Tag Archives: Sunderland
Yes of course we voted to starve to death, insists Sunderland
There had been suggestions that the largely leave-voting population of the area might have some regrets since it emerged that they’re all going to starve miserably to death, but locals insist the opposite is true.
“Mad” Barry Renfield, spokesloon for the pressure group Workers for Famine, maintained that the Brexit camp in the area had never been stronger.
”Yes, we might lose a few jobs. Lots of jobs. In fact, all the jobs. But we won’t be losing them to foreigners.”
”Apart from in the sense that the work we were hitherto employed to do will now be undertaken by a workforce in Japan, but that subtlety has completely eluded me.”
”In any case, there will always be work to do. Picking scraps of flesh off rotting corpses with a charred bone might not be what we thought we’d be doing, but we support it 100%, and we’ll roll our sleeves up. If we haven’t had to eat them to fend off starvation a few agonising days more.”
“Yes, the young will eat the old, the wolves will eat both, and piles of ash and excrement will tower over the remains of our homes, but we totally knew that when we voted!”
“It’s not all doom and gloom anyway. I’ve heard whispers there’s a German company moving into town. Funny name – ‘Schaden’ something? ‘…freude’, is it? Do they make fridges?”
Picture evidence shows Di Canio only 25% fascist
Village forms Home Guard to combat Sunderland invasion threat
Alarmed at the total capitulation of the Toon Army to the fascist-led Sunderland regime, the village of Harold has set up a Home Guard to see the invading Black Cats off.
“We saw how Newcastle coped with just eleven men armed with nothing more than a swagger and a gob of spit” said bank manager and Home Guard leader Noel Clarke. “You need more than that to repel the serious threat of a Di Canio knee slide.”
With young people pre-occupied with mastering binge drinking and sharing Facebook spam, it fell on the older members of the village to form the core of the Home Guard. An eclectic mix of bank staff, and small businessmen stood ready to give fascism the heave ho.
Local butcher and councillor Bob Crossly, a veteran of football aggression in the 70s, appealed for calm saying “don’t panic” over and over again, before adding, “those Mackems don’t like it up em, excepting carrots of course.”
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport
Harold minors call for return of graffitied walls in Mussolini row
The row over the appointment of Benito Mussolini as manager of Harold Thursday continued today, with the Harold Minors’ Association threatening to remove several pieces of graffiti from the club’s ground in protest at the long-dead fascist being given the job.
“We have proudly supported Harold Thursday for a number of years but feel that some things are more important than football. If we do not get a full explanation from the club we will be asking for the return of a number of pieces of graffiti, including the famous ‘Gaz M is a nob’ piece on the rear wall of the changing rooms.” said 15 year-old Dave Jumper, general secretary of the Harold Minors’ Association.
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