balance things on their face, and a young extra soiled themselves and then found it funny.
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by | April 23, 2014 · 7:00 am

Nigel Farage changes name to ‘Garage’ to sound ‘less foreign’

Nigel Garage, the formerly French-sounding leader of UKIP, has been explaining to the press why he changed his name by deed poll.

Waving a little Union Flag and talking in cockney, Garage (now pronounced ‘garridge’) claimed that he was broadening his appeal to the sort of low-thinking, closet racist who won’t eat lasagne because it ‘sounds too foreign’.

“It always infuriated me that people in UK call centres had to ask me how I spelled my name”, said Garage. “But so far, they’ve had no problem with the new one. And I have to say, it does seem to be a rather apt choice. The last chap I spoke to said he ‘could just imagine driving his car into me’.”
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by | April 21, 2014 · 8:30 am

Lions deny any involvement in Longleat fire

firelion

Investigators think he might be lion.

A pride of lions has sought to distance itself from a vehicle blaze in their enclosure at Longleat.

Despite ‘vaguely smelling of turps’, investigators have so far failed to pin the blame on the big cats, who categorically denied they’d put a tiger in the tank.

Michelle Evans is a forensic keeper at the park, and thinks the lions may have paid some chimps to monkey with the car’s cooling system.

“The family think their car overheated in slow traffic, but if that was the case the M6 would be ablaze from Knutsford right through to the M56”, she explained. “We’re pretty sure an alpha male bribed the chimps to rub their muck in the radiator, and sat back and waited for the females to bring a meal back from the drive-thru.”
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by | April 20, 2014 · 12:31 pm

‘No ID, no checks’: how morally destitute man passed himself off as Daily Mail journalist

foodbank

Mr Murphy also restocked the paper’s stationary cupboard.

A man with virtually no morals to fall back on posed as a journalist for the Daily Mail.

That’s the claim of a food bank recently cleaned out by the scrounger, who is described as ‘starving of empathy and quite heavily stained with chocolate.’

Simon Murphy walked into the offices of the newspaper and started typing out hate, after discovering that charities were giving out food to families that need it. Not one member of staff spotted that something was wrong, despite the rowdy ‘nomnomnom’ coming from his desk, or his continual complaint that they didn’t have couscous.
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by | · 8:30 am

Pathologist raises new doubts over Jesus ’cause of death’

hayfever

A handkerchief, or the holy ghost?

A retired pathologist has uncovered evidence that Jesus may not have died from crucifixion as widely reported.

Far from succumbing to a cross, professor Howes believes Jesus was overcome by hay fever, perhaps triggered by Easter flowers or the dust given off by moths.

“The bible gives quite a few clues that the real cause of death has been covered up”, claimed Howes. “A lot of the ‘evidence’ just doesn’t seem to stack up.”
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by | April 16, 2014 · 11:30 am

Panda ‘pregnant’ after Tian Tian replaced by randy spaniel

panda dog (2)

New pandas ‘up to 90% more randier’.

Edinburgh zoo is celebrating their first panda pregnancy, after doctors substituted the female with a spaniel in heat.

Tian Tian had initially appeared reluctant to mate with the male panda, Yang Guang. But by pioneering a technique that saw the female bear trapped under a bucket and replaced with a smallish three year-old dog, experts hoped to dramatically increase the chances of conception.

Expert Brian Sweeney explained that it hadn’t all been plain sailing.
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by | April 15, 2014 · 3:08 pm

Review: ‘Oranges are not the only fruit’ focuses too much on horticulture

Mariella Buss-Stop

Mariella Buss-Stop

Mariella Buss-Stop reviews the Harold Player’s latest theatre production.

The latest production by the Harold players left an unpleasant taste in my mouth, and not just because I’m citrus intolerant.

Expecting a plodding yet faithful interpretation of Jeanette Winterson’s lesbian coming-of-age classic, I wasn’t prepared for quite such a long-winded and frankly angry diatribe on the taxonomy of vegetables.

The lead actress, made a good fist of being a lesbian, although it could be argued the dungarees were something of a tired stereotype. Smeared in mud (perhaps a metaphor for foul Pentecostal intolerance) and carrying a pig under her arm, the show opens with her silently getting her lettuce out.
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by | · 11:00 am

Global warming blamed for Britain’s clean beaches

beach

Worryingly clean: Families fear they may soon enjoy UK holidays

A shocking rise in the number of UK beaches that have become ‘clean enough to holiday on’ is being blamed on man-made global warming.

With dryer, warmer summers leading to less run-off into coastal areas, some families fear they could soon find themselves vacationing in Rhyl.

“It’s a vicious circle”, complained David Evans, occasional holidayer and amateur climatologist. “Our carbon emissions seem to be causing ever more barbecues on the beach. I don’t want to alarm you unnecessarily, but I’ve drawn a graph to show the trend. By 2020, even Blackpool could be largely turd-free.”
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by | April 11, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Translator wins Chinese contract, joy radiance abounds

A happy, long man is upwording for China, in a moneybelt stuffer to glory.

grass

Unenglishing backwards can also be attend.

Malcolm ‘Translator’ Evans, clear minded and winsome, will do english from the stuff China are pouting.

“Its been a mind tapper for some period of doubt in my wallet”, beamed Evans, taller now and communistically handsome. “I word to the wise, harsh wood softly poken. Never capitals, you bellowing prannet.”
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by | April 9, 2014 · 11:00 am

Self-sufficient couple dream of retiring to London ex-council estate

cockney gothic

Happy at last: couple can’t wait to retire to the city.

A Harold couple who grow vegetables on their organic small-holding can’t wait to sell everything and buy an ex-council house in London.

Jeanette and Ted Evans have worked tirelessly on their farm for the last 18 years, sometimes waking as early as 9.30am to tend to their radishes and spring cabbages.

Ted has dreamed for some time of giving it all up and moving to a sink estate, perhaps somewhere pebble-dashed with a shared communal area.
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by | · 7:00 am

NZ Tour Latest: Kate Middleton to walk naked into fire with large, leathery eggs

george and dragon

Mother of George, and Dragon.

All eyes will be on the Duchess of Cambridge this afternoon, as she takes up her rightful role of ‘Mother of Dragons’ during the royal tour of New Zealand.

Wearing a red Catherine Walker coat initially to hide her royal nuddiness, the sylph-like Kate will disrobe away from the cameras. She will then slip into something a little less comfortable, namely an 80-foot high funeral pyre.

“Tradition dictates that the Lady Regnant of the Wider Gene Pool shall smoke an unsavoury hag during the birthing ceremony”, revealed a nerd inexplicably dressed as a dwarf. “She’s chosen Celia Wade-Brown, the mayor of Wellington, after the comments she made on Twitter.”
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by | April 4, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Latest USB cable still won’t reach between wall socket, table

phone

New USB cable will support the widest range of knots yet.

IT boffins have confirmed that the newest variation on the USB cable will still be slightly shorter than you need.

While the current USB cable is incompatible with the wall socket behind the sofa and that new table you bought in Ikea, rumours on the internet had suggested that Version 3.1 would feature a breakthrough in length technology.

But scientists confirmed that it will still be just a few millimetres bereft in that department, so that if your phone rings while it’s charging it will be smashed on the floor.

“People take their gadgets for granted these days”, said professor Sarah Hughes. “But a lot of thought goes into something as simple as a new cable.”

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by | April 3, 2014 · 7:00 am

Nick Clegg loses argument with McDonald’s drive-thru assistant

cleggthru

Clegg was unsure whether to appeal to the left or to the right.

Nick Clegg faced further humiliation this morning, after losing a conversation with a girl working in McDonalds.

Clegg, who revealed he eats cheap meat for comfort if people are mean to him, was left looking ‘out of touch, out of ideas and out of onion rings’ by the ordeal.

Nikki Hampton works at the fast food outlet to pay her way through her degree. Responsible for mumbling the names of burgers and then sniggering as people smash their door mirrors against her booth, she was more than a match for Britain’s deputy PM.

“I knew it was someone pretending to be important by the length of their limo”, said Hampton. “And true enough, when the blackened rear window dropped there was just this sad, little boy-man staring out. When he squeaked ‘a whopper please’, I knew that I’d got him on the ropes. He was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
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by | April 2, 2014 · 1:00 pm

Welsh Assembly accidentally bans electronics from all public spaces

amstrad

Electronics ban could set Wales back ‘weeks’

There was embarrassment in the Welsh Assembly last night, after MPs accidentally voted to ban electronics from all public spaces.

The motion had been intended to tackle e-cigs, or ‘electronic cigarettes’ that act as a tobacco replacement. But with no word for ‘e-cig’ in the Welsh language, what they actually voted for was a ban on 21st Century technology.

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by | · 11:00 am

‘Shocking’ price of England shirts forces squad to play in ‘skins’

shirtless

Not struggling with a shirt will give Rooney more time to focus on his shoelaces.

England’s football team has reacted angrily to the £90 price tag on their shirts, and are threatening to appear at the World Cup in ‘skins’.

With money tight for the average Premiership footballer, many in the squad feel they have no choice but to play topless in Brazil later this year.

Star striker Wayner Rooney wasn’t impressed with the new design. ‘They’ve not even spelled ‘England’ right on mine, but the teacher has still given it a gold star’ said a clearly angry Wayne.

Roy Hodgson later pointed out to him that it actually said ‘Rooney’. ‘I knowed that’ said the player. ‘Am we playing for Rooney now?’
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