Public sector to be chained to their desks

Productivity in the public sector looks set to rise, thanks to Chancellor George Osborne’s plan to swap ‘golden handcuffs’ for ‘big rusty shackles’.

Traditionally, workers in the public sector have enjoyed generous pensions, at least when compared to their wages. But with growing old and retiring now seen as ‘the coward’s way out’, the government has found a more certain way of keeping them grafting.

“For too long, we’ve allowed slaves in the public sector to slope off when they’re quite near to death”, said Osborne. “Our efforts with ATOS have stopped some from escaping through injury or illness, but until now, the odd old one was still getting out.”

Osborne acknowledged that making it almost impossible for low-paid workers to retire comfortably was ‘gob-smackingly cruel and unfair’, but pointed out that most of them were Labour voters anyway.

“If I thought for one moment there was some way of winning them over, you can be sure I’d be throwing them a bone”, admitted the chancellor. “And we’re still doing that, but literally rather than figuratively. They can suck the jelly out while they’re doing some typing.”

Union leaders have condemned the plan to physically restrain staff, but failed to secure support for industrial action. “That’s the other benefit”, said Osborne, “they can’t raise their hands high enough to vote. There’s just enough slack in their chains for them to fill in a form.”

Number 10 denied that the policy was an attempt to further reduce public sector staffing levels. In a statement the government claimed to be ‘fully in favour of having more servile servants’.