Are spiders the new ‘super food’?

What are you looking at?

One of your eight a day.

Harold’s top faddist has found a new way to live longer, after munching her way through a new range of spiders.

Pippa Delaney claims that spiders contain a substance called ‘arachnodelica’, which can free radicals and either raise or lower lipids, depending on which is better.

“Spiders are nature’s pipe cleaners, so they’re good for the throat”, claimed Delaney. “But only if you don’t cook them first.”
Eaten raw, even a small spider can add a few minutes to your life, claimed the self-styled ‘qualified nutritionist’.
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Comet lander wakes up screaming after 7-month nightmare

philae

Philae comforts itself pretending its a dishwasher in Surrey.

Philae, a probe that lays abandoned on a comet, has woken up drenched in sweat and feeling clammy.

After screaming itself to sleep just over 7 months ago, the lander awoke to find that it wasn’t all just a dream.

“Now that the batteries are charged, Philae can talk to us again”, said Hans Beckendorf of the European Space Agency. “And the first thing it said was ‘Fking fk fk, where the fking f**k am I?’.”

“It turns out that in space, someone can hear you scream.”
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Filed under science, Technology

Cricket fan insists on finishing sex under Duckworth-Lewis method

Duckworth-LewisA cricket fan’s marriage is on the rocks after his continued insistence on ending sex under the Duckworth-Lewis method.

When it came to matters of an intimate nature, Harold car dealer and local councillor Ron Ronsson would always insist he’d won the toss and choose to go first, according to divorce papers filed in Dunstable County Court.

The affidavit from Ronsson’s wife Yvonne said Ron was obsessed by cricket, especially the 20/20 format, and he would conduct his love making in the same high octane manner shouting ‘four!’, ‘six!!’, or ‘that’s a huge one !!!’ after each stroke.
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport

Harold Mayor ‘outed as white’ by his own family

Minstrel

Rufus D Jackson in his mayoral robes

Harold Mayor and one time US movie star Rufus D. Jackson has been ‘outed’ as a white man by his parents.

Derek & Rita Jackson wrote to The Evening Harold from their home in South Yorkshire, alleging that Rufus has been falsely portraying himself as black for many years.

We spoke with Derek, a retired duck farmer, and Rita, a former nursery nurse. They told us that Rufus was born Richard Derek Jackson, and began blacking up in 1972 in order to break into the blaxplotation film industry. Rufus enjoyed a successful movie carer, staring in many films including Black Knuckle Sandwich, Black Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and Black Fruit Punch, before returning to the UK to pursue his love of local politics.

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EH Quiz: Have I just been knighted or made a dame?

knighthood_2102973iThe Queen’s birthday honours list can be confusing. With so many names and different gongs being handed out it’s hard to keep track of who’s got what. So here’s our guide to determining if you’re one of the lucky ones who now has to shog off to the palace and not flinch when an old woman comes at them with a blade.

  1. Premier Inns are:

a) fuck huts for proles.
b) pretty good for the price.
c) the single greatest achievement in human history. Continue reading

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Elizabeth Hurley named as Britain’s national bird

Look at the beak on that!

Look at the beak on that!

The news that Elizabeth Hurley has been named by readers of the Daily Telegraph as Britain’s favourite bird has been greeted with delight by the nation’s bird fanciers.

The much loved Hurley is a common sight in our gardens and is easily identified by her prominent orange breast, often referred to as ‘that plumage’ by aficionados.  She is highly territorial and can often be spotted begging for worms near gardeners who are doing a bit of digging. Continue reading

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Business as usual for Christopher Lee following his un-death

Fangs for the memory ...

Fangs for the memory …

The inconvenience of death will not interrupt the amazing career of Christopher Lee who, according to his agent, was signed up to star in a Zombie blockbuster movie only moments after the announcement of his undeath from supernatural causes.

“For many actors, stepping over to the other side is something of a setback to their career, but for Christopher, it will be business as usual,” said his agent Morticia De’ath. “The offers have been flooding in since news of his demise came through.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Obituary

E-cigarettes ‘could make you look like a bell-end’ warn scientists

There's something wrong with your pen

There’s something wrong with your pen mate

With e-cigarettes in the spotlight amid a potential ban in Wales, scientists have warned that using the devices can make you look like a bell-end.
“Most debate focusses around the relative health benefits compared to regular cigarettes”, explained Doctor Adam Wale, Professor of self-image at the University of Exeter, “But we do not yet fully understand the long-term risks associated with making yourself look like a bell-end by essentially smoking a pen.”
“This is an issue that can stay with you forever, especially if you are photographed with your device as a permanent reminder of just how ridiculous you look.”

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Naked climber accused of causing earthquake denies fracking

"So, our customs override their traditions, right?"

“So, our customs override their traditions, right?”

Eleanor Hawkins, the British backpacker accused of causing an earthquake by stripping off at the summit of a sacred mountain, has denied she or any of her fellow naked tourists engaged in any fracking activities.

Speaking from her cell in a Malaysian jail, the 26 year old, “I admit we took off our clothes for a group selfie, and I admit that we all urinated on the mountain. But wouldn’t anybody if they found that their leader had jokingly replaced the drinking water with champagne?” she asked defiantly. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, Travel

Luxor hotel, Vegas to feature ‘fun’ suicide bombers

Luxor

‘Like being abroad, but more real.’

Las Vegas is planning to make the Luxor casino resort ‘even more Egypty’, by dressing some staff as terrorists.

Renowned for its eye for historic detail, the Pyramid-inspired hotel will soon ring to the sound of small ‘entertainment explosions’.

“We know that Americans are fascinated by Egypt, just enough to drive to the desert and gawp at a fibre-glass sphinx”, said manager Chuck Kowalski.

“But a few have complained that it isn’t authentic, and that there aren’t enough terrorists for them to have a pop at.”

Kowalski blames the internet for leaking news of the ‘real Egypt’ into the conscious of America, but sees desperate suicide bombers as an opportunity, rather than a threat.

“All our staff are paid equity and we provide them with medical insurance, as well as some pretty good bullet-proof vests.”

“Why not empty a clip into the chest of a young man dressed as a terrorist?”, asked Kowalski, “and then brag about it afterwards, over a talibanana daiquiri in the Muslim Brotherhood bar?”
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Springwatch crippled blackbird ‘to improve show’s diversity’

blackbird

Hobbly the Blackbird has already spawned his own merchandise.

An intern on popular wildlife show ‘Springwatch’ has revealed how she was forced to maim a songbird to meet BBC diversity targets.

Hayley Swank was ordered to ‘blunt its beak, or pull a wing off or something’ by an Inclusiveness Director on the programme.

“I asked if I could just give one of its legs a chinese burn”, said Swank. “But they told me I was being racist.”

Instead, Swank pulled a couple of feathers out and fed it a heavy pie, so that on camera at least, it appeared just disabled enough to not offend the audience.
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Multimillionaire Kate Moss kicked off easyJet flight for crapping on poor people’s dreams

kate-moss-by-alasdair-mclellan-for-another-magazine-fall-winter-2014-2015-2 Kate Moss was yesterday escorted off an easyJet flight from Bodrum to Luton by police on the grounds that she had “no business travelling like a poor.”

Bedfordshire Police confirmed in a statement that Moss, whose wealth is estimated at around fifty-five million pounds, had been taken off the flight and provisionally cautioned under the 2005 It Just Winds People Up When You Slum It Act which is aimed at keeping the insanely wealthy out of spaces normally occupied by the mostly skint. Continue reading

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Ferris Bueller spotted emptying local dog poo bins

bueller

“Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”

Notorious skiver Ferris Bueller has spoken of his truancy regrets, now that he’s trapped in a dead-end job in Harold.

Despite a privileged upbringing and an above-average IQ, Bueller preferred to spend his schooldays ruining Italian cars and singing Liverpudlian songs in the traffic.

When his parents moved to England, Bueller’s ‘illness’ was cured by the NHS, but he continued to fake his way through the education system.
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How will PM point at a fish this year? Nation consumed by suspense

Camerons in Aljezur

2013: The classic point-with-the-left-wife-on-the-right combination

web-cam-fish-getty

2014: Mixing it up with a right-hand point and left-hand wife

As the temperature rises and thoughts turn to holidays there is just one question on everyone’s lips: while posing for a chillaxed photo in Cornwall or Ibiza this year, will Dave point at a fish with his left hand or with his right?

“I can’t sleep, I’m so excited,” said Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson. “Left or right? Samantha looking bored as hell or Samantha looking disconcertingly submissive? I have to know.” Continue reading

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Harold’s oldest pig accidentally served at own birthday

pig

Boris was well received.

A Wessex Saddleback pig from Harold was better received than expected at his ‘Oldest Pig’ ceremony, after a catering mix-up caused him to feature in his own vol-au-vents.

‘Boris’, a 37 year-old hog with gout and high cholesterol, was celebrated in the Harold village hall last Tuesday.

Despite health and safety preventing his appearance in person, it now seems most of him did show up. Only his tail and lips are yet to be accounted for.

Many of those present didn’t realise quite how much they appreciated Boris, until a communal pork pie repeated on them late on Thursday.
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Filed under Around Harold, Society

Couple arrested for ‘disappointing public sex act’

couple

Not even slightly convincing.

A visitor to Harold who was thought to be performing a sex act on her boyfriend when she was in fact just waking him up, has been arrested for leading the village on.

Lou-Anne Buck told PC Flegg “the rules in Harold are bizarre”,
after being detained next to the village bandstand with her boyfriend Barry Marston in her grasp.

Music fans, including children, gathered to watch as the pair appeared to get it on. Witness Kevin Smith was so aroused that he even filmed the couple on his mobile phone.
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Dwile Flonking Executive to make doping compulsory

dwile

Definitely on something.

Officials at the Harold World Dwile Flonking Association have voted unanimously for drugs.

In a competitive sports environment dominated by corruption and cheating, Dwile Flonking has struggled for media attention compared with other daft sports, such as running.

But while some expressed concerns for the safety of competitors, the committee came to the conclusion that pharmaceuticals would make dwile flonking ‘funnier’.

“Whether it’s hayfever tablets or hippy crack, you’d better be on something”, said Head of Flonking, Phil Evans. “The doctor will shine a special torch in your face and if he’s not convinced, we’ll give you something from this bag.”
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Popular ‘Harold in Bloom’ winner disqualified for mass murder.

img_4915-1 Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.

73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Crime, idiots, Law and Order, Motoring, Police, Society, Uncategorized

Horror ride re-opens early for serious thrill seekers

rollerDespite the recent horrific accident in which several people were maimed, a local theme park has confirmed the ride involved would be open for business as usual this morning.

The proprietor of Harold Pleasure Park explained the ethos of the ride. “Everyone who takes a trip on a rollercoaster is seeking a thrill and taking a risk,” said Eddie Evans, “our Mortician Botherer ride offers all of that and more with our dodgy maintenance and lax attitude to health and safety procedures thrown in at no extra cost. You get a real sense of survival when you get off one of our rides.” Continue reading

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Sky and BT battle for rights to Blatter trial

blatter 3

Blatter auditions for ‘Call My Bluff’.

Sky and BT are locked in a fierce battle for the the rights to televise Sepp Blatter’s trial.

Sky are promising to debut their slow-motion car crash technology, and a resolution that could see their new star locked into a 20 year contract, excluding parole.

“This is an exciting event that everyone has been looking forward to for years”, said Rupert Murdoch.

“Trust me, we have a lot of experience in how the court system works. My son James is going to head up this bid.”
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Filed under Business, Entertainment, Sport