Category Archives: Health

by | October 21, 2014 · 12:45 pm

Badgers demand human cull to prevent spread of Ebola

Revenge? Moi?

Revenge? Moi?

Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.

“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”

“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading →

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by | October 20, 2014 · 2:26 pm

NHS set to offer tape worms to fatties instead of gastric bands

Timmy the Tapeworm ..... and host

Timmy the Tapeworm ….. and host

Instead of spending thousands of pounds on expensive surgery, the NHS is understood to be planning to provide obese patients with their own pet tape worm.

No invasive procedures are required in this breakthrough treatment. In trials, the tape worm was introduced to the patient disguised in a cream cake.  There was one unfortunate incident when a worm was ingested via a burger, but officials at the Dunstable & District General have stressed this was an isolated incident and the kitchen hygiene policy is now being observed.

“At first I was gutted to find I was being given a tape worm instead of a posh gastric band,” said Harold resident  Jane Fondant

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by | October 18, 2014 · 2:24 pm

NHS England to relaunch as a bank to secure future government funding and pay

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NHS England has announced it is to reinvent itself as a bank in order to secure the levels of government funding it needs to provide adequate healthcare and properly paid staff by means of a multi­billion pound bailout.

The news comes on the back of strikes by nursing staff who have had their pay frozen, and as NHS England report it could have a funding shortfall of £2bn.

“We have made savings of nearly £20bn” it said in a statement, “but are currently unable to afford some treatment for illnesses such as cancer, heart disease or MPs’ memory loss.

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by | October 11, 2014 · 10:00 am

Nurse magnet is go! NHS hospitals renting noisiest machines to the selfish

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

Volume-wise this one goes all the way up to eleven

The NHS has launched a new scheme aimed squarely at the selfish and the sociopathic. Hospital patients can now rent any machine that makes a noise guaranteeing them fast and full attention from nurses. Continue reading →

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by | October 10, 2014 · 2:30 pm

What is the link between UKIP and Ebola? Your questions answered

A grim faced Returning Officer prepares to deliver verdict at Clacton.

Clacton’s returning officer last night

There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.

Where does it come from?  The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.

Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.

Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading →

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by | October 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

Public urged to ‘save up’ serious injuries to take pressure off A&E

bean counter

This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.

People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.

Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.

“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”

An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.

“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
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by | October 8, 2014 · 7:00 am

No Ebola in UK: Daily Mail heartbroken

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“Why is everyone so healthy, dammit?” Paul Dacre

It’s a global health crisis that’s slowly but surely breaking the heart of the nation’s scaremonger-in-chief, Paul Dacre. The editor of the Daily Mail is reported to be barely a shadow of himself as day after day Ebola fails to appear in the UK. Continue reading →

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by | October 7, 2014 · 7:00 am

Walkers crisp competition won by ‘Pringles flavour’

pringle flavour

Fans say the flavour is the perfect accompaniment to drool.

Advertising executives for Walkers Crisps were left red-faced today, and not just because of their colossal salt intake.

Following an online vote, the spud spinners announced the new Walkers flavour is ‘Pringles’, with customers favouring the pre-chewed, reconstituted spittle-and potato tang that only tubular near-crisps provide.

“It was a close call”, said Hilda Remington, as she clutched at her heart and gasped for breath. “But in the end, the public have somehow found the energy to have their say.”
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by | September 20, 2014 · 10:06 am

UK sees first cases of ‘man-Ebola’

couch-potatoWives and girlfriends are on high alert as reports emerge of an outbreak of ‘man-Ebola’ in the UK. The man-Ebola virus is so debilitating that men have lain stricken on the couch for weeks on end, unable to do anything more than watch Game of Thrones and football on telly.
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by | September 17, 2014 · 2:00 pm

“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail

 

All these stiffs were breathing before they died.

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading →

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by | September 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

Proton Therapy Centre optimistic Ashya’s family’s finances ‘sufficiently robust to withstand treatment’

No, not your vital signs, it's your stock market performance

No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance

Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.

The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.

Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading →

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by | August 26, 2014 · 11:00 am

New NHS parking charges introduced because Tories were paying too much

NHSStung by criticism of unfair parking charges at NHS hospitals, the Government has announced a number of discounts which will conveniently mean Tory party members enjoying free parking in future.

Revealing the changes, Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt said, “Top tax payers such as doctors and fellow Tories shouldn’t have to suffer the additional stress of having to pay for exorbitant car parking on top of the hassle of working at a hospital or having to visit relatives, too poor to go private.” Continue reading →

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by | August 24, 2014 · 9:00 am

Pack of braying media leeches ‘fear for Paul Gascoigne’s health’

 

Gazza thought the flashing lights when he went out in the morning were to do with his drinking

Gascoigne didn’t realise his blurred vision wasn’t always due to drinking

Paparazzi have asked fans to pray for the recovery of Paul Gascoigne (48 colummn inches).

He was papped earlier this week looking hagard, belying his ability to still shift papers.

The footballing legend is being treated in hospital for a serious illness, which many people feel entitled to be informed about and then make judgements upon.

A worried jackal, Brian (300mm, f stop 5.7), spoke from the scrum outside the hospital ‘I really hope he’s not drinking that gin I gave him, at least not all of it. I bought an appartment on the Algarve thanks to Gazza, and I really owed him one.’

Concerned vampire Simon (50mm, mainly portrait work) agreed. ‘I got him to agree to an exclusive tomorrow, if he makes it through the night. But I also spoke with Geoff, a former team mate (pundit rates, less 10% for cash) who agreed I can make up some quotes for him to say, so I’m covered whatever the outcome.’ Continue reading →

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by | August 11, 2014 · 7:00 am

Nanny knows best: government warning on alcohol says just visualising a pint can kill

article-1294939358729-06a95837000005dc-247194_223x335

Don’t look at this picture if you’re at work, it could render you too intoxicated to carry on

Stringent new rules on alcohol are set to be introduced including health warnings on bottles, and visualising a pint while behind the wheel being enough to put you over the drink-drive limit. Continue reading →

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by | August 4, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Red faced Government officials admit stockpiling antivirus software to deal with Ebola

anti virEmbarrassed Whitehall chumps have admitted that they ordered vast quantities of software from an antivirus specialist to prevent the nation’s computer systems being destroyed by the Ebola virus, ignorant of the fact that the virus was a human infection.

Last night officials were insisting that the correct procedures had been followed whilst recognising that the antivirus software was “probably ineffective” against the killer virus currently rampaging in West Africa. Continue reading →

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by | August 3, 2014 · 12:30 pm

Yoghurt ‘not a dessert’ rules magistrate

yoghurt

Hostage called for clearer labelling on yoghurts.

Children in Harold can no longer be fobbed off with yoghurt after a meal, following a ruling by magistrate Danielle Hostage.

Local child Chloe Ackroyd (11) took her case to court, after being denied a Jaffa Cake on several occasions. Parents Jeremy and Michelle Ackroyd admitted trying to pass off something healthy as a treat, and asked for a banana and a box of raisins to be taken into account.

“There is a natural order to din-dins, whether it be a packed lunch or picnic”, ruled Hostage. “And it shall not be deemed to have ended satisfactorily until there is mini-rolls, ice cream or biscuits.”
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by | July 18, 2014 · 7:00 am

Coastguard launches ‘Fatties on the Beach’ warning flag

BeachFlag

Beaches displaying the new flag may be heavily pot-marked.

Britain’s coastguard has introduced a new warning flag, to alert holiday-makers to the risk of beach fatties.

Resplendent in two colours of sunburn and a symbol representing an ‘inny’ belly button, the flag draws attention to the chance of big bathers.

“There are many dangers along our coast, and we’ve got a number of flags to highlight them”, said warden Helen Evans. “But until now, there’s been nothing to prepare you for the vision of a fat lad wearing Speedos on a li-lo.”
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by | July 3, 2014 · 7:00 am

Glasgow tackles health crisis with heroin/fast food fusion cooking

fat junk

If only they could meet in the middle.

Glasgow could tackle its current health crisis by dropping an ‘either/or’ approach to heroin and yellow food that comes from the chip shop.

That’s the claim of a dietician who is trying to find out why so many Glaswegians are morbidly obese, despite the widespread availability of skag.

“I visited the morgue and was quietly poking a fat corpse when someone told me that the city was awash with diacetylmorphine”, said Dr Charlotte Bainbrough.

“At first I thought ‘Does that mean heroin is fattening?’ but then remembered it probably wasn’t. Could the problem be a lack of dietary balance?”
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by | June 28, 2014 · 7:30 am

Hunt promises to publish NHS’s entire Catalogue of Errors

The officially approved NHS logo

The officially approved NHS logo

The Health Secretary confirmed that the Government is to publish the dossier which details every blunder currently possible under the National Health Service.

Speaking in Parliament, Jeremy Hunt confirmed that the publication of the so called “Catalogue of Errors” will enable patients to choose which bungle they would prefer in the probable likelihood of an error taking place. Continue reading →

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by | June 27, 2014 · 2:00 pm

‘Earliest’ man bag suggests neanderthals moisturised

neanderthal

Neanderthal man: hunter gathering no excuse for bad skin.

Just days after the revelation that neanderthals ate salad, archeologists have unearthed an ancient hemp bag full of male vanity products.

The shoulder bag features exquisite stitching on the shoulder strap and a pouch for some tweezers. The team think the items inside were used for daily rituals, and may give clues as to how our ancestors died out.

“These people obviously took male grooming seriously”, said researcher Karl Fronzt. “We found this in an area with a high density of discarded woolen swabs and an earthenware pot full of chlorine.”

“That points to a highly evolved society that wasn’t afraid to suffer for beauty. It’s clear to me that this area was used for anal bleaching.”
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