‘No ID, no checks’: how morally destitute man passed himself off as Daily Mail journalist


Mr Murphy also restocked the paper’s stationary cupboard.

A man with virtually no morals to fall back on posed as a journalist for the Daily Mail.

That’s the claim of a food bank recently cleaned out by the scrounger, who is described as ‘starving of empathy and quite heavily stained with chocolate.’

Simon Murphy walked into the offices of the newspaper and started typing out hate, after discovering that charities were giving out food to families that need it. Not one member of staff spotted that something was wrong, despite the rowdy ‘nomnomnom’ coming from his desk, or his continual complaint that they didn’t have couscous.

“Mr Murphy came to us with food vouchers so we gave him some food”, said Margaret Evans of the Trussell Trust. “Then he announced that he’d lied, and wondered why we hadn’t tortured him. I tried to explain that we’re volunteers and not that proficient at waterboarding, at which point he sneered, grabbed a battenburg and stormed out.”

Not content with proving that some destitute people aren’t facing a lie detector test before being handed free rice, Mr Murphy later tunnelled into the food bank using an army of slaves. “He came in through the wall just behind the butter”, explained Evans. “He ate all the biscuits, and smashed up a trifle.”

“We know it was him because he left a note saying our security was lax, and threatening to sue us for causing him indigestion. There’s no depth he won’t stoop to, he even took a Kitkat from the bottom shelf. So perhaps he is a tabloid journalist after all.”

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