Mark Thatcher gets lost on the way to his mother’s funeral

Mark Thatcher was reported missing earlier today after getting lost on his way to his mother’s funeral. Amongst the initial confusion over how someone could get lost on a short drive to St Paul’s Cathedral, one of London’s most famous landmarks, a friend, who wished to remain anonymous, offered this insight into the fifty-nine year old hereditary Baron’s psyche.

‘The problem is that Mark refuses to use sat-nav,’ she explained. ‘He tried it once but every time it told him to turn left he’d shout “you turn if you want to, the Thatcher’s not for turning”. It’s an inherited illness apparently. I believe his mother suffered from it quite badly.’

Another friend, who wished to remain anonymous, said that there was concern about who Thatcher might have called for help on realising that he was lost. ‘He’ll probably have asked Manners for help,’ he said, referring to Simon Mann who was found guilty in 2008 of attempting a coup d’etat in Equatorial Guinea a plot in which Mark Thatcher was heavily implicated to have been involved in though he was never charged with any wrongdoing. ‘Problem with your coup planning chaps is they’re fairly off-side when it comes to the idea of other people’s land and property. Manners has probably got old Tea-bagging driving through people’s gardens and blaming them for putting up fences.’

This is not the first time Mark Thatcher has got lost while driving. In 1982 he was lost for six days in the Sahara desert during the Paris-Dakar rally having famously boasted to the press before setting off ‘I did absolutely no preparation. Nothing.’ Whether this new disappearance will also trigger a huge tax-payer funded manhunt remains to be seen however at the moment the police are unconcerned.

‘We’ve clocked him on the CCTV going through Tower Hamlets, ‘ said Metropolitan Police spokesperson Sameera Bhatti. ‘He’ll be driving past streets full of boarded up shops, young people without a future, older people made to feel useless and criminal because they are on benefits, the increased number of rough sleepers and communities without resources because the councils have had their budgets slashed.’

‘I am reminded of Sir Christopher Wren’s epitaph,’ the classically educated Detective Inspector went on to say. ‘Lector, Si Monumentum Requiris Circumspice – Reader, if you seek a monument look around you. I do hope Mark Thatcher will be thinking of his mother as he drives through all that.’

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