Ireland: Phwoar, look at the Causeway on that.
“You’re beautiful Ireland, you know that? You’re amazing with your, with your, with your hills and your Causeway and all the stuff. M’not just saying that because I’ve had a drink. But I have had a drink and I’ve had it for you! It’s your special day and I’m going to celebrate it sooo hard cos I love ya! I love ya. Continue reading
Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?
However, the full horror of global warming has come closer to home after scientists confirmed that the weekend’s early clogging of Britain’s road network by caravans was ‘almost certainly due’ to the effects of global warming. Continue reading
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Filed under environment, News, science
Royal Mail have sensationally sacked maybe their most popular postman Pat Clifton this afternoon. It follows a run of disciplinary actions in recent years since Mr Clifton was appointed head of Special Deliveries in and around the Greendale area.
Spokeswoman for Royal Mail Euphegenia Goggins said this afternoon: “It is with great regret that the company announces the contract of Pat Clifton has been terminated with immediate effect. Since taking on the role of special deliveries in September 2008 Pat has had been tasked with making 1,825 delivers under the Royal Mail Special Delivery premium next day guarantee service. Sadly he has lost or broken 1,819 of these. To be honest we started to think he was sabotaging his own deliveries, only to rescue them again thus appearing as a hero to the local folk.”
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Filed under breaking news, News
Sebastian Vettel in the new Red Anteater
Noses: All of the cars are required to have a nose resembling an animal. Most teams have settled on styling their snouts on crocodiles, anteaters and tapirs. No one has elected to go for an elephant’s trunk. That would be silly. Continue reading
Artist’s impression of completed barn re-conversion.
Touched by the plight of lambing sheep stranded on the Somerset Levels, Harold architect Joseph Blythe has applied to Harold Council for permission to convert his high-spec open-plan living accommodation back into the barn from which he created it a decade ago.
“It’s a long-term job that’s going to cost a lot of money,” he said, but remains undaunted by the scale of the project, which involves ripping out the balconied mezzanine above the main living area and replacing it with a simple hayloft and digging up the Italian stone floor tiles to create a soil-level sleeping area for the sheep. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Farming, floods, Lifestyle, Nature, Pets
Suspicions were raised when roadside spitoons were found to be empty.
A translation firm specialising in Welsh roadsigns is under fire from auditors, following claims that they were just changing the font.
Bilingual signs ranging from ‘Give Over’, ‘Think bikier’ and ‘You’re Welcome to Wrexham’ had been commissioned through ‘Inphlegmation Services’, and hung all over the hilly area to the left of the country.
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“Guess what you’re going to be today ..”
Tony Benn, whose death has just been announced, started life as a member of the aristocracy and ended it a commoner. In this regard he was the exact opposite of Kate Middleton.
After founding the Monster Raving Loony Party under the pseudonym of Screaming Lord Sutch, he renounced his peerage, moved further to the left and become a member of Harold Wilson’s Labour Government of the 1960’s. As Postmaster General he was responsible for ensuring enough gum was applied to postage stamps and having the Post Office Tower built entirely of Lego bricks.
A noted original political thinker and great orator, he made frequent appearances on shows such as Question Time well into his eighties. “Everyone listened when Tony spoke” said David Dimbleby, paying tribute. “Of course, it was total bollocks, but everyone listened.” Continue reading
We have no idea what’s going on there but we’re sure it’s more exciting than an inter-department strategy meeting.
Workplaces across the country are empty or severely understaffed this morning as hundreds of thousands of people have called in sick with Titanfall plague. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, Technology
Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available
Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.
“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Law and Order, News, Pets
Pope Francis: his first attempt at disguising himself by wearing a sheep was bobbins
Since he moved into the Vatican a year ago today there have been unconfirmed reports that Pope Francis is sneaking out at night to give food and comfort to the homeless. Cynics have wondered how a man so instantly recognisable has been able to do this undetected however the mystery has been solved by the revelation that the pope is wearing a niqab.
“It’s the perfect disguise,” said Vatican spokesman Cardinal Carlo Crivelli. “No one ever really looks at the homeless and a lot of people avert their eyes when they see a woman wearing the niqab so this is a win-win for Papa Francesco.”
Reaching out to the homeless is one of the many things about Pope Francis which unsettles his critics along with his rejection of intense papal bling, and seeming to be quite nice.
Harold resident Cassie Fine spoke for many when she said “It’s confusing having a genuinely good man as pope. It’s not that I want Pope Francis not to be but if he suddenly turned out to be a massive bastard then that would conform to my world view. I’d be relieved in the same way I was when it became obvious that Obama wasn’t going to save the world but bomb more of it. It was crap but expected just like The One Show.”
Now Pope Francis’ cover has been blown the world is waiting to see if any other religious leaders will be revealed to be carrying out good deeds in disguise prompting Paddy Power to offer odds of 5-1 that the Dalai Lama is Batman.
Beauty is only paper thin.
Stationery giants Post-It Notes have launched a range of peel-on-and-off cosmetics, for women who put more of a priority on ‘me time’ than ‘face time’.
Claiming to put ‘the slap back into slap’, blemishes are now a thing of the past, once a square of pre-gummed paper has been banged over the offending area.
Available in a choice of colours and easily reused, the range includes concealers, tanning squares and a selection of indelible eyebrows.
“The latest trend for people to remove their real eyebrows and then draw them back in with a marker pen got us thinking”, said Post-It’s head reminderologist Felicity Hamilton. “It can be really hard using a permanent Sharpie in a mirror, especially if you’re a klutz. A lot of bleary-eyed ladies are tending to go out these days looking like badly drawn morons.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Fashion
After gaining more powers over the NHS in a commons’ vote last night, Jeremy Hunt has outlined plans to make the health service more efficient and streamlined by closing every hospital.
Under coalition plans, closed hospitals can either be purchased by private healthcare providers, knocked down for housing, or turned into Poundlands.
The health secretary was forced to defend the move. “The NHS costs the taxpayers billions of pounds every year,” he argued.
“So the best thing to do with an organisation that is losing money is to get rid of it, unless it’s a bank of course, then you buy it.”
Concerns have been raised about the small matter of the coalition providing healthcare and a corridor for poor people to die in. However Mr Hunt explained there will be options for those that can’t afford private insurance.
“We will take the example from the education sector and let people set up their own ‘free hospitals’,” he said.
“It’s a great system that lies outside of government control, which means they can be set up without any real doctors.
“I can’t think of anything cheaper than getting a mechanic doing surgery. In fact, anyone that can remove a rib without making the patient buzz and his nose light up is qualified enough for me.”
Despite widespread condemnation of the plans, the health secretary has said he feels he has the full backing of the soon-to-be-redundant nurses in the hospitals.
“I was in Lewisham just the other day and I’m sure heard them all shouting my name in support. ‘Hunt, Hunt, you’re a funky Hunt’ they shouted. I think. Oh wait, maybe it was…oh.”
Following on from the previous success of the OJ Simpson trial, and now the Oscar Pistorius murder trial, Sky have announced the next big ‘celebrity murdering partner’ court case will be pay-per-view.
“Of course it is sad that someone has to die in these cases, and if we could somehow have a murder trial without it then we would,” a Sky Box Office spokesman said.
“But that aside, there is money to be made. With added revenue from an armchair jury willing to pay £15 a week for the entertainment, we could get Ant and Dec to present it with expert analysis from law experts and previous defendants.” Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Entertainment, News
High Speed Foot Path ‘inconvenient’ claim local residents
Villagers are set to shave over 10 minutes off the journey time to Dunstable, thanks to investment in a new High Speed Footpath.
The footpath, which has taken nearly 25 years to build, has gaps in the security fences for pedestrians to join or leave at each end.
“You can stop in the middle if you want to, but you can’t actually get off”, explained Cllr Ron Ronsson. “That means HSFP2 frees up capacity on other more crowded footpaths. Those in the high street, for instance. particularly the bit outside Poundland. Why would you waste your time ambling around there, when you could be wooshing back and forth between Harold and Dunstable?”
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics, Transport
If you don’t know what occasion this picture is a record of then count yourself very lucky.
Prince Edward is fifty today! In celebration we are proud to list his achievements and the reasons he’s a national treasure. Continue reading
Volunteers take up to ten minutes out of every shift to have a cup of tea. Is there no limit to their self-indulgence?
George Osborne has vowed to end food bank bonus culture calling the practice “grossly unfair” and “out of step with these times of austerity.”
The Chancellor’s declaration comes after the publishing of a report he commissioned into volunteer behaviour at food banks which saw spies infiltrate food banks up and down the country. Continue reading
Here is a picture of all of North Korea's eligable voters casting their vote
North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un has waded into the Ukraine debate today, telling the country to look at his own country’s election that took place today as a beacon of democracy. “This is how governments should be decided,” Mr Kim said in a statement to the Ukrainian politicians.
“People voting not with guns and violence, but with their feet, or for those that haven’t had them chopped off, with their hands.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Politics
Oedi comes from a proud line of dogs that have all been in their mother at least twice.
A West Norfolk Terrier has seen off some tough opposition to be crowned Crufts 2014 ‘Most Inbred Dog’.
With paper-thin skin, no kidneys and a face racked with pain, ‘Swingalong Oedipus IX’ was recognised by judges as the best example of his inbreed, at least amongst the few that survive.
“The finest ones, the ones with no jaw and those darling webbed eyelids, well most of those don’t live much longer than a month”, said trainer Helen Delaney. “And that doesn’t give us much time for weaning, having a pace maker installed or training them for the show arena. Mother Nature can be awfully cruel.”
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Filed under Entertainment, Pets, science
Getting your suitcase may take a while
Inventor James Dyson, who winters in Harold, has outlined the genesis of his latest ‘WTF is that?’ product.
“When I got the Christmas lights down from the loft, the ladder was really cold. Some dolt had only gone and stuffed loads of fibreglass wool above the bedroom ceilings, blocking heat from downstairs! So I whacked two 15 kilowatt radiators into the loft for a quick-fix.”
Ukraine ‘never got letter from Gazprom about price increase’.
Ukraine has left angry messages on several utility comparison websites, complaining that the boxes for entering annual kilowatt hours for gas consumption are far too small.
“It was bad enough having to convert 55 billion cubic metres into kilowatt hours,” said Ukraine’s Energy Minister Yuriy Prodan, “then really annoying to find the box was too small for all the zeros.”
Uswitch and moneysupermarket.com have both replied to Ukraine, saying they are sorry the size of the boxes did not meet the customer’s expectations. “On the other hand,” said a spokesman for uSwitch, “we did point out that where it says ‘domestic usage’, the box is for a single household, not an entire sovereign nation recognised by international law.”
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Filed under Business, Economy, Europe, International News
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