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Tesco launch ‘Pasty for Life’


Filling, and relatively non-toxic.

A robust meat product that can survive the human digestion system intact has been launched by supermarket giant Tesco.

“Until now, our range of ‘pastry and knees’ snacks have been pretty difficult to digest”, said head of food impersonation Liam Clough.

“So it was just a case of mastering a slightly more acid-resistant glaze, and stream-lining them to get through the tricky bends of the lower intestine.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Food

Dementia sufferer charged for wasting police time then tagged


Not as daft as she looks?

An elderly lady has been charged with wasting police time after she apparently became disorientated on a routine shopping trip.

Police were called out after Elsie Duggan, 86, became lost on her way back from a visit to the Tesco Express after appearing confused at the checkout. After a search, she was found sitting on a bench near the war memorial.

“It is true that we have charged an elderly woman with wasting police time,” said PC Anita Flegg defending police actions. “Were supposed to do exciting things like driving fast patrol cars and chasing international villains – not spend our time looking for lost cats or rescuing senile pensioners from trees. Do you know how much it costs to call out a police helicopter these days?”

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Filed under Around Harold, News