The 2016 Grand National at Aintree ended in a triumphant victory for Tesco’s processed meat department, after the majority of meaty contenders ended up swiftly converted into delicious burger and spaghetti meals.
Following last year’s controversy surrounding the use of horse meat in Tesco products, the supermarket refocussed its marketing spend on an aggressively healthy image, in which an active lifestyle is key.
To this end, Tesco is now keen to emphasise the sporting credentials of its meat sources, especially the man-eat-horse world of National Hunt racing over jumps. Especially races like the Grand National, where most horses die for our sporting pleasure like innocents thrown to lions in a Roman arena, only with more barbecue sauce.
This year’s Grand National saw a convincing victory for the highly-fancied Spicy Meatball (by Nugget out of Burger), with second place going to the much-improved Cottage Pie, who previously struggled over the fences.
In a surprise turn of events, a dinner service from Tesco has been delivered in nearly 50 porcine rectums.
Normally, excess packaging wouldn’t warrant widespread reporting, but the porky bumhole nature of these parcels brought them to everyone’s attention.
London couple David and Samantha Cameron ordered the plates and slightly smaller plates from the low-budget supermarket, in an attempt to woo working class guests.
“When the little lorry turned up, I was quite surprised to find a side plate wrapped in a still-warm colon”, said Samantha. “But I thought to myself ‘I suppose this is what happens if you don’t order from Selfridges’, and carried on unwrapping.”
Filling, and relatively non-toxic.
A robust meat product that can survive the human digestion system intact has been launched by supermarket giant Tesco.
“Until now, our range of ‘pastry and knees’ snacks have been pretty difficult to digest”, said head of food impersonation Liam Clough.
“So it was just a case of mastering a slightly more acid-resistant glaze, and stream-lining them to get through the tricky bends of the lower intestine.”
Elderly shop assistant Elsie Duggan had the shock of her life yesterday when she discovered a family of illegal migrants hidden in a crate of bananas.
“Oooh it was horrible,” she said, still trembling at the memory. “Almost as soon as I ripped open the case, they started to force their way out and scattered to all corners. There were loads of them. I’m amazed that they could move so fast after being cooped up in there so long. There were arms and legs everywhere!” Continue reading
Paying for potential
Fresh from finally securing the transfer of Raheem Sterling from Liverpool, Manchester City have agreed to pay Tesco £2.75m for a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch.
City’s expert negotiators stopped off at a Tesco Express after a hard day thrashing out just how far over the odds they would pay for Sterling, and picked up the crisps. After a brief conversation with the store manager they agreed to hand over £2.75m, with a further £500k subject to appearances, for the pickled onion flavoured snack, which has a retail price of just 60p. Continue reading
Following a disastrous loss of over £6bn, Tesco could face being nationalised by the chancellor.
George Osborne insisted that the store was ‘too big to fail’, particularly in towns where the ‘scum’ might end up in Waitrose.
“If there’s an Asda down the road, then it’s hardly a problem”, said Osborne. “There’s plenty of room for more of the little people in there.”
“But what if they neighbour a Booths, Marks and Spencers, or Waitrose? Let me assure you, I won’t let them eat brioche.”
I don’t care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you’re not coming in
Supermarket chain Waitrose have introduced bouncers onto the doors of their Leighton Buzzard store in an attempt to ensure that only ‘the right sort of person’ shops there.
The trial, which if successful will be extended to all Waitrose stores, is aiming to provide traditional Waitrose customers with a more pleasant shopping experience, and is based around a ‘think 25’ policy. If the bouncers suspect that a customer earns less than £40k a year they will refuse them entry unless they can prove that they earn more than £25k. Continue reading
The moment of realisation
Only minutes after his triumphant keynote speech, Ed Miliband was in trouble again after not realising that Labour shared auditors with troubled supermarket giant Tesco.
Intending to underline the credibility of the spending plans, the gaffe prone leader managed to strike them through by revealing that Labour had used the same accountancy firm as Tesco, who owned up to a £250 million black hole in their profit statement.
The beleaguered leader made his latest cock up during an interview with Andrew Neil.
Tesco have announced they are going to call in Prof. Brian Cox to investigate the appearance of a financial black hole in their finances.
He will be asked to explain in a ‘complicated physics’ way how £250m has seemingly disappeared from its profits forecast.
Speaking of the upcoming investigation, Tesco chief executive said: “It is important we explain how this black hole has occurred, and no one can make people pretend they understand black holes like Brian Cox.
Mmm, politics can be so delicious
First there was strawmurrays, a harmless renaming of strawberries as a gesture of support for Andy Murray during Wimbledon. Now, Tesco has made a controversial attempt to jump on the being twee with food names bandwagon by renaming its fresh and smoked salmon, Alex Salmond. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Very little help.
In an effort to win back market share from budget brand shops, Tesco are taking on Aldi by buying up a range of charity food banks.
With Sainsburys relaunching Netto, Tesco are keen to compete in the shame end of the market. “We’re talking abject humiliation here, not the mild embarrassment of our long-standing ‘Value’ range.”
“We thought of bringing back Happy Shopper, I certainly remember being bullied for having their crisps in my school lunch box”, said Tesco director Alan Soylent. “But our research shows that ‘food banks’ are currently dominating the downtrodden sector. Shame is very marketable at the moment.”
Cake and biscuits can also be used to slow scooters down.
Tesco has announced a range of mobility scooter calming measures, including speed bumps placed at regular intervals in the aisles.
Analysts have linked Tesco’s fall in profits with last year’s purchase of a Sunset Freedom Anklebain by Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. Draped in rain gear and cackling manically as she careers around the store while high on Sanatogen, some shoppers are so desperate they’re even taking their chances in Lidl.
Store manager Paul Watts hopes to restore some civility to his store, and the speed bumps are just one part of a strategy to get Doris to ‘Slow the Hell Down’.
The competition commission has warned Tesco to stop selling it’s suppliers’ souls for less than cost price.
The warning comes as more and more small and local suppliers who have spent hundreds of years selling their wares to local independent shops sell their souls to the supermarket giant.
One local brewery explained: “We used to sell good quality beer to retailers that knew what they were on about. We put our heart and soul into it.”
“But when the big boys come looking to buy a few more bottles but without the heart bit and even the beer part being optional, who can resist.”
Tesco have this morning announced a 6% fall in annual profits. They have explained to shareholders that the only reason for the fall is they have spent the last 12 months using the actual ingredients printed on packets.
“A year on from ‘lasagne-gate’ we are now required to use real beef in beef products, not the latest casualty of the 3:15 at Ascot,” said Philip Clarke, Tesco PLC’s Chief Executive.
“But that’s not all. Customers expectation are much higher than in previous years so all of our range has become more truthful, and that costs money. Continue reading
Filed under Business, News
We did find the ‘Samaritans’ logo but we really like them and couldn’t resist the irony of: ‘Tesco, Charity & Trust’
A recent Government announcement means a big shake up for all UK charities. “As a Conservative I detest the public sector as an article of faith but I loathe ‘something for nothing’ even more.” says charities minister Nick Hurd “So we’re nationalising bigger charities, before selling them on to friends, and generally buggering about with the rest. Sorry? Because we can, that’s why.”
Sadly, not all charities are easily monetised and Hurd cites Samaritans as the worst offender in this respect. “It’s almost as if the last thirty years of management analysis had simply passed them by. Basically they’re still just talking with people, which is plain daft and very labour-intensive”. Continue reading
Visitors can earn Clubcard points just by staring at the monstrosity.
Lawyers for Tesco are celebrating a famous victory, after successfully imposing a massive superstore on a model village.
‘Lillyharold’, a miniature village filled with tudor cottages, duck ponds and a perfectly-to-scale plague pit, has delighted visitors for over 50 years.
But now tourists are finding themselves drawn to a monstrous glass-and-steel carbuncle, stifling interest in the nearby greengrocers, butchers and turn-of-the-century phone shop.
Capability Evans has tended Lillyharold for the past 25 years, and is devastated by the effect the small enormous Tesco has had.
I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one
Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas presents this morning.
Many people hit on the idea of returning their local MP along with the new jumper that is several sizes too small, but stores are refusing to refund or even exchange politicians as they claim it is “not their place to do so”. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Device can also be used to destroy local businesses.
Tesco have responded to Amazon’s announcement that they are looking to use unmanned drones to make deliveries by revealing their own new delivery system, a series of giant catapults.
“Amazon’s plans to use unmanned drones need so much to fall their way that this is clearly just a publicity stunt.” said Philip Clarke, CEO of Tesco plc, “They are targeting 2018 for their ‘drone deliveries’ but for that to happen not only do they need significant changes in legislation, they also need huge progress in the technology involved. The technology behind our giant catapult system has been around for centuries, and as far as I know there are no laws against launching groceries through the air.” Continue reading
Discount supermarket, Aldi, has announced its plan to get customers in and out as quickly as possible in the run up to Christmas. From Thursday stores will employ sheepdogs to herd people around the stores and to the tills.
“We often see an increase in customers this time of year, and many are here for first time,” joint chief executive, Matthew Barnes said.
“We make no money from people standing around in the aisles or taking time to read the ingredients, so we have partially trained Bull Terriers to herd them round as quickly as possible.