Nurse magnet is go! NHS hospitals renting noisiest machines to the selfish


Volume-wise this one goes all the way up to eleven

The NHS has launched a new scheme aimed squarely at the selfish and the sociopathic. Hospital patients can now rent any machine that makes a noise guaranteeing them fast and full attention from nurses.

With sales reps going from bed-to-bed anyone who hands over their credit card will soon find themselves wearing state-of-the-art noise cancelling headphones and surrounded by machines bleeping like a nest of hungry birds. Only set at a pitch and volume that would have even the Dali Lama grating his teeth.

As well as being a nurse magnet renting machines will allow the strange and the warped to pretend to be a lot sicker than they are in order to emotionally manipulate their nearest and dearest for financial and/or sexual gain.

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has denied that there is anything inherently flawed about the new scheme describing it at a press conference as “a satisfying crossover between private enterprise and a beloved national institution.”

When asked if he thought it was morally wrong Hunt appeared to be unfamiliar with the concept and looked blank until asked whether or not the NHS would be privatised. At that point, according to onlookers, he lit up “like a freaking rocket” and seemed unable to stop laughing.


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