Category Archives: News

by | November 4, 2013 · 7:00 am

‘School run mums’ teach kids ‘tuck and roll’ exit technique

Jumper

‘Don’t forget your sandwiches…’

School run mums in Harold are teaching their children to exit vehicles at speed, to avoid fines from council stooges with cameras.

Dozens of parents have been fined for parking illegally while dropping their kids off at the local primary school, with photographic evidence being used to make the charges stick in court.

But desperate families who live some 1200 yards away have adopted an alarming new technique, which involves ejecting children at speeds of up to 20 miles an hour.
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by | November 3, 2013 · 7:00 am

Village Hall badly damaged during Fire Safety Awareness meeting

Fire brigade never there when you need them.

Fire brigade never there when you need them.

The annual meeting of the Fire Safety Committee in Harold Village Hall has been adjourned early after a fire broke out in the basement.  Panic set in when it became obvious that no-one at the meeting had any formal training in handling a fire extinguisher.  ‘Bucket of water,’ suggested one.  ‘No!’ screamed another.  ‘Water makes it worse if it’s the electrics.  Or is that when it’s petrol?’

The building was soon evacuated and all the attendees could do was stand by and watch as smoke began to billow out of gratings in the pavement.  News came through that the fire engine dispatched from Dunstable was held up in traffic in the Chiggley Moor Lane area, but then had to turn back due to the start of strike action.

PC Anita Flegg attended the scene and began her own investigation.  Two men in a delivery van had been spotted round the back of the building earlier in the day, but it was quickly confirmed that they were there on legitimate business.
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by | November 2, 2013 · 11:00 am

Samaritans at 60: charity reveals top three reasons people call them

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Happy birthday Samaritans. Five million calls answered a year and no one ever gets put on hold. Whatever you’re doing we wish you could train the call centre at our bank to do it too.

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by | · 7:00 am

Pet owners complain that their cats smell of Dell Laptops

IMG_0920Eight out of ten cat owners have complained that their moggies have started to emit a smell similar to that of a new laptop computer.

Although the pong, first reported in September, has been identified by boffins as being identical to Dell’s Latitude 6430u laptop, experts are baffled by the cause of the ‘Dell Smell’ phenomenon. Continue reading →

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by | November 1, 2013 · 1:30 pm

Surviving the wine shortage: a tramp’s guide

Mr Horse

Mr Horse

Recent news of a global wine shortage has caused a panic among the general population, with supermarkets reporting panic-buying of Blue Nun and cross-channel ferries to France fully booked with people desperately trying to stock up to beat the crisis.

But it doesn’t have to be like this. There are other ways to escape the crushing reality of your daily life without wine, and you don’t even have to resort to hallucinogenic drugs. A number of other alcoholic drinks, which are not in short supply, will complement your meals just as well as your favourite wine, and give you that same warm, fuzzy glow that helps you to forget how awful your job is. Harold’s favourite tramp, John Horse, takes you through some of the alternatives: Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Brooks and Coulson in six-year affair with Rupert Murdoch

Who could resist that face?

Who could resist that face?

The News International phone-hacking trial took a romantic turn yesterday when Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson admitted that they’d both had a six year affair with Rupert Murdoch. Side-by-side in the dock Brooks, former editor of The Sun and Coulson who was her deputy before going on to edit the News of the World, became emotional as they recounted their heady days of love with the octogenarian inspiration for Darth Sidious. Continue reading →

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by | October 31, 2013 · 11:00 am

Mercury prize won by obscure band who punch goats while holding microphones

Makes an award-winning sound when you punch it in the face

Makes an award-winning sound when you punch it in the face

The prestigious Mercury music prize has been won by a hitherto unheard of band, who eschew traditional musical instruments in favour of recording metallic grinding noises from industrial machinery and mixing it with the sound you get when you punch a goat in the face while holding a microphone.

“The Barclaycard Mercury Prize has taken on even more significance in recent years, as the only other major award for British artists, The Brits, tend to be won by acts that the general public have not only heard of, but also like.” said Timothy Forbes, music editor for The Guardian, “The Mercury Prize is therefore essential to remind ordinary music fans how much better than them us critics are.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Thatcher Halloween flight-path looks set to give Harold sky-watchers a treat

witchy thatch

Heseltine criticised the witch for buying an American broom.

With confirmation that Baroness Thatcher’s ‘Halloween Fly-By’ route will pass directly over Harold on Tuesday, local astronomers have every chance of an excellent view of the comet-like phenomenon.

The former PM’s icy skeleton said she’s ‘really looking forward to dusting off the old broomstick and heading up North to scare the living daylights out of Arthur Scargill.’

She is due to depart Gatwick Airport at 1900 hours, regardless of the weather, flying directly over Harold before arriving in the Barnsley area around midnight. A defiant Scargill tweeted ‘Ooh, see me quaking in me pit boots, pet.’
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by | October 30, 2013 · 11:00 am

Cameron’s hope for the future: I want your children to work for mine

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A valuable skills-orientated workplace for a modern Britain and definitely not a dark satanic mill. Honest.

While on a tour of a factory David Cameron spoke of his hopes for the future by declaring that he wants the vast majority of the nation’s children to grow up and work for the children of he and his friends.

“As a country what we ought to be saying is: ‘Let’s get our education system right so we are producing young people out of our schools and colleges who are fully capable of doing these low-paid, soul-sapping jobs for less money a week than I spend on micro-transactions when I’m playing Angry Birds,” the Prime Minister said.

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by | · 7:00 am

Giraffes wear Nick Clegg masks after failing to solve leaf eating puzzle

giraffe

‘I looked ridiculous’, claimed blue-tongued, 30-foot tall freak.

A leaf eating puzzle sweeping Africa has resulted in almost all giraffes wearing Nick Clegg masks for the next three days. The seemingly simple puzzle spread rapidly via Savannah media and was the talk of waterholes up and down Africa and beyond. The rare giraffes that solved the puzzle got to feel smug, and the masses that failed had to wear the Clegg mask and thus looked even smugger.

The puzzle involved a giraffe hearing their parents call from the waterhole 200 metres away. It is 3.00am and the parents have a bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, a bag of healthy leaves, and a bag of decorative leaves. The giraffes were asked what they would open first.

95% of giraffes said they would open the bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, 4% opted to open the door and then open the bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, and 1% said they would open their eyes and then get straight into the tasty and hallucinogenic leaves.

The puzzle caused furious debate throughout Africa, with accusations of unclear wording and outright cheating.
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by | October 29, 2013 · 1:00 pm

New Orleans residents fundraising for UK storm

OH MY GOD!!

OH MY GOD!!

Residents of New Orleans, who are still putting their lives back together eight years on from Hurricane Katrina, have put their own recovery on hold to raise funds for the relief effort after Storm Jude battered parts of the UK.

Concerts have been organised, charity car washes have been set up and fun runs are taking place, all to help get the UK back to normal after the devastation caused over the last day. Funds will be used to replace broken fence panels and roof tiles, and to fly volunteer teams of “Storm survivors” to the UK, who will put their experiences in the wake of Katrina to use in the clean-up effort. Continue reading →

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by | October 28, 2013 · 12:20 pm

‘HS2 will jump over fallen trees’ Cameron claims

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Following the ‘great breeze’ of 2013, the government has taken the opportunity to use the travel disruption to push forward some of the benefits of HS2, claiming the carriages of the high-speed trains will have the ability to jump over fallen trees.

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by | October 27, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Nation gripped by panic as BBC weather presenter says storm won’t be serious

Oxford Street as it's predicted to be by tomorrow. We don't know the cause of the storm for sure but we're fairly convinced it's happening because David Cameron shot an albatross.

Oxford Street as it’s predicted to be by tomorrow. We don’t know the cause of the storm for sure but we’re fairly convinced it’s happening because David Cameron shot an albatross.

The country is officially at panic stations this morning ever since a BBC weather presenter told viewers of Breakfast that the approaching storm won’t be serious.

“It was terrifying,” said Sally Kettle who was watching in her kitchen in Harold. “She was all calm and said ‘Earlier on today apparently a woman left a post on our message board and said she’d heard that there is a hurricane on the way. Well, if you’re watching, don’t worry, there isn’t...’ then she looked right into the camera and gave a reassuring little smile. You know what that means, don’t you? We’re doomed!”

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by | · 11:05 am

Sebastian Vettel wins fourth F1 title; local taxi driver unimpressed

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He doesn’t mind racing in countries with human rights issues, but he won’t race south of the river

Following Sebastian Vettel’s fourth Formula 1 world championship win in India, a local taxi driver has launched a scathing attack on the German saying “driving round in circles in a 200mph car is easy, he should try the M25 on a Friday lunchtime in a Ford Mondeo filled with a fragranced cloud of Magic Tree vanilla.”

Claiming he could do better with his eyes closed, Tommy Alwright from Harold continued his verbal assassination of Vettel’s achievement by comparing the standard of conversation each driving professional has to endure.

“If all I had to do was get from one place to another with someone telling me my tyres are okay and that I just need to go round again, life for this ‘real’ driver would be a piece of piss. But you get Christian Horner to ask him if he’s been busy at the beginning of every lap and see how long it is before he cracks.”

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by | October 26, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Jeremy Hunt focuses on ‘positive side’ of cold weather deaths

elderly

Hunt: ‘swift action required’ to maximise potential of holiday let market

With winter fast approaching, Public Health England has published its Cold Weather Plan for people who have forgotten what a winter is or are too poor to do anything about it.

There are on average 24,000 excess winter deaths, many of which might be worth preventing. It’s a situation which Health Secretary Jeremy ‘Hunt’ described as ‘completely unacceptable’, ‘someone else’s fault’ and ‘a welcome boost to the housing market’.

The Plan aims to alert people to the surprising fact that cold weather in England is, on the whole, not very warm and as in previous years the Met Office will trigger cold weather alerts at five levels:
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by | · 10:00 am

New tax on prams in coffee shops gives government boost in polls

A pram almost as large as their sense of entitlement.

A pram almost as large as their sense of entitlement.

The government has received a large boost in opinion polls with the announcement of the new prams in coffee shops tax.

“We believe in helping hard-working Britons,” said Chancellor George Osborne. “And our new tax will allow people who only have a few minutes to leave their workplace and grab a caffeinated beverage of their choice to be able to do so without being forced to fight their way into coffee shops stuffed with prams the size of shire horses or having to queue for ages as a parent insists on their three year old doing the ordering and paying no matter how long this takes or how many people are waiting to be served so said three year old can ‘have a learning experience’.” Continue reading →

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by | October 25, 2013 · 2:30 pm

The Sun says ‘obesity crisis is sexy’ and welcomes first page 3 boy

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Jamie, 23 thinks everyone should lighten up over the NSA call-monitoring scandal. “If a powerful man, for example the President of the USA or an elderly Australian, wants to listen in on the rest of us why should we spoil their fun?”

The Sun newspaper has declared obesity to be sexy and today published its first edition with a Page 3 boy rather than the usual if increasingly controversial Page 3 girl.

“It’s a no brainer,” explained editor David Dinsmore. “As the population gets more chunky there’s more and more lads out there with cracking sets of jubblies. So we say don’t be ashamed lads, get ’em out for the er…ladies I guess. And gay blokes. The Sun is a modern newspaper we love all that now.”

“Moobs are where it’s at,” Dinsmore enthused. “Not for me, I’m not a poof, obviously. But lets be honest we’ve all been a bit blurry in the morning and seen pictures of moob pioneers like Vladimer Putin and Simon Cowell and felt a bit of a low down tingle before realising our mistake, haven’t we?” Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

God announces cabinet reshuffle

God

Despite omnipotence, God may still need to rely on coalition with Nick Clegg.

Omnipotent Christian deity God has spent the day changing some faces in his cabinet in the first reshuffle for over 2000 years. Many involved are household names and the shake up is seen as significant on earth as it is in heaven.

The big loser is God’s long time wing man Jesus of Nazareth, whose coveted position of ‘sitting at the right hand of God’ has gone to Princess Diana. The heavenly father has recently faced fresh accusations of nepotism as well as a failure to represent females in positions of power, and has seemingly smote two birds with one stone.

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by | · 9:30 am

Prince Charles fears being King will be ‘like being in prison’.

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Surrounded by security 24 hours a day, having someone else decide what you will eat, not voting in elections, being transported in armoured vehicles often with a police escort, having sex with unsightly people, menial work to pass the time and earn your weekly wage and all the tax payers’ expense have all been good practice for the future monarch.

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by | · 7:00 am

Woman changes Energy supplier six times in three weeks in futile attempt to reduce bills

What goes up, must stay up.

What goes up, must stay up.

In an attempt to avoid increasing energy bills, Harold resident, Julie Kettle, has found herself back with her original energy provider after assiduously following Government advice by changing suppliers six times in three weeks to take advantage of the apparent competition.

“At the start of this my provider was SSE,” said Mrs Kettle, “so I was rather distraught when they announced that they were pushing up their bills by 8.2%. The last straw for me was when they announced that their Economy 7 tariff was now going to become ‘Economy 7.57’ in line with the price rise.” Continue reading →

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