Way cooler than smoke rings.
The current spate of early morning mists, turning foggy later, followed by torrential downpours across much of Britain is directly proportional to the recent upsurge in the number of people vaping. That was the stark warning today from Harold’s newest resident, ‘observational climatologist’ Mike Anderson.
Mike spends his day ‘hanging round and commenting on the weather’. He is the author of ‘British Weather, An Introduction’ and his latest research centres round a noticeable increase in the number of people vaping, measured against general wetness. ‘It is just a theory at this stage,’ he said, ‘but so was Higgs boson.’
Mike met up with a group of vaping enthusiasts at their designated vaping table in the back corner of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms to discuss the threat to global weather patterns caused by several billion people vaping simultaneously. ‘You’re talking about rain that makes a monsoon look like a garden sprinkler,’ said Mike, ‘like being on holiday in Wales.’
The group were not entirely convinced that Mike had established a proper causal link between vaping and the global climate with any degree of scientific certainty, despite Mike pointing out the condensation running down the window behind their table and citing the increase in sales of portable dehumidifiers on Amazon. ‘As well as inflicting wet weather on others,’ he added, taking another reading on his hygrometer, ‘you’re also doing yourselves harm because you’re just not getting the fresh air and exercise you used to get as smokers.’
Eventually, at half-time in the match they were watching, Eddie the landlord took Mike aside and politely explained to him about the Squirrel’s zero-tolerance policy towards anti-vapism and that if he didn’t shut the fuck up during the second half, he’d be out in the rain, fact.
Vaping’s a new one on me. But I’m glad there’s some explanation for the copious quantities of rain we ‘enjoy’ here. Knew there had to be a reason. ;)x
Having been a vaper for 2 long years, I’ve decided that now is the time to go back to smoking tobacco … yes, Trinidad and tobacco is the only destination for me from now on in.
Like Mike, I’ve discovered that the copious amounts of water ejected from vaping devices are nothing but a menace to society. My “dry stain dyke” is now completely and utterly fucked, and that can only be explained by the water from 2 years of solid vaping on my part. I do apologise for any inconvenience caused to any goats that have lost their footing due to my idiotic behaviour.
Since this discovery (thanks to Mike and Linda McAvan), I will now only vape within the confines of my own bathroom – water cannot possibly affect water after all. At all other times, I’ll only smoke tobacco – it’s good for the dry stain dykes – it could only stain them yellow at worst. My lungs, however, will probably end up totally fucked – just the way Linda wants them to be, so that she and her Big Pharma friends can cash in on “curing” me of the illness that was of course “all my fault”.
I do however hear that Mike need not worry any longer – There is a group out there who have done no research whatsoever – and that is good research apparently – they are called the MHRA – Mega Hydrology Rectification Authority – and they know how to fix all problems regarding Water vapour. In their infinite wisdom, they intend to take control of all such devices and render them completely useless, and “that will fix it”.
Linda McAvan answered the question which nobody asked, by saying “I beleeve the MRHA have got it write on this won – they have dun the reserch and it cannet be qusteioned that they can fix it. Soon we will have all dry stain dykes sorted at the expense of the Big Tobacco companys that fucked them in the first place. We no this for we told you so in the furst place. Yous vapers have cosed us a lot of damage and yous will pay for it by us putting up your water rates to complicate us for our losses. We will aslo ban yous from using such devices, but its not a ban really cos we refuse to call it a ban – we will just get the MRHA to tell yous that yous canny yous them any more cos they are no good.”.
She went on ….. “Yes, I no that amendment 170 was adopted by some clowns in the Uropeen Parlament, but that dusny apply here, and I’m gonna tell them where to shuv it and do the rite thing by the dry stain dykers of this country which I own. Furthermare, I’m gonna twat about it on twitter and make shure that you all know about the good that I’m doing on your behaf.”.
Well done Linda I say – We are all delighted that you take such things seriously. Now will you just answer us one question please? WHO THE FUCK SO YOU THINK YOU ARE ???