Workplaces empty as thousands call in sick with Titanfall plague

We have no idea what’s going on there but we’re sure it’s more exciting than an inter-department strategy meeting.

Workplaces across the country are empty or severely understaffed this morning as hundreds of thousands of people have called in sick with Titanfall plague.

Titanfall, a new first-person shooter console and PC game, was released in the UK at midnight. Like all games in that genre it involves running around like your trousers are on fire and your head is about to fall off while shooting massive guns at evil-doers. The game’s mere existence appears to have unleashed a virulent plague which has decimated console and PC game enthusiasts. As they phoned in to explain why they wouldn’t be able to work today suffers have reported a variety of symptoms including ‘feeling a bit ill’, ‘just needing to rest’ along with the harrowing ‘already been sick once this morning.’

Victims are instantly recognisable from their pathetic tone of voice and the weak promise that they’ll ‘definitely be back on Monday.’ Many people who’ve not hung up immediately after saying goodbye have reported that they’ve then heard gunfire and giggling in the seconds before the afflicted one terminates the call.

Though seriously lacking staff most offices have reported that the level of conversation is largely unchanged while fears remain that Titanfall plague is merely a warning and that the true epidemic will break out when Valve confirm then release Half-Life 3.