Deputy PM named in apparition mystery


Villagers this morning breathed a sigh of relief as the mystery of The Ghost of Harold was solved. For some months The Lodge, one of the most substantial properties in Harold, had been the suspected site of frequent supernatural occurences.

‘It was most disconcerting.’ near neighbour Marjorie Houndstooth told the Evening Harold. ‘Lights would go on and off and the recycling bins would be put out but no one was ever seen.’

‘I used to walk the dog past there every evening but in the end I changed route because it was getting too spooky,’ said local barber Geoff Taylor. ‘One night I swear I heard a voice whispering hello and Sweeney started wagging his tail like he does when someone’s making a fuss of him, the daft old thing, but there was no bugger there.’

As more and more people claimed to have been witness to inexplicable and unsettling events including frequent sightings of a shadowy apparition drifting aimlessly and moaning in a hoarse, tortured voice about “no broken promises” and “standing up for Alarm Clock Britain” there was even calls for an exorcism to be performed which was dismissed as “a lorryload of old bollocks” by Dunstable’s most senior Roman Catholic cleric, Bishop Stanislaus McNamee, before he realised he was talking to the press.

Happily for fearful villagers the mystery of The Ghost of Harold was solved by estate agent Gill Gates. ‘The Lodge is being rented by Nick Clegg who uses it whenever he’s not needed by the Cabinet so mainly just weekdays and weekends.’

It’s thought that Nick Clegg is suffering from a state of ghostlike near invisibility and is unable to create a lasting impression due to the draining effect of having abandoned his principles in exchange for a role in politics as powerful and as memorable as the ‘pffft’ of smoke from a particularly disappointing firework. It is understood that he can’t communicate having lost the ability after staying silent in Cabinet for so long.

Now the cause of The Lodge’s haunting has been established relieved villagers are showing their caring side and hoping to make contact with the ghostly Deputy PM.

‘I’ll walk past there again,’ said Geoff Taylor. ‘And I shall give a little wave in case Cleggsy is looking out of the window. I wonder how many other villages this is happening in because when you think about the government, it’s not just him anymore, I think we can see through the whole lot of them now’.

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