John McCririck, one time racing pundit and lifelong bigot, has left court today after losing his age discrimination case still unsure why he was fired.
Renowned for his 16th century view of women, McCririck was fired from his position on Chanel 4 Racing, where he was often partnered by Tanya Stevenson, or as he used to call her, ‘the female’.
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Sport
A review into the NHS and emergency treatment has suggested a two-tier healthcare system; NHS or BUPA.
“This new system will be easy to understand” Prof Sir Bruce Keogh, the NHS director who led the review explained.
“Those who wish to be seen, diagnosed and treated in less than four hours, all in the comfort of a clean, well-funded hospital and complimentary dressing gown can go to a BUPA hospital.”
The government and a private research company have announced they are to encourage mothers to breast feed by offering them £200 in shopping vouchers.
If the scheme is successful, they will roll out the scheme to cover other areas of parenting including playing, washing and clothing children.
In an attempt to continue on the road to redemption, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong has vowed to testify with ‘100% transparency and honesty’ to any doping inquiry. And to ensure he is on top evidence giving form, he will also be high as a kite.
“I want to make sure that I give these inquiries my best performance for the good of the sport” Armstrong told reporters. “To make sure I give them 100%, I have already started a programme of blood doping. It’s only fair.”
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‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.
A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.
Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.
“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”
Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.
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Filed under Culture, Entertainment, Showbusiness, Uncategorized
Snooping at people through net curtains ‘defends people’s freedoms’, the head of Harold’s Neighbourhood Watch (HNW) has told the council’s ‘nosey bastards select committee’.
Janice Logan, Chief Executive of HNW, told the committee that since she took charge in 2010, her organisation has disrupted 3 cases of anti-social behaviour, identified the mystery dog owner that left their dog’s ‘suspicious packages’ all over the village without clearing them up, and had set-up surveillance on five separate bedrooms to counter the threat affairs may have on the local divorce rate.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News
After years giving interviews, being on television and releasing press releases to respond to every news story ever written about them, Generic Celebrity has taken the bold decision to ‘put the record straight’ in a new book, just before Christmas.
“My reputation in the press is well known” Generic Celebrity told us. “I have often been accused of spending money, having sex, and occasionally being in a bad mood. Now it’s time I stuck up for myself and put my side of the story across, just before Christmas.
“Sure I could use my public profile to do it in interviews and through the press for free, but I think it will be far more dignified if I do it in a £14.99 book just in time for people spending money on frivilous shit, just before Christmas”.
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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Showbusiness
Unlike all our other pictures, for some reason this one wouldn’t stick to the left
Following on from yesterday’s announcement that the conservative-led Home Office had lost track of two terror suspects, the Labour Party have had to admit they too have lost someone with a proven record of being a danger to national security.
Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, also known to his associates as ‘Yo Blair’, has been missing since 31st October when an undercover surveillance team saw him enter a Halloween party dressed in ‘western- style clothes’.
It is thought he gave the team the slip by exiting in a scary and spooky but wholly realistic Margret Thatcher disguise (pictured above).
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Filed under Crime, International News, News, Politics, Uncategorized
Have you ever wondered how to dispose of excess cooking fat without clogging the sewers or your arteries?
Do you wish you George Foreman grill could be a ‘lean, green, death reducing, smugness machine’?
Well, Harold council have the solution to all your problems this winter with their new
‘Recycle Your Fat And Save a Skinny’ campaign
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Filed under Around Harold, Food
Following the ‘great breeze’ of 2013, the government has taken the opportunity to use the travel disruption to push forward some of the benefits of HS2, claiming the carriages of the high-speed trains will have the ability to jump over fallen trees.
He doesn’t mind racing in countries with human rights issues, but he won’t race south of the river
Following Sebastian Vettel’s fourth Formula 1 world championship win in India, a local taxi driver has launched a scathing attack on the German saying “driving round in circles in a 200mph car is easy, he should try the M25 on a Friday lunchtime in a Ford Mondeo filled with a fragranced cloud of Magic Tree vanilla.”
Claiming he could do better with his eyes closed, Tommy Alwright from Harold continued his verbal assassination of Vettel’s achievement by comparing the standard of conversation each driving professional has to endure.
“If all I had to do was get from one place to another with someone telling me my tyres are okay and that I just need to go round again, life for this ‘real’ driver would be a piece of piss. But you get Christian Horner to ask him if he’s been busy at the beginning of every lap and see how long it is before he cracks.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport
Surrounded by security 24 hours a day, having someone else decide what you will eat, not voting in elections, being transported in armoured vehicles often with a police escort, having sex with unsightly people, menial work to pass the time and earn your weekly wage and all the tax payers’ expense have all been good practice for the future monarch.
President Obama defended hiring Rupert Murdoch as his communications officer after it emerged the US may have been hacking Angela Merkel’s phone.
President Obama had phoned the German Chancellor to discuss the issue and left a message, however she has denied receiving it. But Obama is adamant he left the message on her voicemail.
“I was shocked to hear the message I left her may not have recorded properly so I got Murdoch to check for me” Obama said.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
With the Home Office deciding not to continue using the immigration ‘go home’ vans, some Spanish resorts have shown an interest in purchasing them.
“A van with the basic message of ‘go home foreigner’ will do well here” the Mayor of Magaluf said.
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Nasa scientists today confirmed that the Earth stopped turning and orbiting the sun, and life in certain places ceased for a short while. The cause of the event, which goes against many laws of physics, is believe to be a global Facebook issues that saw people unable to update their status.
“We believe this is the first time the earth has completely stopped mid-orbit” Professor Brian Cox said.
“It seems that the inability of humans to share the most mundane of details about their lives and food also has a direct impact on the whether life on earth can function properly.”
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Filed under Uncategorized
Following the strike action carried out by many teachers in Harold yesterday, their parents have had the unwelcome news that they are to face a fine for allowing their children to take the day off school.
The fines were introduced as the government look to crack down on absences during term-time that may have an adverse affect on pupils’ education.
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Not wishing to be left behind in the daylight robbery business, British Gas has announced average price rises to its customers of 9.2%
Centrica, British Gas’s parent company said: “We regret having to increase prices, especially at this time of year, but we have very little control over external factors that help us deliver energy such as global prices of Champagne, an unstable caviar market and the ‘shareholders’ Christmas party’ venue’s payment terms of 100% up front.
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In an effort to avoid the type of democracy that throws up a coalition nobody voted for, the three main party leaders and Nick Clegg have agreed to chose the next government through a game of Candy Crush Saga.
The competition, that begun after last week’s Prime Minister’s Question will see the person on the highest level in May 2015 crowned champion of political Candy Crush and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
“Polls can vary in accuracy depending who is asked, current news items and who has kissed the most babies but Facebook apps never lie” David Cameron said.
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The village of Harold is to have all its residents trained to spot illegal immigrants in a trial to work alongside government plans to get banks, landlords and milkmen to check the status of all their customers.
Minister of State for Immigration, Mark Harper MP said: “It is good to see people taking the initiative and fighting the problem of foreigners without relying on proper border controls.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
With the trial cull of badgers over, the company charged with ‘taking the badgers out’ have asked for some more time as their marksmen were not as good as they thought.
If more badgers are to be executed then there has been a suggestion that they should be gassed, an idea that has led the council in Harold to ask for the services of an ex-Nazi officer.
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