Tag Archives: fine

Banks reassure public that despite £2bn fine, poor bankers will still get bonuses

Concerns over bankers’ bonuses were quickly quashed this morning as all of the five banks reassured customers the people responsible for huge fines for interest rate rigging would still be generously rewarded.

The collective fine of £2bn saw the public concerned that the often bashed bankers may have to forgo multi-million pound bonuses, but as Ross McEwan, Chief Executive of publicly owned RBS explained they have been punished enough.

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Filed under Business, Crime

Harold school to allow term time holidays for ‘thick kids’


Children spend a useful hour learning how to put on jumpers.

A school in Harold is letting parents take holidays in term time, but only if their offspring aren’t ‘promising’.

Head mistress of St. Mary’s primary school Alison Lee explained that her dimmest pupils can leave any time they like, but urged parents to ‘try at least’ to clash with OFSTED inspections.

“A lot of the brighter parents come to me and say that a holiday in some far-away paradise can be educational for their children”, said Lee. “But when they come back, their maths tends not to have improved in the slightest.”

“But when the Evans’ took their pair of mouth-breathers to a caravan in Rhyll in September, our SATS predictions climbed by 7%. It was an astonishing result; on average, even their two brainless dolts have benefited. As I told Mr Evans, I knew they’d have better luck educating them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Education

E.on fined ‘for being bastards’

E.on's new logo

E.on’s new logo

E.on will pay out a record £12m penalty after being found guilty of ‘being bastards’ by industry regulator Ofgem. The verdict was initially something complicated about mis-selling and rule breaches, but has been amended to the more straightforward ‘bastards’ charge after many people were left unclear as to exactly what the energy giant had done wrong. Continue reading

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Filed under News

Admin error sees murder rates soar

speed copyMurder rates in the village of Harold have risen dramatically over the last 3 weeks following an admin error on a speed awareness sign. The sign, which was ordered by a now sacked JSA claimant, tells drivers to ‘kill a child, not your speed’, but a reduction in funding means it would now be too expensive to replace.

Recent local government cuts has meant replacing the sign is out of the question. The local council have tried to use Tip-ex to amend the sign to read ‘kill your speed, not a child’, but have found parents too eager to scratch it off.

Councillor Ronsson, ex-father of three, explained the difficulties the council were having. “The people of Harold are a very moral bunch, so when they see Tip-ex on a sign they immediately clear the graffiti off. Unfortunately they respect authority as well, so did exactly what the sign says, some a little too keenly.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics