Pop star Madonna was accused today of expecting the village of Harold to ‘roll out a red carpet and blast a 21-gun salute in her honour’.
The spat occurred after the 54-year-old self-publicist and her entourage arrived in a motorcade of black-windowed Range Rovers, demanding to see the fruits of the altruistic gesture she displayed during an accidental visit to Harold in 2006.
Harold’s Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said that when Madonna had found herself in Harold after taking a wrong turning during the Confessions tour, she had been accosted by a fund-raiser for a Lifeboats flag day.
‘When the RNLI collector shook his collection box at Madonna, she grudgingly felt in her pocket and donated 20p, a quarter and a stick of chewing gum, demanding an extra flag for her bodyguard,’ said Mr Jackson. ‘I know, because I was the collector. Now she’s back, demanding to see the bloody lifeboat she says she bought us.’
Mr Jackson said that Madonna was outraged to discover that Harold did not even have a lifeboat, being 60 miles from the sea.
After the altercation, Madonna said she might as well adopt a local child while she was there, and retired to the Squirrel Lickers Arms in the market square for a drink while she waited for her personal shopper to make a selection. At the pub, she insisted they sanitize a private toilet for her sole use during the visit.
When the personal shopper finally returned, she was accompanied by the only orphan in the village, Erica Carter, a redhead. Madonna is reported to have thrown her drink and pickled egg at the shopper, yelling about how the brat wouldn’t match the rest of her set, before storming upstairs.
‘Unfortunately she didn’t think to remove the cling film over the bowl of her sanitized toilet,’ said Eddie, landlord of the Squirrel. ‘At least she made a bigger splash than her lifeboat.’
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