The News International phone-hacking trial took a romantic turn yesterday when Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson admitted that they’d both had a six year affair with Rupert Murdoch. Side-by-side in the dock Brooks, former editor of The Sun and Coulson who was her deputy before going on to edit the News of the World, became emotional as they recounted their heady days of love with the octogenarian inspiration for Darth Sidious.
“It was exciting,” admitted Coulson. “Rupert is so glamorous! He told me he swapped nationalities from Australian to American so he could own TV stations there though by using offshore tax havens he barely pays tax in the US or any other country. His lack of morality is just so sexy. I was one smitten kitten.”
Desperate to please their man Brooks and Coulson soon found themselves running newspapers that routinely hacked the voice-mails of celebrities, politicians and royalty in pursuit of the exclusives Murdoch craved.
“Laid out like this it seems wrong,’ Coulson admitted. “But you don’t know what it was like. It was me, Rebekah and Rupert against the world. The three Rs! Except my name’s Andy.”
When the affair came to an abrupt end Brooks was devastated. “I thought it was forever but we were dumped by text seconds before the police raided our offices and I haven’t heard from Rupert since.”
“Though I have had an email from HarperCollins which he owns. It said ‘Mister M says if you get lez up once you’ve gone down we’ll publish your sexy prison diary. Bang like a dunny door in a thunderstorm or we’re not interested.’ So I know he’s still thinking of me.”
Coulson is equally firm in his belief that his former lover is still on his side. “He’d be here in court with us if he could, I know he would, but unfortunately the dock only has room for two defendants…”