Dyson solves yet another problem you didn’t know you had

Getting your suitcase may take a while

Inventor James Dyson, who winters in Harold, has outlined the genesis of his latest ‘WTF is that?’ product.

“When I  got the Christmas lights down from the loft, the ladder was really cold.  Some dolt had only gone and stuffed loads of fibreglass wool above the bedroom ceilings, blocking  heat from downstairs! So  I whacked two 15 kilowatt radiators into the loft for a quick-fix.”

“As an unexpected bonus no snow settled on our roof, although it was a cold winter.” he said adding, with a pensive expression “Actually, the house didn’t really warm up until the spring and our fuel bill was the highest for years, so it must have been very cold. In the summer I  came up with a permanent solution – a 240 volt 30 amp electric heating attachment for the everyday metal loft ladder”.

Dyson came to fame with his cyclone-technology cleaner which, at a stroke, eliminated both bags and decent cleaning. Fortunately, idiots fascinated by novelty see-through casings found watching fluff  more important than efficiency. By then he’d already stunned the gardening community with  his ‘Ballbarrow’ which was essentially a wheelbarrow, with a ball instead of a wheel. No, really.

With his latest product, the billionaire Dyson is keen to return to the UK. “Not for tax purposes of course, we’re not over-keen on that. In fact, if I stay another three hours I’ll be liable for income tax. Can we wrap this up quickly?”

Early trials highlighted a few minor electrical glitches but very few fatalities. “If there is any serious fizzing and sparking though,” says Dyson “turn it off for a while and throw a bucket of water over it. Once those sliding metal rails get arc-welded together it’s a bugger to prise them apart.”

Dyson  suggests using protective eyewear and covering vulnerable body parts in a tough but malleable insulating medium. “‘Laser-safe’ goggles, safety helmet, surgical mask, thick rubber gloves and industrial-strength wellington boots all work quite well.”

“OK, it does make fetching a suitcase down a little slower but you can’t put a price on safety.”