Home heart bypass operations ‘safe’ claims owner of Scalpels-2-U


Black represents the bad bit.

As more and more NHS services are moved from hospitals to the family home, an entrepreneur in Harold is offering door-to-door open heart surgery paraphernalia.

Brian Clutter insists that, just like giving birth, patients prefer a triple bypass in the comfort of their own lounge. And with a hygienic bucket to put any spare wobbly bits in, he promises those that survive will be pleased with the service.

“Basic washing-up liquid and a capful of bleach will clean up even the toughest of residue from a clumsily nicked artery”, claimed Clutter. “And rubbed-in dirt, perhaps from dropping a stray kidney and standing on it, can be shifted by turning the rug over.”

Clutter is no stranger to complex equipment, having owned a string of head shops from just outside Glastonbury to quite close to Salisbury. Offering everything from complicated bongs to small wooden boxes with skulls on, he sees ethnic surgical supplies as the natural next step.

“We offer genuine hemp sutures and a wide range of scalpels”, beamed Clutter. “Look, this one’s etched with a little, pointy green leaf on. It’s all ethically sourced, these are sharpened by natives in the jungles of far-off Abergavenny. But I can give them a quick wipe first, if you’re worried about spiders.”

We visited Clutter as he prepared the home of Doris Kettle. Suffering from chest pains and shortness of breath, Clutter insisted that wouldn’t prevent him from doing a tidy job.

With a cleanish rag rug on the table and soap-scented joss sticks to hand, Clutter was all-set for a professional rummage.

We asked Clutter about a tie dye wall hanging he’d put up, depicting a stylised heart surrounded by rainbows. “Stylised? What do you mean ‘stylised’?”, he asked. “Oh well, I’m committed now. If anything goes wrong, I’ll call NHS Direct.”

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