Are spiders the new ‘super food’?

One of your eight a day.

Harold’s top faddist has found a new way to live longer, after munching her way through a new range of spiders.

Pippa Delaney claims that spiders contain a substance called ‘arachnodelica’, which can free radicals and either raise or lower lipids, depending on which is better.

“Spiders are nature’s pipe cleaners, so they’re good for the throat”, claimed Delaney. “But only if you don’t cook them first.”
Eaten raw, even a small spider can add a few minutes to your life, claimed the self-styled ‘qualified nutritionist’.

“But a big one where the legs stick out of your lips can make it seem as though death’s sweet mercy is never going to arrive.”

Delaney admitted that there was a certain amount of terror to overcome before enjoying the benefits of spidertarianism.

“It helps to think of them as being a bit like sultanas”, she explained. “Fast, slightly venomous sultanas that have eight hairy appendages, fangs and a bottom that squirts out string.”

Free-range spiders are now available from Delaney’s café, ‘Veggie! Spider! Veggie!’. “They’re in the shed at the back, just leave a coin in the jar and help yourself.”

While Delaney revealed that the benefits of spiders are largely unproven, she warned against the consumption of Daddy Longlegs.

“Why would you fill up on them? Ignore those, just eat the spiders. Look, there’s one on the lampshade you’ve missed: get it down you, do you want to die young?”