Tag Archives: cuts

EXCLUSIVE: Cameron’s email exchange with Council in full!

Thanks to an ignored Freedom of Information request and a fiver we slipped to the editor’s niece who’s a whizz with computers, we’ve somehow uncovered the rather embarrassing exchange between David Cameron and his local Councillor:

From: David Cameron, PM [dave_24601@hotmail.com] Sent: 10 November 2015 09:37
To: Ian Hudspeth
Cc: G-Dawg [rt.hon.gideon_osborne.ba.hons@etonmess.com] Subject: Saving money

Hi lan,

Just a quick note to ask if you’ve explored all the options re: these possible ‘cuts’ to local services. Some of them would be counter-productive and actually cost money!

How about bulk-buying photocopy paper and paper clips? An old Uni chum says there’s savings there which wouldn’t affect service delivery. Maybe turn the thermostat down a degree or two?

Making cuts to vital local services won’t play well at the next local elections!

See what you can do, there’s a good chap.


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Home heart bypass operations ‘safe’ claims owner of Scalpels-2-U


Black represents the bad bit.

As more and more NHS services are moved from hospitals to the family home, an entrepreneur in Harold is offering door-to-door open heart surgery paraphernalia.

Brian Clutter insists that, just like giving birth, patients prefer a triple bypass in the comfort of their own lounge. And with a hygienic bucket to put any spare wobbly bits in, he promises those that survive will be pleased with the service.

“Basic washing-up liquid and a capful of bleach will clean up even the toughest of residue from a clumsily nicked artery”, claimed Clutter. “And rubbed-in dirt, perhaps from dropping a stray kidney and standing on it, can be shifted by turning the rug over.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics

‘We still need to make £25 worth of cuts’ warns George Osborne’s barber


“We have come a long way, but the job is not yet half way done”. These were the words of George Osborne’s hairdresser yesterday when talking about the now famous ‘Austerity Cut’ he has been working on for the past few months.

“We have gone some way with this cut but will need to complete at least a further £25 worth of cuts to get things looking a little bit more respectable,” he continued.

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Navy trials commercial flights between aircraft carriers


‘Welcome aboard flight EJ563. Our destination is classified.’

Britain’s airport capacity problem could finally be solved, if an experimental launch of an EasyJet airliner from HMS Prince of Wales proves a success.

Head of defence staff Nicholas Houghton insisted that commercial flights between aircraft carriers would allow runways to be moved if there were complaints, and save everyone the bother of having to drive to London.

“Aircraft carriers can adapt to changes in demand”, insisted Houghton. “You can sail one down to Gibraltar if anyone wants to visit there, or divert them to the Falklands if they fancy having a look at a penguin.”

The General pointed out that building ‘just a dozen or so’ new aircraft carriers would serve as a warning to rogue nations that armies of obnoxious tourists could be deployed anywhere in the world.

Using a modified launch ramp that can handle 300 passengers and up to 15 tonnes of duty-free, HMS Prince of Wales can now launch holiday makers with less than 40 seconds warning.

Houghton admitted that passengers would need to adapt slightly before they use the new facility.

“It’s a simple matter of taking the Queen’s shilling”, he explained. “We’re talking about less than 18 weeks basic training, learning how to hold your rum and then swimming a width wearing pyjamas”, he explained.

A spokesman from EasyJet pointed out that the mobility of aircraft carriers might occasionally mean a last-minute change in destination.

“If that happens we can arrange a transfer through our sister company, EasyPedalo”, said George Otway. “But at least you’ll have half a chance of arriving in the country you chose, which is a lot better than you’d get with Ryanair.”

Passengers on the first trial spoke of some difficulties, particularly as the location of their departure aircraft carrier was a closely guarded secret.

“We were flown out here on a rendition flight via Libya, and we’ve had nothing to do for 72 hours”, said one couple. “Our hand luggage has been stolen, there’s bullet holes in our suitcase and the scenery is just one depressing sea of grey. So overall, it’s about the same as flying out of Luton.”

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Filed under Business, Defence, Travel

Sadness as UK loses capacity to build massive, deadly warships


The thought of not being able to do this is too much for many to bear.

Politicians of all persuasions have spoken of their sadness that the UK can no longer build as many massive, deadly warships as it once did.

Massive, deadly warships have been a traditional part of British life for over 500 years, and a traditional part of the lives of many other countries that happen to have a shoreline.

From such historic facilities as Portsmouth, Rosyth and the Clyde, Britain has launched an endless stream of massive, deadly warships for the offspring of local families to use as killing platforms or a heroic, watery grave.
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Public sector to be chained to their desks

servantProductivity in the public sector looks set to rise, thanks to Chancellor George Osborne’s plan to swap ‘golden handcuffs’ for ‘big rusty shackles’.

Traditionally, workers in the public sector have enjoyed generous pensions, at least when compared to their wages. But with growing old and retiring now seen as ‘the coward’s way out’, the government has found a more certain way of keeping them grafting.

“For too long, we’ve allowed slaves in the public sector to slope off when they’re quite near to death”, said Osborne. “Our efforts with ATOS have stopped some from escaping through injury or illness, but until now, the odd old one was still getting out.”

Osborne acknowledged that making it almost impossible for low-paid workers to retire comfortably was ‘gob-smackingly cruel and unfair’, but pointed out that most of them were Labour voters anyway.
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Local council to use potholes to ease graveyard overcrowding

pothole grave With the number of available graveyard plots critically low, and the amount of potholes raising, a local council in the village of Harold have decided to cure the two problems with one easy solution. Any body looking to have a funeral at a reduced rate can choose to be buried in a pothole.

“This idea solves so many problems” Councillor Ronsson told us, “Graveyard don’t fill up, potholes get filled in, and the remaining family aren’t left having to find the money for a proper funeral.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized

Widespread support for “slashing MPs”

Fire Brigade Union launch new 'cost effective' Westminster fire station.

Fire Brigade Union launch new ‘cost effective’ Westminster fire station.

A report into the cost of MPs in Westminster has recommended the whole system needs to be “transformed” to become more efficient and effective. This comes hot on the heels of a similar review that suggested the fire service also needed major reforming.

Reported incidences of competent MPs have fallen by 40% in the last decade but the number of £65,000-a-year parliamentarians has remained roughly the same. The report has stated having 650 separate “headless chickens” was not sensible.

“With some MPs being half as effective as others, tens of millions of pounds could be saved each year” the report’s author said. “I recommend cutting back on some of the non-effective ones such as George Galloway, Michael Gove and Ed Miliband.”

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Admin error sees murder rates soar

speed copyMurder rates in the village of Harold have risen dramatically over the last 3 weeks following an admin error on a speed awareness sign. The sign, which was ordered by a now sacked JSA claimant, tells drivers to ‘kill a child, not your speed’, but a reduction in funding means it would now be too expensive to replace.

Recent local government cuts has meant replacing the sign is out of the question. The local council have tried to use Tip-ex to amend the sign to read ‘kill your speed, not a child’, but have found parents too eager to scratch it off.

Councillor Ronsson, ex-father of three, explained the difficulties the council were having. “The people of Harold are a very moral bunch, so when they see Tip-ex on a sign they immediately clear the graffiti off. Unfortunately they respect authority as well, so did exactly what the sign says, some a little too keenly.”
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