Tag Archives: Harold

Family hospitalised as infectious yawn loop takes hold during ‘Les Miserables’.

yawning-childThe Nolan family from Harold are recovering in Dunstable General Infirmary today after a quiet evening in front of the telly almost turned to tragedy. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Health, idiots, Medicine, News

Lashes welcomed for man who ordered red wine in a pub

Bloody hipsters.

Bloody hipsters.

A man who attempted to acquire a glass of red wine in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been barred for a year, and given a verbal lashing by the landlord.

Mick Clarkson knew the rules when he entered the snug, but felt emboldened after reading an article on ‘creeping gentrification’.

“I’m on some tablets at the moment and the doctor said I mustn’t drink with them”, explained Clarkson. “But wine’s not really drinking, is it? It’s more or less runny jam.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Culture

Harold’s last traditional Wind Farm faces closure as wind prices hit all time low.

British Wind for British People

British Wind for British People

There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.

Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, environment, Farming, Nature, Technology, Uncategorized

Local landlord to use quantitative easing to pay tax bill

image Local businessman Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of The Squirrel Lickers Arms, Harold, has said he will pay his upcoming tax bill through a round of quantitative easing (QE).

In a statement on the pub’s Facebook page, Eddie explained that although German beers were doing very well, poor sales of the Greek Kofta and the Portuguese ‘Ronaldo spit roast’ meant the pubs growth was static.

“In light of those figures, We have decided to make our own money and use that to pay HMRC,” the statement said.

“This may seem like we are just making life easier by making our own money instead of dealing with the underlying issues, but this move is actually massive benefit for everyone involved. Unfortunately we have no idea why that is, but if we say it enough times you may just start believing us.”

Among the critics of the move was Lionel Garage, leader of the Harold Independence Party.

“It’s fine if the taxman is willing to accept it, but the thought of just printing money to sort your cash flow out seems too good to be true,” Garage said.

“Like the time he offered free pork scratchings with every pint at the same time his psoriasis flared up.”

Despite the criticism that this may be immoral, Eddie said that it will actually help put money back into the community, specifically within the art world.

“My printer’s run out of ink so I’m looking for someone who can draw a really good queen.”

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Filed under Business, News, Politics

Advertising Feature

For years, men have been complaining about getting that nasty, white, sticky stuff all over their fingers during those all too frequent ‘do it yourself’ sessions.

Manhandling that flexible tube all on their own has left generations frustrated, sore and dissatisfied with the finish.

Easter wouldn't be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. Right Jesus?

Well worry no more because Harold based company Inspirational Enterprises are launching a brand new product that will make your solo projects much more satisfying, rewarding and will always produce a happy ending.

Introducing ‘No More No More Nails’.

No More No More Nails is an innovative new system for fixing things to other things. Instead of using messy adhesives that inevitably get on your clothes, the carpet, your wife’s hair and even on really tough days, the cat, in fact everywhere except where you need it to go, No More No More Nails enables you to precisely position things so they go where they’re meant to go and then stay there for as long as they’re meant to stay there.

Made from the highest quality round, stiff metal wire, No More No More Nails is easy to handle and will leave no sticky residue.

Using the patented ‘one flat end and one pointy end’ technology, No More No More Nails can be used with minimal training by even the most inept of home workmen. The No More No More Nails system is so easy to master, heavens!, even a woman could do it.

No More No More Nails is available now with a bag of 2000 pieces costing just £9.99.

Stop!

Stop!

Not only that but for a limited time, there is an introductory offer which includes a further 4000 pieces at no extra cost. plus, buy before the end of January and you will also get this handy No More No More Nails applicator absolutely FREE.

No more sticky fingers. No More No More Nails. That’s nailed it!

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Filed under Advertisments, Badgers, Business, Easter, Lifestyle, science, Technology, Uncategorized

City Link collapse ‘good in parts’ says Harold Curate

bmwonbeach

For some unknown reason Andy’s last BMW rusted badly

St Paul’s deputy priest-in-charge is delighted with the new motorcycle he recently picked up from City Link’s local depot.

“My old bike was very corroded but I couldn’t claim under BMW warranty just because I’d got it free when it washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.”

Curate Andy heard people could collect parcels from the bankrupt courier company, hitched a lift to Dunstable and was first in the queue on Monday morning. “I didn’t want to go in on the sabbath Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, News, Religion

Cat owners open gardens for public defecation

I'd give it 5 minutes if I were you

“I’d give it five minutes. Make that ten”

Residents of the village of Harold are celebrating the introduction of an ancient bylaw forcing cat owners to open up their gardens for the general public to defecate in.

This delightful community event owes its success to many hours work by local police officer P.C Anita Flegg. It’s no free for all though, gardens must be open to the public between 9.00am and 6.30pm every second Sunday of the month, with cat owners obliged to provide tea, cake and wet wipes to all visitors.

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News, Uncategorized

Estate agents criticised for describing demon’s anus as ‘deceptive cottage’

cave

Property boasts ample parking and a regular outpouring of foul doings.

An estate agents in Harold has been widely criticised by consumer groups for advertising a demon’s anus as a ‘family home’.

Muggins and Traptear, Harold’s second least-hated  property sales firm, described the foul outlet of a devil’s spawn as ‘deceptively roomy’. George Evans immediately asked for a viewing.

“I could barely afford the mortgage but I thought I’d seen through their ruse”, he explained. “The word ‘deceptive’ added a frisson of excitement. ‘Is that something successful people look for in a home?’  ‘Should I get in first?’ I was left wondering all the way home. But what I should have asked myself was ‘what is it really?'”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy

Make up counter girl to Clown is natural evolution

test card

A make-up girl experiments with genetic modification.

After a 50 year quest, scientists have finally unravelled the bizarre origins of Clowns.

Love them or fear them, with their bright red noses and funny fall down trousers, Clowns are woven into our society. Since the first recorded sighting of a Clown in 1954 they have multiplied exponentially in number, and can be found everywhere from children’s parties, to younger children’s parties.

Geneticists studying Clowns have confirmed they are one of the strangest abnormalities in the animal kingdom with the first complete analysis of its fully decoded genome.

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Filed under Fashion, science

England fans despair as team vows ‘we’ll meet all expectations’

despondency

“And then, after the penalties, I usually slump my shoulders like this”

At a press briefing at Luton Airport on Sunday, Roy Hodgson confirmed younger England players are being taken to the World Cup primarily to get used to losing.

”Some have lost with their clubs at home and at European level: now they must do so on the World stage if they want to earn a long-term England place.”

Sadly, others are still hungry for success “You can see it in their eyes: they positively radiate passion, belief and hope. And it’s my job, together with Stevie [team captain, Gerrard], to snuff that out.” Continue reading

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Filed under 1966, News, Sport, World Cup

Harold Weed Exhibition ‘just flower show in wrong place’

dandelionA controversial weed exhibition on the outskirts of Harold has been branded ‘misleading’ by visitors.

With many expecting to discover a rebellious display of cannabis plants, hippies and Arthritis sufferers alike were left disappointed after following signposts.

“The one outside the post office was definitely pointing left”, said one rotund outsider in a frankly awful, rainbow-coloured jumper and straggly pony tail scraped across his balding pate. “I’m standing right here, I can read what you’re writing”, he said angrily. “you’re exhibiting prejudice against people who suffer joint pain.”

Despite a string of inaccurate and obtuse posters giving hints to several places where the weed show wasn’t, some visitors eventually found a flower show in the pointy room above the church.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment

North Korean restaurant fails to make World ‘top 50’ list despite 99.9% customer satisfaction

Zhou prepares his signature dish 'Rice'

Zhou prepares his signature dish ‘Rice’

A restaurant specialising in North Korean cuisine reacted furiously to being left out of the World ‘top 50’ list despite consistently recording customer satisfaction ratings in excess of 99.9%.

Dave Zhou, supreme proprietor of ‘the 38th Parallel’ in the sleepy village of Harold, told reporters that the World ‘top 50’ snub showed that the Judges were mere prawns in the Western Capitalist Pig Dog Global Conspiracy before clarifying to a hungry member of the press that yes, he did in fact take American Express.

Zhou, who is well known for his signature, and in fact only, dish ‘Rice’, said the Judges had failed to appreciate his ground breaking fusion technique: “I just pound the rice and cook it for a few minutes longer than usual and it all sticks together.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Food

Met office to forecast your future

Michael PiscesNational weather guessrs the Met Office are branching out into a new variety of forecasting. Starting next week they’ll be watching the sky maps to provide us with daily horoscopes.

It’s an open secret that some of the nation’s best known weather broadcasters are keen astrologists with Michale ‘Fickle’ Fish and Ian ‘Mystic Mac’ McCaskill famed for their powers of foresight.

We managed to speak to top weatherist Carol Kirkwood offa the BBC, and she gave us a sneak preview of what we can expect “With temperatures soaring in middle England this week, Libras in the Harold area may begin to feel the heat. You will be tempted to pull a sickie and sunbathe, but be carefully optimistically cautious about complications this may cause around money.

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Filed under News, Weather

Harold Dog Rescue needs more dogs. Can you help?

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Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available

Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.

“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Law and Order, News, Pets

‘Unfair criticism drove me to tears’ sobs Ofsted chief

roach

Wilshire now routinely wears a heavy disguise to reduce his unpopularity

Teachers’ leaders expressed support today for Sir Michael Wilshire, the embattled boss of Ofsted. Wilshire has recently been briefed against by zealous acolytes of pasty-faced Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove.

“It’s not like criticising someone relentlessly is going to make them do a better job, is it?”  Wilshire had demanded tearfully of a clearly embarrassed BBC interviewer Bill Turnbull on this morning’s ‘Breakfast’ show “Where’s the fairness in that?” he snuffled from behind a hankie “Everyone will think I’m a clown”. Continue reading

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Feature: 6 reasons 90s Harold was so much better than today.

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“Kids these days, huh” and “it wasn’t like that in my day”, these are just some of the phrases wheeled out at the first sign someone is getting old and showing symptoms of envy at the younger generation. But seriously, Harold isn’t like it was in our day, and kids these days have no respect. To prove the point, here is a list of 6 reasons ’90s Harold was much better than it is today.

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Filed under Entertainment

Mensa open up membership to highly attractive simpletons

mensalogoIn a move variously stated as being ‘inclusive’ or ‘desperate’, Mensa announced the creation of an associate member category called ‘Lensa’ based on looks rather than IQ. The new Lensa category is open to people who are in the 98th percentile of physical attractiveness regardless of whether they can recite Pi to 10 places or not.

Mensa spokesman Ethan Evans from Harold said that opening up membership was necessary to address the problem that none of the existing members were getting it on with each other.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Dating

‘Win-win’ as clinic offers man-boob removal and female breast enlargement

sexy brenda

Eddie’s moobs found a good home with Brenda

A local plastic surgery clinic has gained worldwide attention for its novel idea of offering both man boob removals and female breast enlargements. The clinic run by Harold doctor Clive Evans has already conducted man boob transplants for over 100 happy customers, and is a finalist in the UK Innovation Awards.

Like all good ideas, it seems surprising that nobody thought of moob transplants before. Dr Evans said he had his “eureka” moment when he and ex-wife Sally were on holiday in Marbella and they saw all the buff men and buxom women on the beach. “Sally said we have got things the wrong way round – she was flat-chested and I had double D cups” said Dr Evans. “So I said why don’t we swap?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Health, Medicine

Thatcher Halloween flight-path looks set to give Harold sky-watchers a treat

witchy thatch

Heseltine criticised the witch for buying an American broom.

With confirmation that the late Baroness Thatcher’s ‘Halloween Fly-By’ route will pass directly over Harold on Thursday, local astronomers have every chance of an excellent view of the comet-like phenomenon.

The former PM’s icy skeleton said she’s ‘really looking forward to dusting off the old broomstick and heading up North to scare the living daylights out of Arthur Scargill.’

She is due to depart Gatwick Airport at 1900 hours, regardless of the weather, flying directly over Harold before arriving in the Barnsley area around midnight. A defiant Scargill tweeted ‘Ooh, see me quaking in me pit boots, pet.’
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Filed under Entertainment, Travel, Weather

Wet weather ‘linked to vaping’ claims local man

vaper

Way cooler than smoke rings.

The current spate of early morning mists, turning foggy later, followed by torrential downpours across much of Britain is directly proportional to the recent upsurge in the number of people vaping.  That was the stark warning today from Harold’s newest resident, ‘observational climatologist’ Mike Anderson.

Mike spends his day ‘hanging round and commenting on the weather’.  He is the author of ‘British Weather, An Introduction’ and his latest research centres round a noticeable increase in the number of people vaping, measured against general wetness.  ‘It is just a theory at this stage,’ he said, ‘but so was Higgs boson.’
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Filed under Health, Lifestyle, Weather