Going to die this weekend? Local undertaker offers Black Friday discounts

Harold’s best (and only) firm of Funeral Directors have announced a Black Friday special promotion with a range of tempting discounts for anyone having the misfortune of bereavement this weekend.

“We thought we’d join the Black Friday trend and I must say our special deals are to die for,” proprietor Carmen Hilton told the Evening Harold. “So if you have an elderly bed blocker who is selfishly delaying the inevitable this could be the perfect time to gently suggest to them that if they shuffled off now they could save the family a small fortune.”

Ms Hilton stressed the advantages of the current offer which expires on Sunday. “If you call us before the end of the day, we can have them in the ground before December,” she said brightly.

“And with our 2 for 1 offer we’re literally going to throw in another body with every burial,” she enthused. “You can’t say fairer than that. So why not get it all over now, so you can relax and enjoy Christmas properly?””

Ms Hilton, who has been running the firm of Humpet & Dumpet with her ever cheerful colleague, Matilda Bingo, ever since her father died in mysterious circumstances 15 years ago, assured potential customers that although space was tight, every body would be accommodated.

“The plots are strictly limited so we might have to fold a big one” she said “but who doesn’t need a new black dress on the run up to Christmas?”