Move, Phil, move! Is he there?
‘Philip Hammond says that thanks to sound Tory economics, Britain’s Tory voting OAPs are to get a whopping 3% increase in state pensions in 2018.
“Make no mistake, this is great news for the UK.” said the Chancellor speaking from in front of a bright background, so as to be seen.
Nicknamed ‘Dustsheet Phil’ due to his fondness for keeping offshore investments covered up, Continue reading
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Are you thinking what he’s thinking? Shame on you!
Low-paid workers are celebrating the UK Chancellor’s decision not to end tax relief on pension contributions.
“I was sick with worry, about it,” said Carly Jeffery, a Teaching Assistant from the English village of Harold “so this is a great weight off my mind.”
Productivity in the public sector looks set to rise, thanks to Chancellor George Osborne’s plan to swap ‘golden handcuffs’ for ‘big rusty shackles’.
Traditionally, workers in the public sector have enjoyed generous pensions, at least when compared to their wages. But with growing old and retiring now seen as ‘the coward’s way out’, the government has found a more certain way of keeping them grafting.
“For too long, we’ve allowed slaves in the public sector to slope off when they’re quite near to death”, said Osborne. “Our efforts with ATOS have stopped some from escaping through injury or illness, but until now, the odd old one was still getting out.”
Osborne acknowledged that making it almost impossible for low-paid workers to retire comfortably was ‘gob-smackingly cruel and unfair’, but pointed out that most of them were Labour voters anyway.
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