Tag Archives: Brad Pitt

by | June 8, 2015 · 2:36 am

Multimillionaire Kate Moss kicked off easyJet flight for crapping on poor people’s dreams

kate-moss-by-alasdair-mclellan-for-another-magazine-fall-winter-2014-2015-2 Kate Moss was yesterday escorted off an easyJet flight from Bodrum to Luton by police on the grounds that she had “no business travelling like a poor.”

Bedfordshire Police confirmed in a statement that Moss, whose wealth is estimated at around fifty-five million pounds, had been taken off the flight and provisionally cautioned under the 2005 It Just Winds People Up When You Slum It Act which is aimed at keeping the insanely wealthy out of spaces normally occupied by the mostly skint. Continue reading →

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by | August 28, 2014 · 4:52 pm

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married: sad acts finally realise they had no chance

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“I’d’ve shown her the world, as long as it’s on Netflix.”

With the news that the stunningly good looking full time charity workers and occasional movie stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married this weekend the pathetic and lonely have come to realise that they were never in with a chance to begin with. Continue reading →

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by | June 14, 2014 · 10:00 am

Hague sad as giving Angelina Jolie a damehood gets him no closer to her pants

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Together at last. Wonder if Jennifer Aniston is jealous?

Though his government have given her an honourary damehood William Hague is no closer to sleeping with Angelina Jolie.

“I don’t want to,” said the Foreign Secretary. “I totally respect her as woman and a human rights advocate and all that. Is she pretty? Can’t say I’ve noticed.”

“Ms Jolie is being rewarded for her campaigning for women’s rights,” Hague said. “I find it offensive that anyone would think that’s not true and that the real reasons are because she’s gorgeous, and a terribly unpopular government is seeking to sprinkle itself with stardust. That’s nonsense. We’re politicians, not bronies.”

Hague was last seen on his fourteenth pint of lager telling strangers he couldn’t see what all the fuss over Brad Pitt was about because women prefer shiny foreheads and warmongering to good looks.

 

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by | June 7, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Fight Club closes due to lack of publicity

fight_clubAn underground Fight Club has closed after being unable to attract new members due to overly restrictive publicity rules. Fight Club founder Dominic Delaney said, with the benefit of hindsight, the club which operated from the basement of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms should have been a bit more open.

“The first rule of Fight Club was – you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club was – you do not talk about Fight Club. In fact rules 3 through 10 were – you do not talk about Fight Club. No wonder hardly anyone turned up.”

Mr Delaney, who was able to talk openly as the club’s closure meant he was no longer bound by the strict secrecy rules, said that at its height, Fight Club had six members who regularly turned up to the Squirrel Licker’s basement to beat the living shit out of each other, and share gardening tips.
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