Admin error sees murder rates soar

speed copyMurder rates in the village of Harold have risen dramatically over the last 3 weeks following an admin error on a speed awareness sign. The sign, which was ordered by a now sacked JSA claimant, tells drivers to ‘kill a child, not your speed’, but a reduction in funding means it would now be too expensive to replace.

Recent local government cuts has meant replacing the sign is out of the question. The local council have tried to use Tip-ex to amend the sign to read ‘kill your speed, not a child’, but have found parents too eager to scratch it off.

Councillor Ronsson, ex-father of three, explained the difficulties the council were having. “The people of Harold are a very moral bunch, so when they see Tip-ex on a sign they immediately clear the graffiti off. Unfortunately they respect authority as well, so did exactly what the sign says, some a little too keenly.”

Although the murder rate has had a negative affect on house prices, it has seen a boost in certain parts of the local economy. Mick Clarkson of ‘Clarkson’s Cars’ has told us that despite steep decline in the amount of booster seats sold, sports car sales had gone through the roof.

“One customer was very forward thinking” he said. “He wanted me to reserve a car for him because he hadn’t yet killed his fifteen year old son, but had scheduled it in for Friday. I used to get suspicious if some asked for a car with a lot of boot space, but now I know they are just decent law abiding citizens”

PC Flegg, the village’s local law enforcement has said she has found it difficult to balance the mix of crimes that the error has brought upon the village. “In the past few weeks, I have had to deal with forty-three murder investigations and over five hundred speeding offences.

“Prioritising the cases has been a nightmare, but my police training handbook says one of those crimes sticks out as much more important than the others. That’s why my hard work has meant an increase in fines and a speed awareness course that’s fully booked for the next six months.”

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