Category Archives: Business

iPhone 6 introduces convenient way to pay for iPhone 7

iphone

iPhone 6 will feature pre-shattered screen, so owners can boast of being first to break one.

Apple has announced that the new iPhone 6 will make electronic purchases easier, so owners can splash out on must-have gadgets such as the forthcoming iPhone 7.

“When we were designing the iPhone 6, we asked ourselves ‘what do our customers really want?'” revealed CEO Tim Cook. “We quickly realised that what they desire most in the world is the future iPhone 7.”

The newish iPhone 6, available in lamb and bacon flavours, is compatible with most of the tills in Apple’s stores. Pundits predict that should help boost sales when the iPhone 7 is released in October.
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Village souvenir tea towels replaced with novelty dishwasher tablets

tablet

Nigella will gnaw off the blue bits if Scotland votes for independence.

A village post office has finally updated its stock of gifts – out go tea towels, and in come souvenir dishwasher tablets.

Complete with a commemorative range of rinse aids and 3 kilo sacks of salt, Harold will once again rekindle holiday memories while people wash up the pots.

“Some of these tea towels have been here for nearly ten years”, admitted post mistress Nigella Bunting. “For some reason, visitors don’t want to associate our village with ball-aching drudgery. So I came up with the idea of upgrading to these 2-in-1 gel bags: they wash plates while they remind you of visiting here by accident on that day when the M1 was closed.”
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Architect redesigns humans to complement new office

office

Another office ruined by an unaesthetic member of staff.

An architect behind an expansive, minimalist office has revealed plans to make the people inside complement the aesthetic.

Xorex Global Inc. commissioned Harold architect Joseph Blythe to design their new head offices, only to discover their staff made the place ‘look a bit shit’.

“It’s rather churlish of them really”, said Blythe . “I’ve studied ‘Nihon kenchiku’ for 15 years and have a wonderful grasp of space and light. But I shouldn’t be expected to accomodate the sort of lumpen worker who buys suits from Tesco, and thinks comedy socks somehow ‘brighten the place up’.”

Blythe revealed the new human will be allowed to vary slightly in size. “Each managerial level will be occupied by adults 2.3% larger than the one below, to subtly reflect their status”, he explained.

“But throughout the concept, each will maintain a pleasing BMI of 18.7, which best reflects the trapezoidal pillars in the central atrium.”
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by | August 1, 2014 · 11:00 am

Stephen Hawking vouches for mathematical accuracy of local 3-bean salad

'To me, beans means Heinz Wolff' - Stephen Hawking

‘To me, beans means Heinz Wolff’ – Stephen Hawking

Trading Standards were left red-faced today after a case they brought against a local eatery was thrown out by a magistrate.

The case was brought against Pippa Delaney, owner of Harold vegetarian restaurant Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!, under the Foods Description Act.

However, the magistrate said there was no case to answer after a top mathematician vouched for the accuracy of the restaurant’s labelling.

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Food, Law and Order

Sofa sales pitch enters third day

DFS

Couple said to be comfortable, but fearful for their bank details.

A couple from Harold are still being held in a furniture warehouse, after negotiations for free scatter cushions collapsed.

Beryl and Joseph Blythe were taken by a sales representative, after mistaking the Dunstable branch of DFS for a safe Habitat.

“As soon as we saw the ‘sale’ signs, I knew we were in trouble”, said Joseph Blythe, through a line set up by police. “We should have run, but Beryl had been lulled into a false state of chaise longueing.”
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Wonga victims ‘allowed to fake compensation interest rates’

puppet

Fake lawyer worked for some right counts.

People who fell foul of Wonga’s badly made, fake lawyers are already fabricating their own interest rates for compensation.

Not content with using fake old people as well as a forged moral compass, Wonga avoided paying for real legal representation by using a sock puppet with two blood-sucking fangs.

Pippa Delaney from Harold has yet to settle on the final settlement figure.
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Jihadists take over refinery; introduce Lean Manufacturing and Flexible Working

isis

Some have criticised Jihadist management techniques as ‘crude’.

Islamic insurgents who took over an oil refinery in Iraq are confident they ‘have what it takes’ to run the plant efficiently.

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi addressed his associates, while clutching an AK-47 and a Six Sigma training manual.

“Allah Akbar, change management is great”, said al-Baghdadi. “This new agile way of working will value all partners equally, especially those infidels who have relevant engineering qualifications.”

Al-Baghdadi explained how his first initiative was to introduce a flat management structure. “I did this by entering the boardroom and gunning everyone down, and then leaving the bodies to lay on the floor. It was a frank but constructive meeting, we do not have a blame culture.”
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Tesco takes on Aldi by monetizing food banks

foodbank express

Very little help.

In an effort to win back market share from budget brand shops, Tesco are taking on Aldi by buying up a range of charity food banks.

With Sainsburys relaunching Netto, Tesco are keen to compete in the shame end of the market. “We’re talking abject humiliation here, not the mild embarrassment of our long-standing ‘Value’ range.”

“We thought of bringing back Happy Shopper, I certainly remember being bullied for having their crisps in my school lunch box”, said Tesco director Alan Soylent. “But our research shows that ‘food banks’ are currently dominating the downtrodden sector. Shame is very marketable at the moment.”

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Filed under Business, Economy, Politics

Charity shop full of unwanted England flags mistaken for BNP headquarters

charity shop

Some shop visitors find a flag in their size.

With England as good as out of the World Cup, a charity shop in Harold has been mistaken for a BNP outlet after receiving hundreds of old, unwanted England flags.

Doris Kettle works in the store for a few hours a week, and has been staggered by the response.

“Normally we find it hard to find volunteers, but since Friday morning we’ve been inundated with fat, tattooed, shaven headed men asking if they can sign up to ‘help the cause'”, revealed Kettle.

“Now that we have 15 on every shift I’m a bit scared to tell them the money goes to poor Africans.”

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Tesco in-store speed bumps will tackle ‘mobility scooter menace’

scooters

Cake and biscuits can also be used to slow scooters down.

Tesco has announced a range of mobility scooter calming measures, including speed bumps placed at regular intervals in the aisles.

Analysts have linked Tesco’s fall in profits with last year’s purchase of a Sunset Freedom Anklebain by Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. Draped in rain gear and cackling manically as she careers around the store while high on Sanatogen, some shoppers are so desperate they’re even taking their chances in Lidl.

Store manager Paul Watts hopes to restore some civility to his store, and the speed bumps are just one part of a strategy to get Doris to ‘Slow the Hell Down’.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Health, Transport

Bank insists customer service will not suffer as entire call centre outsourced to family of badgers

callcentre

Hello, how can I snuffle snuffle snuffle snuffle?

Bank of Harold bosses have dismissed as ‘scaremongering’ union claims that customer service would be affected following the bank’s move to replace all call centre staff with a large colony of badgers.

Bank chiefs insist that it is unrealistic to expect to pay human wages in the current economic climate, and point out that the considerable savings made will be sufficient to safeguard the bonus structure for several years to come.

“The real beauty of the plan is that badgers don’t require money,” explained CEO Howard Bing. “In fact, they have no concept of finance whatsoever, preferring an entirely slug- and beetle-based economy, where immediate consumption is very much the norm. And with the slug/pound exchange rate where it is right now, we’re quids in.”

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‘Misleading’ Centre Parcs ad ‘showed visitor who still had some money left’

money burn

Slightly cheaper than burning an approved fire log.

An advert for holiday sharks Centre Parcs has been banned, after claims that it showed a visitor who still had a penny to his name.

Amidst the normal crowd of gaunt faces and children dressed in rags was a man looking at a menu, and wondering whether to buy chips.

“The very idea that anyone can come away from Centre Parcs while still remaining solvent is a disgusting distortion of the truth”, said campaigner Pippa Delaney.

“We’d done most of our money before we’d left the car park and had to spend the remaining four days eating soil. We just sat in our chalet trying to remember how to play charades, and fantasising about cooking a swan over one of their £87 fire logs.”
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‘Want to get on? Then get a head start.’ Cameron tells youngsters

103185196_269810c

Not handed to me on just any old plate. It was solid silver, half an inch thick and this big

Poor qualifications may mean British youngsters losing out on jobs, fears the Prime Minister. 

“My own father was good at Maths and English” he said yesterday “He could add up money and read tax law, which meant I had the qualifications to get into Eton College, after which it was onwards and upwards. If I have one question for aspirational young people, looking for opportunities today, it is this – do your parents have pots of money?” Continue reading

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Panda ‘pregnant’ after Tian Tian replaced by randy spaniel

panda dog (2)

New pandas ‘up to 90% more randier’.

Edinburgh zoo is celebrating their first panda pregnancy, after doctors substituted the female with a spaniel in heat.

Tian Tian had initially appeared reluctant to mate with the male panda, Yang Guang. But by pioneering a technique that saw the female bear trapped under a bucket and replaced with a smallish three year-old dog, experts hoped to dramatically increase the chances of conception.

Expert Brian Sweeney explained that it hadn’t all been plain sailing.
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‘Beef costs more than horse’ Tesco tell shareholders as profits fall

20140416-075214.jpg

Tesco have this morning announced a 6% fall in annual profits. They have explained to shareholders that the only reason for the fall is they have spent the last 12 months using the actual ingredients printed on packets.

“A year on from ‘lasagne-gate’ we are now required to use real beef in beef products, not the latest casualty of the 3:15 at Ascot,” said Philip Clarke, Tesco PLC’s Chief Executive.

“But that’s not all. Customers expectation are much higher than in previous years so all of our range has become more truthful, and that costs money. Continue reading

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Translator wins Chinese contract, joy radiance abounds

A happy, long man is upwording for China, in a moneybelt stuffer to glory.

grass

Unenglishing backwards can also be attend.

Malcolm ‘Translator’ Evans, clear minded and winsome, will do english from the stuff China are pouting.

“Its been a mind tapper for some period of doubt in my wallet”, beamed Evans, taller now and communistically handsome. “I word to the wise, harsh wood softly poken. Never capitals, you bellowing prannet.”
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“Thanks for calling Samaritans. Press 1 for ‘I’m a bit sad …'”

tescotrust

We did find the ‘Samaritans’ logo but  we really like them and couldn’t resist the irony of: ‘Tesco, Charity & Trust’

A recent Government announcement means a big shake up  for all UK charities. “As a Conservative I detest the public sector as an article of faith but I loathe ‘something for nothing’ even more.” says charities minister Nick Hurd “So we’re nationalising bigger charities, before selling them on to friends, and generally buggering about with the rest. Sorry? Because we can, that’s why.”

Sadly, not all charities are easily monetised and Hurd cites Samaritans as the worst offender in this respect. “It’s almost as if the last thirty years of management analysis had simply passed them by. Basically they’re still just talking with people, which is plain daft and very labour-intensive”. Continue reading

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‘Shocking’ price of England shirts forces squad to play in ‘skins’

shirtless

Not struggling with a shirt will give Rooney more time to focus on his shoelaces.

England’s football team has reacted angrily to the £90 price tag on their shirts, and are threatening to appear at the World Cup in ‘skins’.

With money tight for the average Premiership footballer, many in the squad feel they have no choice but to play topless in Brazil later this year.

Star striker Wayner Rooney wasn’t impressed with the new design. ‘They’ve not even spelled ‘England’ right on mine, but the teacher has still given it a gold star’ said a clearly angry Wayne.

Roy Hodgson later pointed out to him that it actually said ‘Rooney’. ‘I knowed that’ said the player. ‘Am we playing for Rooney now?’
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Tesco inflicts superstore on model village

mini tesco

Visitors can earn Clubcard points just by staring at the monstrosity.

Lawyers for Tesco are celebrating a famous victory, after successfully imposing a massive superstore on a model village.

‘Lillyharold’, a miniature village filled with tudor cottages, duck ponds and a perfectly-to-scale plague pit, has delighted visitors for over 50 years.

But now tourists are finding themselves drawn to a monstrous glass-and-steel carbuncle, stifling interest in the nearby greengrocers, butchers and turn-of-the-century phone shop.

Capability Evans has tended Lillyharold for the past 25 years, and is devastated by the effect the small enormous Tesco has had.

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Post-It Notes cosmetics range ‘perfect for busy working mums’

bitofslap

Beauty is only paper thin.

Stationery giants Post-It Notes have launched a range of peel-on-and-off cosmetics, for women who put more of a priority on ‘me time’ than ‘face time’.

Claiming to put ‘the slap back into slap’, blemishes are now a thing of the past, once a square of pre-gummed paper has been banged over the offending area.

Available in a choice of colours and easily reused, the range includes concealers, tanning squares and a selection of indelible eyebrows.

“The latest trend for people to remove their real eyebrows and then draw them back in with a marker pen got us thinking”, said Post-It’s head reminderologist Felicity Hamilton. “It can be really hard using a permanent Sharpie in a mirror, especially if you’re a klutz. A lot of bleary-eyed ladies are tending to go out these days looking like badly drawn morons.”
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