Philae, a probe that lays abandoned on a comet, has woken up drenched in sweat and feeling clammy.
After screaming itself to sleep just over 7 months ago, the lander awoke to find that it wasn’t all just a dream.
“Now that the batteries are charged, Philae can talk to us again”, said Hans Beckendorf of the European Space Agency. “And the first thing it said was ‘Fking fk fk, where the fking f**k am I?’.”
“It turns out that in space, someone can hear you scream.”
Philae has now covered its visual sensors with two of its little legs, and can be heard gently sobbing 127 million miles away.
“I can’t even see the earth, you’ve definitely got a plan to get me home, right?” asked the terrified device.
“Hey, I’ve got a bit of fuel left! I could divert this comet to land in Paris. Can’t talk now guys, I’ve got maths to do: woohoo! I’m coming home!”