Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?
However, the full horror of global warming has come closer to home after scientists confirmed that the weekend’s early clogging of Britain’s road network by caravans was ‘almost certainly due’ to the effects of global warming. Continue reading
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Filed under environment, News, science
Royal Mail have sensationally sacked maybe their most popular postman Pat Clifton this afternoon. It follows a run of disciplinary actions in recent years since Mr Clifton was appointed head of Special Deliveries in and around the Greendale area.
Spokeswoman for Royal Mail Euphegenia Goggins said this afternoon: “It is with great regret that the company announces the contract of Pat Clifton has been terminated with immediate effect. Since taking on the role of special deliveries in September 2008 Pat has had been tasked with making 1,825 delivers under the Royal Mail Special Delivery premium next day guarantee service. Sadly he has lost or broken 1,819 of these. To be honest we started to think he was sabotaging his own deliveries, only to rescue them again thus appearing as a hero to the local folk.”
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Filed under breaking news, News
Sebastian Vettel in the new Red Anteater
Noses: All of the cars are required to have a nose resembling an animal. Most teams have settled on styling their snouts on crocodiles, anteaters and tapirs. No one has elected to go for an elephant’s trunk. That would be silly. Continue reading
Suspicions were raised when roadside spitoons were found to be empty.
A translation firm specialising in Welsh roadsigns is under fire from auditors, following claims that they were just changing the font.
Bilingual signs ranging from ‘Give Over’, ‘Think bikier’ and ‘You’re Welcome to Wrexham’ had been commissioned through ‘Inphlegmation Services’, and hung all over the hilly area to the left of the country.
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“Guess what you’re going to be today ..”
Tony Benn, whose death has just been announced, started life as a member of the aristocracy and ended it a commoner. In this regard he was the exact opposite of Kate Middleton.
After founding the Monster Raving Loony Party under the pseudonym of Screaming Lord Sutch, he renounced his peerage, moved further to the left and become a member of Harold Wilson’s Labour Government of the 1960’s. As Postmaster General he was responsible for ensuring enough gum was applied to postage stamps and having the Post Office Tower built entirely of Lego bricks.
A noted original political thinker and great orator, he made frequent appearances on shows such as Question Time well into his eighties. “Everyone listened when Tony spoke” said David Dimbleby, paying tribute. “Of course, it was total bollocks, but everyone listened.” Continue reading
Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available
Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.
“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Law and Order, News, Pets
Pope Francis: his first attempt at disguising himself by wearing a sheep was bobbins
Since he moved into the Vatican a year ago today there have been unconfirmed reports that Pope Francis is sneaking out at night to give food and comfort to the homeless. Cynics have wondered how a man so instantly recognisable has been able to do this undetected however the mystery has been solved by the revelation that the pope is wearing a niqab.
“It’s the perfect disguise,” said Vatican spokesman Cardinal Carlo Crivelli. “No one ever really looks at the homeless and a lot of people avert their eyes when they see a woman wearing the niqab so this is a win-win for Papa Francesco.”
Reaching out to the homeless is one of the many things about Pope Francis which unsettles his critics along with his rejection of intense papal bling, and seeming to be quite nice.
Harold resident Cassie Fine spoke for many when she said “It’s confusing having a genuinely good man as pope. It’s not that I want Pope Francis not to be but if he suddenly turned out to be a massive bastard then that would conform to my world view. I’d be relieved in the same way I was when it became obvious that Obama wasn’t going to save the world but bomb more of it. It was crap but expected just like The One Show.”
Now Pope Francis’ cover has been blown the world is waiting to see if any other religious leaders will be revealed to be carrying out good deeds in disguise prompting Paddy Power to offer odds of 5-1 that the Dalai Lama is Batman.
After gaining more powers over the NHS in a commons’ vote last night, Jeremy Hunt has outlined plans to make the health service more efficient and streamlined by closing every hospital.
Under coalition plans, closed hospitals can either be purchased by private healthcare providers, knocked down for housing, or turned into Poundlands.
The health secretary was forced to defend the move. “The NHS costs the taxpayers billions of pounds every year,” he argued.
“So the best thing to do with an organisation that is losing money is to get rid of it, unless it’s a bank of course, then you buy it.”
Concerns have been raised about the small matter of the coalition providing healthcare and a corridor for poor people to die in. However Mr Hunt explained there will be options for those that can’t afford private insurance.
“We will take the example from the education sector and let people set up their own ‘free hospitals’,” he said.
“It’s a great system that lies outside of government control, which means they can be set up without any real doctors.
“I can’t think of anything cheaper than getting a mechanic doing surgery. In fact, anyone that can remove a rib without making the patient buzz and his nose light up is qualified enough for me.”
Despite widespread condemnation of the plans, the health secretary has said he feels he has the full backing of the soon-to-be-redundant nurses in the hospitals.
“I was in Lewisham just the other day and I’m sure heard them all shouting my name in support. ‘Hunt, Hunt, you’re a funky Hunt’ they shouted. I think. Oh wait, maybe it was…oh.”
Following on from the previous success of the OJ Simpson trial, and now the Oscar Pistorius murder trial, Sky have announced the next big ‘celebrity murdering partner’ court case will be pay-per-view.
“Of course it is sad that someone has to die in these cases, and if we could somehow have a murder trial without it then we would,” a Sky Box Office spokesman said.
“But that aside, there is money to be made. With added revenue from an armchair jury willing to pay £15 a week for the entertainment, we could get Ant and Dec to present it with expert analysis from law experts and previous defendants.” Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Entertainment, News
If you don’t know what occasion this picture is a record of then count yourself very lucky.
Prince Edward is fifty today! In celebration we are proud to list his achievements and the reasons he’s a national treasure. Continue reading
Here is a picture of all of North Korea's eligable voters casting their vote
North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has waded into the Ukraine debate today, telling the country to look at his own country’s election that took place today as a beacon of democracy. “This is how governments should be decided,” Mr Kim said in a statement to the Ukrainian politicians.
“People voting not with guns and violence, but with their feet, or for those that haven’t had them chopped off, with their hands.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
Getting your suitcase may take a while
Inventor James Dyson, who winters in Harold, has outlined the genesis of his latest ‘WTF is that?’ product.
“When I got the Christmas lights down from the loft, the ladder was really cold. Some dolt had only gone and stuffed loads of fibreglass wool above the bedroom ceilings, blocking heat from downstairs! So I whacked two 15 kilowatt radiators into the loft for a quick-fix.”
A man has said he is disappointed, upset and overall confused at the new charges on his recent mobile phone bill. The new fees included excess baggage, extra legroom and a large fee for paying his bill by credit card.
“I called my provider and they confirmed the new charges were a result of me putting my phone into ‘airplane mode’,” he told us.
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Back from the dead?
The Pope, 77, was seen in difficulties shortly after the start of the service and had to cut his sermon down to a mere 75 minutes.
Questions about his health have seriously raised the possibility of the return of Pope Benedict who resigned the papacy only last year, ironically due to health issues. Vatican insiders have suggested that Francis may be forced to take a break whilst he regains his strength, which has paved the way for a symbolic resurrection for Benedict in time for Easter.
Whilst Francis was portrayed as a vigorous youth when compared with his predecessor, it has to be acknowledged that in civilian life he would be regarded as an old codger who spends most of his time in post office queues grumbling about Eastern Europeans. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Religion
Maybe this is a bit of a giveaway to photographers looking for a story
The Ministry of Defence is supporting a new charity to help those ministers and senior civil servants who have difficulty walking in public without displaying papers to the cameras of waiting journalists.
‘Help for Zeroes’ was named in recognition of the lowest number of active brain cells held by an idiot leaving a briefing session in Downing Street, carrying Top Secret documents face-outwards. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, International News, News, Politics
I’m used to the cold, but this cold would get right into my bones if I had any
An ancient virus has come back to life after lying dormant for at least 30,000 years and immediately started grumbling about the weather, rude young people, and how everything was better ‘in its day’.
Found frozen in a deep layer of Siberian permafrost the virus was thawed out by French scientists and became infectious once again, before spending fully three hours complaining about everything from the incessant rain to not being able to understand smart phones. Continue reading
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Filed under News
Boris Johnson’s plans to have radicalised children removed from their home seems to have backfired when social workers began taking children out of his old school, Eton.
The Mayor of London said the idea was to try to rehabilitate people that have been brainwashed into thinking they are somehow better than everyone else, and were likely to try and harm others in later years.
“As soon as we were made aware of the scheme we looked around the community to identify any radicalised children,” the head of social services in Windsor told us.
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Fears were expressed for the mental health of athlete Oscar Pistorius, after he bounded into his trial kissed the guard on both cheeks and launched into an acceptance speech thanking “the producers, my parents and, of course, my wonderful girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, without who none of this would have been possible.”
Medical experts believe that Pistorius, the self-styled Blade Runner, may be suffering from a condition known as Oscar Fever which leaves victims believing they are starring in a movie and events of everyday real life are a screenplay they are acting out. It is a common affliction in places such as Hollywood. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Showbusiness
Kensington Palace has announced that as part of his ongoing ‘King’ training, Prince George will join the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on a first-class, all expenses paid trip to New Zealand and Australia.
“It’s not like he had anything else to to,” a palace spokesman told us.
“At the moment he just kind of sits there in a bouncy throne, with people feeding him and wiping his arse, and generally doing not a lot. So all in all his king training is going much better than we could have expected.”
Some are seeing this as yet another example of the Royal Family modernising with the parents of a royal child actually choosing to have him around.
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Filed under International News, News, Royals
Despite the criticism Newcastle United’s Alan Pardew has received from the public, football experts and Robbie Savage for his headbutt on a Hull player, Ed Miliband has said he can see the merits of the management technique of ‘laying one on the nut’ of the opposition’s team.
‘I wouldn’t normally advocate violence unless it involved an army, dodgy evidence and was in a country far from here” the Labour leader said.
“But after watching Match of the Day, the more I think about it the more I can see the benefits of moving Michael Gove out of my way in the voting lobby by “pushing him” with my head. Continue reading
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