“oopsie.”
Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has been greeted as a ‘true European’, after entirely ignoring the will of his people.
Despite a referendum vote to reject a punitive settlement, Tsipras agreed to a more punitive one so that some Germans would like him.
“This is exactly what the European Union is all about”, said EU president Claude Juncker. “We ask the people, and then we listen to the banks.”
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Following a disastrous loss of over £6bn, Tesco could face being nationalised by the chancellor.
George Osborne insisted that the store was ‘too big to fail’, particularly in towns where the ‘scum’ might end up in Waitrose.
“If there’s an Asda down the road, then it’s hardly a problem”, said Osborne. “There’s plenty of room for more of the little people in there.”
“But what if they neighbour a Booths, Marks and Spencers, or Waitrose? Let me assure you, I won’t let them eat brioche.”
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NHS England has announced it is to reinvent itself as a bank in order to secure the levels of government funding it needs to provide adequate healthcare and properly paid staff by means of a multibillion pound bailout.
The news comes on the back of strikes by nursing staff who have had their pay frozen, and as NHS England report it could have a funding shortfall of £2bn.
“We have made savings of nearly £20bn” it said in a statement, “but are currently unable to afford some treatment for illnesses such as cancer, heart disease or MPs’ memory loss.
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