Category Archives: News

Deputy PM named in apparition mystery

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Villagers this morning breathed a sigh of relief as the mystery of The Ghost of Harold was solved. For some months The Lodge, one of the most substantial properties in Harold, had been the suspected site of frequent supernatural occurences.

‘It was most disconcerting.’ near neighbour Marjorie Houndstooth told the Evening Harold. ‘Lights would go on and off and the recycling bins would be put out but no one was ever seen.’

‘I used to walk the dog past there every evening but in the end I changed route because it was getting too spooky,’ said local barber Geoff Taylor. ‘One night I swear I heard a voice whispering hello and Sweeney started wagging his tail like he does when someone’s making a fuss of him, the daft old thing, but there was no bugger there.’
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Royal College of Administrators complain members ‘drowning in nursing’

Stethoscope-2 copyThe Royal College of Administrators has come out to today and asked for a review into the amount of nursing its members are currently having to perform.

Off its 1.2 million NHS workers surveyed, 67.4% said they spend up to 22 hours a week giving basic first aid, post-operative care, and working in triage

Most of those surveyed also believe the amount of nursing they are expected to do is increasing and stopping them providing a decent level of administrative support.

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Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized

Evil dictatorship welcomed by Bahrain

f1 copyThere has been protests throughout Bahrain this week at the decision to allow a fierce and brutal dictatorship come and stage a race in the country. The FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, has been accused of ruling with an iron fist to create an environment of fear up and down the paddock.

The ruling parties main opposition, the Formula One Teams Association (FOTA), have been involved in a long battle to try to install democracy into the sport, but have suffered casualties along the way, with Eddie Jordan now being ritually humiliated on television as punishment for past signs of dissent.

Click here to get to the finishing line…

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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Sport

Does anyone dare speak of ‘Best Kept Secret Village’ competition?

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Some npower salesmen still getting through

Harold is rumoured to be firm favourite in this year’s ‘best kept secret village’ competition, despite a handful of residents still leaving their lights on at night.

The contest, a national game of ‘hide and seek’ for beauty spots, was first brought to the attention of Harold by a travelling salesman.

“He just happened to have 300 hectares of black-out canvas for sale, and a rusty old transit, to take away all our sign posts”, revealed Cllr Ron Ronsson.

“He expressed his surprise at how easy it was to stumble upon our place, and bet me £20 we couldn’t make ourselves scarce. I wasn’t having that, so I diverted the whole of our tourist information budget to his Western Union account. But as  he explained, that’ll probably help us stay hidden.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Villagers upset as Gove calls for longer school hours and shorter holidays

Gove indicates how many days holiday a year he want school pupils to have

Gove indicates how many days holiday a year he wants state school pupils to have

In a speech yesterday Education Secretary, Michael Gove, called for significantly longer school days and much shorter holidays saying that ‘we can’t afford to have an education system that was essentially set in the 19th century’.

In Harold however the pattern of school holidays reflects a much older need based on the calender of the once dominant Viking community who took their children out of school at certain times of the year to provide extra labour for long boat maintenance, pillage, and squirrels respectively. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Canine lingerie website is the dogs bollocks

Woof, woof!

Woof, woof!

The Chinese internet craze for posting photos of dogs dressed in lingerie has reached Harold courtesy of Dave Zhou, owner of the 38th Parallel, the village’s North Korean Restaurant.

Dave explained how he had set up his ‘Bitches in Fishnets’ website which enables allows pet owners to anonymously post photographs of their pooches dressed in what he describes as “very sexy leg wear”,

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Filed under Lifestyle, News

Thatcher falls off roof and dies

thatch

Oops…

In a tragic accident, Britain’s first lady thatcher died this morning while working on the roof of Rose Cottage in the village of Harold.

Witnesses say Margaret Dennis appeared to be surprised by the sound of gunshot coming from all directions, which turned out to be a gun salute from a ceremonial funeral being watched on TV by half the village’s inhabitants. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News

Anti-Thatcher protesters get their own ‘red button’ coverage

Interactive protest only on the BBC

Interactive protest only on the BBC

With arguments raging over the impartiality of the BBC since the death of Baroness Thatcher, ‘Auntie’ has decided to make the coverage of the funeral interactive, with a protest ‘red button’ feature.

Those who hold fond views of Thatcher will still get the favourable coverage on the main BBC1 channel. However those looking to show their dislike for her can protest from the comfort of their own home.

“Pressing the red button will give you access to ‘protest cam’”, BBC1 controller Danny Cohen told reporters. “This is a dedicated view from the service, but facing the other way. We can guarantee you can sit through over three hours of coverage, without seeing a bloody thing.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized

Mark Thatcher gets lost on the way to his mother’s funeral

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Mark Thatcher was reported missing earlier today after getting lost on his way to his mother’s funeral. Amongst the initial confusion over how someone could get lost on a short drive to St Paul’s Cathedral, one of London’s most famous landmarks, a friend, who wished to remain anonymous, offered this insight into the fifty-nine year old hereditary Baron’s psyche.

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Filed under News

Entrepreneur takes Nestlé’s lead with plans to bottle air

Atmos-fear. Made by nature, bottled in Harold

Atmos-fear. Made by nature, bottled in Harold

With the revelation by the Nestlé chairman, Peter Brabeck, that the world’s problems could be solved by the privatisation of water, a local bottled gas company has announced their plans to bottle all of the breathable air and sell it back to the residents of the world for a small profit.

“With air being a natural resource, like water, coal and oil, one day it will become sparse” the entrepreneur, Fred Dilby told us. “but if we can control it in the very best spirit of capitalism, then one day the village of Harold could become as powerful as Russia”.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Nick Clegg claims that Margaret Thatcher would have been a Clegger

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Nick Clegg has caused wide-spread offence by leaving a message in the visitors book at the Margaret Thatcher museum that has left many people slack-jawed with disbelief.

Simply known as Margaret Thatcher’s House, the former prime minister’s childhood home above her father’s grocery shop in Grantham, Lincolnshire has been preserved as a museum since November 1990 with many visitors left hushed and awed by its unique atmosphere of ruthlessness and scorn. Nick Clegg and his entourage spent over an hour touring it before he wrote “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Maggie was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Clegger” in the visitors book. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Village forms Home Guard to combat Sunderland invasion threat

Di Cani who?

Di Cani who?

Alarmed at the total capitulation of the Toon Army to the fascist-led Sunderland regime, the village of Harold has set up a Home Guard to see the invading Black Cats off.

“We saw how Newcastle coped with just eleven men armed with nothing more than a swagger and a gob of spit” said bank manager and Home Guard leader Noel Clarke. “You need more than that to repel the serious threat of a Di Canio knee slide.”

With young people pre-occupied with mastering binge drinking and sharing Facebook spam, it fell on the older members of the village to form the core of the Home Guard. An eclectic mix of bank staff, and small businessmen stood ready to give fascism the heave ho.

Local butcher and councillor Bob Crossly, a veteran of football aggression in the 70s, appealed for calm saying “don’t panic” over and over again, before adding, “those Mackems don’t like it up em, excepting carrots of course.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport

Admin error sees murder rates soar

speed copyMurder rates in the village of Harold have risen dramatically over the last 3 weeks following an admin error on a speed awareness sign. The sign, which was ordered by a now sacked JSA claimant, tells drivers to ‘kill a child, not your speed’, but a reduction in funding means it would now be too expensive to replace.

Recent local government cuts has meant replacing the sign is out of the question. The local council have tried to use Tip-ex to amend the sign to read ‘kill your speed, not a child’, but have found parents too eager to scratch it off.

Councillor Ronsson, ex-father of three, explained the difficulties the council were having. “The people of Harold are a very moral bunch, so when they see Tip-ex on a sign they immediately clear the graffiti off. Unfortunately they respect authority as well, so did exactly what the sign says, some a little too keenly.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

More park benches to be laid on as Trampsfest comes to Harold

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Trampsfest – Salvation à la mode and a cup of tea.

Men of the road from across the country will be descending on Harold for the 53rd annual Trampsfest gathering later this week.

Thousands of tramps, vagrants, vagabonds, derelicts and panhandlers are expected to attend the festival to enjoy two days of fun, drinking, music, competitions, drinking, socialising and drinking.
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Filed under Around Harold, News

Masters Bitch and Putt almost ends in sudden death

GolferThe 23rd annual Harold Masters Pitch & Putt golf tournament reached a thrilling climax earlier today with a threat of sudden death as competitors’ mothers squared up to each other.

The Harold Masters, played over nine holes on the council course between the rec and the crem, was originally played by the men of the village but had to stop when it became over-competitive.  Players constantly fought to outdo each other with the worst outfit, and eventually the increasingly-loud plaid trousers, garish Pringle sweaters, two-tone shoes and leather gloves began to frighten the horses in a nearby field.

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Weekly News Round Up: Football Club introduces video technology in changing rooms

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Harold Thursday Football Club has confirmed that a pilot scheme using the latest video technology had gone well and could go ahead on a permanent basis. When asked if this would mean the end of goal line disputes, club chairman Billy McKean said “Hell no, we’ve installed it in the Ladies changing rooms. It’s been quite an eye opener, I can tell you.”

Congratulations to Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, who has won their longest beard competition. Elsie, 86, who has not shaved since she was 28, regards winning the competition as the fulfilment of a lifetime’s work. She is now aiming for the coveted double by winning the prize for the biggest bunion when it comes up for grabs. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Mute child wins local talent show – set for international stardom

search for a star copy12 year old Harold resident Erica Carter’s story is certainly sadder than most, and she’s not what many would consider a natural star of the stage.

Born a mute, her mother died during the delivery of Erica and her twin brother Graham. Her father was driven to alcohol dependency under the stress of caring for the two children alone, and eventually took his own life when the twins were 5. Shunted from children’s home to children’s home, Erica could always rely on the support and voice of her brother, until he died two years later in a tragic landfill accident. Erica’s grandmother emigrated to the UK from Australia to care for her, moving to Harold to provide the warmth of a family she so badly needed. Sadly her grandmother passed away last August.

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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Showbusiness

Football club to hold minute’s silence in memory of the Ironing Lady

silenceIt has been confirmed that a minutes silence will be observed before Harold Thursday’s game on Saturday as a mark of respect following the passing of Teresa Macster, the first female Mayor of Harold, known locally as the Ironing Lady on account of the fact that she ran a laundry business in the village.

‘Mrs Macster never really understood sport,’ said club chairman Billy McKean, ‘but this club owes her a great debt as she chose to sell off the cricket ground, rather than the football field, which guaranteed our pathetic survival to this day.’ Read more here…

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Radio 1 defend the right to play Justin Bieber

Warning; This boy may harm you and others around you.

Warning; This boy may harm you and others around you.

BBC Radio 1 have today had to deny claims they are being cruel and insensitive, and refused to back down from a decision to play the music of Justin Bieber. The move comes as people who remember the 1980’s and early 1990’s mourn the death of decent music.

The BBC in defending their position have told us they ‘have a duty to play the music people are buying, even if those people are under the age of 16 and have no idea what they are talking about.’

However, not everyone has been critical of the BBC. Sally Moody from the ‘OMG Justin Bieber, We Love You’ fan club told us “the BBC should play Justin all day ‘cos he is lush. Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Lifestyle, News, Politics

Village Mayor blasts Madonna in lifeboat donation furore

MadonnaPop star Madonna was accused today of expecting the village of Harold to ‘roll out a red carpet and blast a 21-gun salute in her honour’.

The spat occurred after the 54-year-old self-publicist and her entourage arrived in a motorcade of black-windowed Range Rovers, demanding to see the fruits of the altruistic gesture she displayed during an accidental visit to Harold in 2006.

Harold’s Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said that when Madonna had found herself in Harold after taking a wrong turning during the Confessions tour, she had been accosted by a fund-raiser for a Lifeboats flag day. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, International News, News, Showbusiness