Tesco launch ‘Pasty for Life’


Filling, and relatively non-toxic.

A robust meat product that can survive the human digestion system intact has been launched by supermarket giant Tesco.

“Until now, our range of ‘pastry and knees’ snacks have been pretty difficult to digest”, said head of food impersonation Liam Clough.

“So it was just a case of mastering a slightly more acid-resistant glaze, and stream-lining them to get through the tricky bends of the lower intestine.”

Once the pasty has completed its journey, it can be rinsed under the tap and saved for later.

Clough insists the treat is ‘delicious hot or cold’, but recommends letting it at least cool down a bit after retrieval, before serving it to guests.

The new pasty should cut down on waste: half-digested near-pies and ‘pseudo slices’ have been found stuck in sea birds and otters for a number of years now.

Far from being nutritionally neutral, each pasty actually has a negative salt content. “That takes into account the amount of sweating caused by the ‘final push'”, beamed Clough.

Sadly, Clough admitted that theft has become a problem, so they now bake a delicious tag in the centre of each one.

“There is the odd false alarm; a chap we caught this morning claimed it was a reusable family lasagne he’d eaten this morning. But if I’m honest, I thought that was a little hard to swallow.”

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