“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, has welcomed the study’s findings; they have long advanced the psychological benefits of being able to chose to have reduced lung capacity, wheezing and emphysema.

Whilst Dr Evans says the project team will now investigate whether an absence of breath is a potential cure for death, Health Secretary Jeremey Hunt is urging a degree of caution. “Our advice is don’t stop breathing until you have spoken to your doctor”.

“Unless you’re on benefits, when different criteria apply. If that’s you, Iain Duncan Smith will be contacting you separately with details.”