Tag Archives: funeral

Burial of last man to walk on moon was ‘obvious fake’

Fake funeral

Still more likely than Donald Trump

Following the supposed burial of Eugene Cernan, the last astronaut to walk on the moon, conspiracy theorists have pointed out a large number of inconsistencies which may mean that the whole funeral was faked.

“We don’t know exactly how they did it,” explained leading sceptic Barry Renfrew, “But if you look carefully at the official pictures there’s something  fishy about this so-called burial.”

“At first glance it looks like a perfectly normal funeral. But when you look closely, little discrepancies begin to emerge which discredit the whole thing.”

“For example, it’s clearly not raining in the scene, and yet everyone is using an umbrella. Was this actually to shield them from the harsh lights in the studio where this image was created? We can only guess.”

“On the same lines, look at the American flag. Nothing wrong with it you might think, the old Stars and Stripes.”

“But hang on – isn’t there something wrong? That’s right – it’s flying straight out, but there’s clearly no wind in the picture! What a give away!”

“The rocket looks a bit dodgy too, if I’m honest.”

“On the whole, we believe the funeral was an obvious fake, probably to put pressure on the Russians, who have yet to work out how to bury their own astronauts.”

Renfrew was quick to deny suggestions that he was actually just an over-sceptical person.

“Absolutely not. I generally believe everything. Like most people, I believe the moon landings were staged. I believe the earth is flat, and possibly on the back of a tortoise.”

“In fact, the only thing I can’t believe, is that Donald Trump is about to be President.”

“That’s GOT to be made-up.”

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Filed under Space, TV

Going to die this weekend? Local undertaker offers Black Friday discounts

Black Friday picHarold’s best (and only) firm of Funeral Directors have announced a Black Friday special promotion with a range of tempting discounts for anyone having the misfortune of bereavement this weekend.

“We thought we’d join the Black Friday trend and I must say our special deals are to die for,” proprietor Carmen Hilton told the Evening Harold. “So if you have an elderly bed blocker who is selfishly delaying the inevitable this could be the perfect time to gently suggest to them that if they shuffled off now they could save the family a small fortune.”

Ms Hilton stressed the advantages of the current offer which expires on Sunday. “If you call us before the end of the day, we can have them in the ground before December,” she said brightly. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

God announces that he pickets Westboro Baptist church


“WBC is as much a church as Tony Blair’s a Peace Envoy” – God

Westboro Baptist Church’s announcement that they will picket Robin William’s funeral on the grounds that he was a “fag pimp” has prompted God to announce that he has always picketed them and in fact has never once been inside nor ever met any of its members. Continue reading

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Filed under Religion

Family ‘already buried Nelson Mandela a few times’


Mandela all set for fifth funeral this week

Members of Nelson Mandela’s family are urging the courts to let them bury him as soon as possible, despite the 94 year-old statesman’s stable condition.

Insisting that Nelson is now in a ‘permanent vegetative state’, his relatives are keen for him to lead one final underground movement.

But their claims seem at odds with reports from others who have visited Nelson, who claim he’s ‘never looked fitter’.

“This morning I watched him eat a 16 ounce steak, then jog his way around a half-marathon”, said one visitor. “He didn’t win, in fact he nearly came last. But I don’t think that’s justification enough to bury him.”
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Filed under News, Politics

Local council to use potholes to ease graveyard overcrowding

pothole grave With the number of available graveyard plots critically low, and the amount of potholes raising, a local council in the village of Harold have decided to cure the two problems with one easy solution. Any body looking to have a funeral at a reduced rate can choose to be buried in a pothole.

“This idea solves so many problems” Councillor Ronsson told us, “Graveyard don’t fill up, potholes get filled in, and the remaining family aren’t left having to find the money for a proper funeral.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized

Anti-Thatcher protesters get their own ‘red button’ coverage

Interactive protest only on the BBC

Interactive protest only on the BBC

With arguments raging over the impartiality of the BBC since the death of Baroness Thatcher, ‘Auntie’ has decided to make the coverage of the funeral interactive, with a protest ‘red button’ feature.

Those who hold fond views of Thatcher will still get the favourable coverage on the main BBC1 channel. However those looking to show their dislike for her can protest from the comfort of their own home.

“Pressing the red button will give you access to ‘protest cam’”, BBC1 controller Danny Cohen told reporters. “This is a dedicated view from the service, but facing the other way. We can guarantee you can sit through over three hours of coverage, without seeing a bloody thing.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized