Just days after the revelation that neanderthals ate salad, archeologists have unearthed an ancient hemp bag full of male vanity products.
The shoulder bag features exquisite stitching on the shoulder strap and a pouch for some tweezers. The team think the items inside were used for daily rituals, and may give clues as to how our ancestors died out.
“These people obviously took male grooming seriously”, said researcher Karl Fronzt. “We found this in an area with a high density of discarded woolen swabs and an earthenware pot full of chlorine.”
“That points to a highly evolved society that wasn’t afraid to suffer for beauty. It’s clear to me that this area was used for anal bleaching.”
A tube made from mammoth intestines contained a smooth, white emulsion: Fronzt explained to us how this could reduce crow’s feet.
“We rubbed a sample into a reconstruction of a neanderthal’s head: it took years off him almost immediately. He looked less threatening, healthier and more emotionally intelligent. It’s easy to see why early man initiated some interbreeding.”
However, Fronzt believes that vanity may have been the undoing of the neanderthals: their soft, hairless bodies would have been irresistible to tigers.
“A caveman by comparison would be like finding one of those pork scratchings with all bristles on. And besides: it’s harder to run away if you’re wearing a half-thong and flip-flops.”