Osborne ‘bailout’ for Tesco ‘will keep riffraff out of Waitrose’

Following a disastrous loss of over £6bn, Tesco could face being nationalised by the chancellor.

George Osborne insisted that the store was ‘too big to fail’, particularly in towns where the ‘scum’ might end up in Waitrose.

“If there’s an Asda down the road, then it’s hardly a problem”, said Osborne. “There’s plenty of room for more of the little people in there.”

“But what if they neighbour a Booths, Marks and Spencers, or Waitrose? Let me assure you, I won’t let them eat brioche.”

A nationalised Tesco would see the return of a budget range, with highly distinctive, blue, stripey packaging.

“If you’re a peasant with anything nice in your cupboard, that’ll help our kitchen inspectors to spot it”, Osborne revealed.

“There won’t be any excuse if you live on a council estate, and we find you with something that isn’t branded ‘Unvalued’.”