Lions deny any involvement in Longleat fire


Investigators think he might be lion.

A pride of lions has sought to distance itself from a vehicle blaze in their enclosure at Longleat.

Despite ‘vaguely smelling of turps’, investigators have so far failed to pin the blame on the big cats, who categorically denied they’d put a tiger in the tank.

Michelle Evans is a forensic keeper at the park, and thinks the lions may have paid some chimps to monkey with the car’s cooling system.

“The family think their car overheated in slow traffic, but if that was the case the M6 would be ablaze from Knutsford right through to the M56”, she explained. “We’re pretty sure an alpha male bribed the chimps to rub their muck in the radiator, and sat back and waited for the females to bring a meal back from the drive-thru.”

Other theories are that the lions licked Ray Mears during the making of a BBC documentary, which may have accelerated their survival skills.

“Or maybe it was the fat elder lion who sits in the tree, quietly watching”, said Evans. “He could have focused the sun’s rays, using his spectacles.”

The lions appear to have closed ranks on the investigation, and no trace of gnawed fuel lines have so far been found in their poo.

“It’s a tough investigation”, admitted Evans. “As Wittgenstein said, ‘if a lion could talk, we would not understand him’. But a lot of the weaker animals seem to understand well enough. We found a well-chewed antelope yesterday, desperately trying to rub its horns together.”

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