Elizabeth, Queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Head of the Commonwealth, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, and Empress of the Lone Islands is today celebrating her 88th birthday. In honour of the occasion we present the top fifteen facts about her extraordinary life and reign.
1. Her corgis are bred to bark at the same pitch as the theme tune from ‘Never the Twain’.
2. Turned down a role in the Lego Movie.
3. Her middle name is secretly Bernard. It is illegal to mention this.
4. While Prince Philip relies on whisky to dull the pain of the Royal Variety Performance, Her Majesty prefers to discreetly nibble on wafer biscuits laced with genetically modified super-skunk twenty minutes before curtain up.
5. Her 1984 Christmas speech is sampled on the Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’.
6. She gave birth to Charles, Anne and Andrew but won Edward during an all-night baccarat session.
7. Due to a printing mix-up her head appears on Vietnam’s five dong note.
8. The Queen was disqualified from the inaugural bog-snorkelling championship for inappropriate use of the whip.
9. She keeps all the gifts given to her in a gigantic private vault that she rides a horse through naked while yelling ‘my preciousssss’ at the top of her voice.
10. Like the assassin Scaramanga in ‘The Man with the Golden Gun’ the Queen has three nipples. And is an assassin.
11. Will become Britain’s longest serving monarch on 11th September 2015 and plans to celebrate this by having Osborne House carpet bombed.
12. Cunningly disguised, Her Majesty has been ‘the star in the reasonably priced car’ six times. Most recently while pretending to be Martin Clunes.
13. Is allergic to mangos, cross-dressers, and poverty.
14. Hasn’t spoken informally to Prince Philip since 1963.
15. Likes to tease Prince Charles by holding out the crown and snatching it away just before he can take it. Over and over and over again.