Category Archives: Culture

by | December 18, 2013 · 11:00 am

Archaeologists find ancient visitor centre below new Stonehenge visitor centre

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Archaeologists have found earthen jam jars, crude tea towels and an early pen with a feather stuck in it.

A team of archaeologists has made a startling discovery near Stonehenge – an ancient visitor centre, dating back to the Mesolithic period.

Crudely constructed from stone and featuring ramp access for chariots, the ancient visitor centre was found while digging the foundations for a new visitor centre on the same spot.

“At first we weren’t sure what we’d found, which means it was definitely for ritual purposes”, said local historian George Hubert. “But we kept on digging, and soon discovered what appeared to be a diorama.”

The diorama is thought to represent the famous circle of standing stones, but was clearly made from old teeth and bits of knee caps.
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by | December 15, 2013 · 10:42 pm

Independence custody battle starts as Andy Murray awarded Sports Personality Of The Year

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In what some are calling “the custody battle of the century”, Andy Murray has been awarded the Sports Personality Of The Year in an attempt to secure his full British status after Scottish independence.

“We have given him the award to recognise his amazing achievements over the last year” the British said. “And make sure we have him Monday to Friday, but we are willing to let Scotland have him at weekends and Boxing Day.”

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by | December 12, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Pope fights off right-wing nut job and war criminal to win Person of the Year

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Pope Francis has been named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”, narrowly beating of competition from others on the short list, including Syrian president and alleged war criminal Bashir al-Assad.

The head of the Roman Catholic church has been praised for the way he has pulled “the papacy out of the palace and into the streets” before retreating back in to palace and having some if the finest possessions and food known to man, managing director Nancy Gibbs explained.
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by | · 7:00 am

Church to offer ‘Vegas-style weddings’, swapping Elvis for Cliff Richard

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A local Church has decided to start offering Vegas-style weddings in a bid to increase tourism levels in the village of Harold, but instead of Elvis performing the ceremony, there will be a distinctively British feel with the Vicar dressing up as Cliff Richard.

“I was on holiday in Vegas in the summer and was amazed at the amount of chapels offering people the chance to be married by an Elvis impersonator,” Reverend Tansy Forster explained.

“So I thought ‘what us the closest thing we have to Elvis?’ and Sir Cliff seemed like the obvious answer. Continue reading →

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by | December 9, 2013 · 11:00 am

The Hobbit: Heigh-ho, more Dwarves

F I L M    R E V I E W

Mariella Buss-Stop gets to see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

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As an aficionado of all of films in the Hobbit franchise, I was delighted to attend the district premiere of the latest offering at the Harold Empire so I could catch up with the latest adventures of Bilbo, Frodo and Dildo.

Now, it could be down to the effects of a rather jolly lunch or tiredness from last night’s Christmas lock-in but I have to admit to finding the film rather confusing and from the moment I thought I recognised Tom Cruise as Shorty, one of the seven dwarves, I rather lost concentration. Continue reading →

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by | December 6, 2013 · 11:00 am

Man sees his three-year-old in the flesh for first time after his iPad battery runs out

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A man has had the emotional experience of seeing his three-year-old son in the flesh for the first time. The emotional reunion came as the man’s ipad unexpectedly run out of power.

“From the moment he popped his head into this world, I have proudly captured every moment of his life on my iPad, no matter how silly I looked filming on a tablet” the man told us.

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by | December 5, 2013 · 7:00 am

Ancient cave painting thought to be first example of MP’s expense claim

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Fifteen years of research on cave paintings in Harold Gorge has come to the conclusion the markings are an early example of a cave-man parliamentarian’s expenses claim.

“The first few items indicated these drawings may have been a way for a cave-man to document the time he lived in” local historian, Sam Tully explained. “We are used to seeing images of predators and family.

“But we really got confused by the pictures of a chauffeur driven walrus and cart, badger fur rug, and detailed drawing of a moat being cleaned.”

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by | November 29, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Protected status sought for Harold Frog Sandwich

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Harold Frog Sandwich has ‘spawned’ imitators.

A campaign has been launched in the village of Harold, to seek EC recognition for their traditional frog sandwich.

But Residents of the nearby village of Drone! – regarded by generations of Haroldites as their rivals and inferiors –  insist the snack is a pale imitation of their own signature dish, the marginally bulkier Drone! Toad Panini.

Harold councillor Ron Ronnson dismissed such claims, and called on Drone! to ‘eat up or put up’.

“If anything, Drone! blatantly copied us”, insisted Ronnson. “Those buggers are always trying to cause trouble. They only added the exclamation mark to their name to make the place seem more interesting. But let me tell you: no self-respecting frog would find itself dead being eaten in Drone!.”
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by | November 21, 2013 · 2:00 pm

The Jeremy Kyle Show board game – in shops for Christmas

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Batteries, security and toothless idiots not included

Following on from previous successful television show themed board games, the makers of The Jeremy Kyle Show have revealed a new board game based on the controversial chat show, to be in the shops in time for Christmas.

The game contains all of the elements of the programme, including a DNA kit, a lie detector, a blow up audience and an after-game care team.

“People love spending Boxing Day with the family playing ‘who wants to be a millionaire,” Kyle told reporters at the launch in a Toys ‘R’ Us store.

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by | · 11:00 am

Mensa open up membership to highly attractive simpletons

mensalogoIn a move variously stated as being ‘inclusive’ or ‘desperate’, Mensa announced the creation of an associate member category called ‘Lensa’ based on looks rather than IQ. The new Lensa category is open to people who are in the 98th percentile of physical attractiveness regardless of whether they can recite Pi to 10 places or not.

Mensa spokesman Ethan Evans from Harold said that opening up membership was necessary to address the problem that none of the existing members were getting it on with each other.
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by | November 20, 2013 · 9:29 am

Hull to be UK City of Culture 2017

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Celebrations are in full swing in Hull

Hull, known for being the home of poet Philip Larkin, the Ferens gallery and the Truck theatre, will follow the 2013 City of Culture, Londonderry.

The UK government chooses a new destination every four years, with the aim of helping tourism and the economy.

Hull council leader Stephen Brady said winning was “a real game-changer”.

He added: “It will give Hull a platform to tell the world what this great city has to offer, transform perceptions and accelerate our journey to make Hull a prime visitor destination.”

TV producer Phil Redmond, who chaired the City of Culture panel, said Hull was the unanimous choice because it put forward “the most compelling case based on its theme as ‘a city coming out of the shadows'”.

[Editor’s note: Sharp-eyed readers will notice that this report is copied verbatim from the BBC website. We apologise, but unfortunately we were unable to make it any funnier.]

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by | November 19, 2013 · 11:00 am

Harold fails in bid for Blue Flag Award for third year running

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Brown, sticky and foul-smelling, Harold hopes to compete with Southend-on-Sea.

A meeting of the culture and amenities sub-committee in Harold has expressed disappointment over the village’s failure to win a coveted Blue Flag Award for the third year in a row.

The rejection email cited ‘poor water quality, a general lack of ice-cream kiosks, bucket-and-spade retailers and lifeboats.  Oh, and not being located at the seaside.’

But, rather than just record ‘downhearted’ in the minutes, the committee used positive thinking and came up with a proposal to give Harold a better chance of getting a Blue Flag next year.
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by | November 17, 2013 · 11:00 am

Toy JFK Assassination Kit launched

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It’s all very tasteful

The lucrative JFK-Shooting-50th-Anniversary market looks set to welcome one of the biggest hitters in Harold’s lucrative Toy sector.

Ray Dubbins of ToysR our business explains “Our starter kit includes a presidential limousine, complete with two versions each of JFK,  the First Lady and the other one –‘before’ and ‘after’ – and a Lee Harvey Oswald sniper figure which you could place anywhere; on a bookshelf perhaps.”

Beyond this, the sky’s the limit and encompasses most popular conspiracy theories. “You could get a grassy knoll; a Jack Ruby action-man, with realistic bulge under his jacket; a set of Mafia bosses in a huddle, complete with Capo di tutti capi, and a working Frank Sinatra.” Continue reading →

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by | November 12, 2013 · 11:55 am

Parents to be bribed to feed, wash and dress their children

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The government and a private research company have announced they are to encourage mothers to breast feed by offering them £200 in shopping vouchers.

If the scheme is successful, they will roll out the scheme to cover other areas of parenting including playing, washing and clothing children.

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by | · 11:00 am

Star Wars fans angry at news next movie will be set around Bristol

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These aren’t the droids Eeyore looking for

Star Wars fans were venting their anger this morning after news leaked out from Disney studios that unusually for the series, the next Star Wars film will be set “largely in Bristol and Somerset.”

The current open casting auditions in Bristol had led some film buffs to question whether characters from the next film would have West Country accents, and it now seems that this is no accident.

“We’re really excited at the prospect of filming in the south west of England,” explained a Disney spokesperson today. “It’s a lovely part of the world, and fits very well with the plot of the next movie, which I can’t give away but is heavily based around cider.”
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by | November 9, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Wheelie bin hopes for droid role at Star Wars auditions

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‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.

A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.

Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.

“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”

Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.
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by | · 2:00 pm

Wheelie bin hopes for droid role at Star Wars auditions

starwarsqueue

‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.

A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.

Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.

“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”

Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.

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by | October 30, 2013 · 7:00 am

Giraffes wear Nick Clegg masks after failing to solve leaf eating puzzle

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‘I looked ridiculous’, claimed blue-tongued, 30-foot tall freak.

A leaf eating puzzle sweeping Africa has resulted in almost all giraffes wearing Nick Clegg masks for the next three days. The seemingly simple puzzle spread rapidly via Savannah media and was the talk of waterholes up and down Africa and beyond. The rare giraffes that solved the puzzle got to feel smug, and the masses that failed had to wear the Clegg mask and thus looked even smugger.

The puzzle involved a giraffe hearing their parents call from the waterhole 200 metres away. It is 3.00am and the parents have a bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, a bag of healthy leaves, and a bag of decorative leaves. The giraffes were asked what they would open first.

95% of giraffes said they would open the bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, 4% opted to open the door and then open the bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, and 1% said they would open their eyes and then get straight into the tasty and hallucinogenic leaves.

The puzzle caused furious debate throughout Africa, with accusations of unclear wording and outright cheating.
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by | October 29, 2013 · 11:00 am

George Osborne’s hair to headline Glastonbury

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Osborne will perform tracks by The Ramones, Joy Division and Bob the Builder.

Chancellor George Osborne is hoping to boost his popularity, by taking his new ‘mod’ hair on the road and playing at Glastonbury.

Osborne, who now drops his aitches and calls the festival ‘Glasto’, has been remodelled into what politicians believe is ‘the average punter’.

“Plebs ‘n that, they don’ like airs n’ graces an’ all that”, explained Osborne. “So ar’ve decided to be meself, or at least be the meself that wouldn’t have been bullied quite so relentlessly at school.”
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by | October 20, 2013 · 11:08 am

Costa Concordia trance CD sold for €9.50

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Captain Schettino raised the alarm by posting this picture on Facebook

A late 20th Century trance CD recovered from the Costa Concordia has been sold at auction for a little over its reserve.

The album is rumoured to have belonged to Captain Francesco Schettino himself, it’s thought he played it to keep himself calm as he watched his ship slowly sink.

Auction house Sotheby’s were keen to emphasise the outstanding condition of the piece, which had no signs of water damage and all the little plastic teeth still in the middle.

Julie Carmichael explained that the remarkable state of preservation was one of the reasons it fetched nearly a tenner. She thinks that’s down to the Captain’s selfless bid to save the collection of house hits, before abandoning his ship almost before the alarms sounded.
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